Diary of a Fat Girl

19.

Dear diary

My weight has been up and down for the past month. One day I'm starving myself and the next, I'm bingeing on a packet of speckled eggs.

I have to find a way to get control on my food intake and after lots of thinking, I came up with a solution. I put my fear of blood and my hatred of gaining weight together and you know what I got? Cutting. Lots of people do it so why couldn't I?

My solution was pretty simple; if I gain a kg, I'll cut once and so on.

I haven't cut myself before so I thought that I could try it last night. I prepared everything behind the locked doors of the bathroom. Blade, tissues, disinfectant; it was all there. I was ready.

My hands were shaking as I picked up the blade but I wasn't going to give up. I would have to get used to this if I kept gaining weight. I slowly brought the blade to my wrist but stopped to took a deep breath.

When I was slightly calmer, I inserted the point of the blade to my skin and made a cut from one end of my wrist to the other.

You know how some people say that they feel so much better and relieved when they cut? Well, that's complete shit. You know what I felt? Pain, that's what. I didn't feel even the slightest bit better. I just felt a stinging sensation on my wrist as I watched the crimson stream fall into the basin.

I quickly grabbed some tissues and wiped my wrist. After using almost 30 tissues, the blood finally stopped. I cleaned up the mess and put everything back were they belonged, as if nothing had ever happened. I grabbed a plaster from the cabinet above the sink and put it over the cut and hoped that no one would ask questions about it.

Maybe this could work. I hated the experience of self-mutilation as much as I hate gaining weight and putting the two together, I'm sure to prevent any weight gain. I can do this.

-Anna