Ashes Arise

Uncomfortable

I don't know about you, but do you ever sit in a crowded room and sit as still as possible because you believe if you move in the slightest people will notice you in the most negative way? No? That was me in middle school. The most self-conscience person you would ever meet. Introverted, quiet, nervous, anxious, and I couldn't explain when it started but those were the worst years of my life or so I thought. Everything's so big when you're little.

I remember all the other girls in middle school wearing the 'cool clothes' and here I was wearing Children's Place jeans with butterflies on them with my socks rolled up. My body felt awkward it's not that I was fat, but my weight just was so disproportionate. My face felt round, my hair was always so thick and matted; while all the other girls had long blonde hair that was perfectly straight. I was the girl with the curly thick dark hair and olive brown toned skin. I stuck out. Not in the unique beautiful way others would envy, but the way others would take and crumble and that's just what they did.

Middle school reminds me of the smell of sweat and rubber. It was either too much sweat masked with bottles of Axe body spray and whatever the latest smell from Bath and Body was. I remember in gym class as we all changed into our gym class I would hide and do my best to change under my clothes. My best friend in middle school Karrie acted like she was shy at her body, but she had nothing to be shy about she was just modest and Mormon.

We would do our laps around the gym and toe touches as the gym teacher would come around and correct our form. Taking his hand and grazing our inner thighs, staring, at our asses. He enjoyed the boy's locker room the most because he was the same gender, so he seemed to have an excuse to touch and stare at the boys. Now he's in Florida State Prison for Child Porn charges so thank you to our public school who didn't believe us when we cried out. Trauma it carries and the adults make the children carry it until those children become adults and have to then face the ugly rearing beast of reality when it hits.

I would go a whole day without moving a muscle in that school because maybe I would become invisible. But that wasn't enough. The once little girls in elementary school where now bullies throwing Cheetos in my hair during lunch and seeing how much food they could get in my hair. They knew I wouldn't react or move. They knew the 500-pound lunch monitor wouldn't get up and do anything either. After lunch we would go outside to the black top where people would huddle in their friend groups. I would just stick to myself peeling lunch food out of my hair. Until one brave girl decided to grab my hair from behind and drag me to the ground. The whistle blew to come in and I crawled to get up. The recess monitor waddled beside me asking if I was okay and I silently just walked past.

I knew I would break eventually but not so fast. I remember feeling pain all over my body when I hit puberty in 7th grade. I was so tired all the time I could barely get up out of bed or make it through the day. The doctor said I had Fibromyalgia. My mom gave me tons of vitamins each morning and regulated my diet. Maybe I thought maybe that would help and it did a little.

Just when you think you can make it through the day, I remember walking down the thick green marble stairs to math class. A group of girls pushed me down the flight of stairs and ran. I hit the last step at the bottom. My math teacher told me to grab my stuff and to 'hurry up or I'd be late'. I remember catching that teacher kissing the other near the school auditorium. I was quiet and she didn't see me. I just remember staring because it was my first time seeing two girls kissing. I was a closeted church kid, so it was so cool. But it would have been even cooler if she could of stuck up for her students. I remember the sharp pain at the base of my skull and the tears I were trying to hold back felt like knives.

My parents pulled me out after 7th grade. My grades were dropping. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. Why was I unlikable. I didn't even try to talk to these people or bother them. I realize now as an adult I wasn't the problem. Then it felt like the universe crashing. My parents allowed me to be homeschooled my 8th grade years and then I came back stronger.