Diary of a Fat Girl

15.

Dear diary

I weighed myself today for the first time in a year. One hundred and fifty eight – fricking – kilograms. This is the heaviest I've ever been. 3 digits not 2. That's disgusting. I'm disgusting. What 16 year old weighs 158kgs?

For the first time it actually hit me, hard. I'm fat. It hurt when the others said it but those were just words but now that I see it in numbers it's even more realistic and it hurts a hell of a lot more.

I felt light-headed. This couldn't be happening. I wasn't ready for this. I can't face this on my own, I have no idea what to do. Deep breathes, in and out.

For the past 2 weeks I've been using the diet pills and right now I can't bare to think of the number I was before then. The thought makes me sick to my stomach.

Out of reflex I went to my secret stash of chocolate but stopped when I realised what I was about to do. I was about to eat my worst enemy. Usually when I feel stressed out I would try to cover it up with food but right now that would only make things worse.

So I grabbed all of the chocolates and threw them into the bin. Every last one of them. I felt as if I had lost a piece of myself and was so tempted to reach into the bin and retrieve the chocolates. It took all of my willpower to turn around and walk away.

I can do this. I can lose weight. Right?

-Anna