Ashes Arise

Leak

Do you ever tell yourself; 'If I could go back, I wouldn't have done it'. Well, I tell myself that but then I wouldn't have my beautiful little miracle. 

My Senior year I felt like I finally made it. I actually had such an easy time. Of course, there were some bumps in the road and your occasional mean girl, but nevertheless I made it. I remember though there was something I felt like I didn't accomplish like everyone else, prom date. All my friends were talking about it and had their dates all set. Of course, I didn't have one. 

I sat at my rectangular lunch table. My friend from middle school Karrie ditched me because she was hot now and knew it. Mormon or not she sat at the popular table even though none of the girls talked to her. So, I sat at my lunch table near a girl Hannah who I know I should have talked to, but she was quiet like me and always had her nose in a book to pass the time. Then the singer of the grade who loved to talk was horizontal and in the middle of the table and made it lively. Right across from me was Devon everyone just knew him the quiet guy that hung out with the Asian kid that helped his dad run the best Chinese restaurant in town. 

Every day at lunch I would stick my lunch box right in front of me so no one could see me eat. Only one granola bar and a handful of almonds. I was always afraid to eat in front of others. After lunch I would go and volunteer at our elementary to help Kindergarten teachers. This was fun as we would all pile in my car and gossip to and from. Of course, they would tease and finally someone spoke up.

 Madison a girl a grade below me suggested "Ashley why don't you go with that quiet boy at your lunch table. His sister is in my grade I can put in a good word for you."

I laughed because I never even spoke to him much. But as the day continued, I thought about it. I never even had a crush on a guy in my grade. Did I find him attractive? Would he just go with me as a friend to prom? I remember finally getting up the courage but not quit. My friends and I convinced my principal to call Devon down to the office the next morning and to hand him a detention slip that said, 'Will you go to prom with me -Ashley'. I thought it would be really funny. But turns out it freaked him out being called down to the offices and he definitely avoided the lunch table that day. No idea where he ate lunch, but I'll give it to him for commitment.

I was at my locker packing up to go home the next day when I felt a body looming over me. I turned around and there he was. He said, "I'm not going to prom with you I don't like proms." I was like, "um ok". 

It wasn't that much of a knock to me, so I went to prom tried to have fun and still someone stole my shoes and I drove home alone and bare foot but hey everyone needs to have some fun experience's. 

I remember senior year was coming to an end. Everyone seemed to have their life plan set. College, a boyfriend, and their families right behind them supporting them. I had my family, and I was going to college in Indiana after high school. I was so nervous. I felt like I wasn't like everyone else, and I felt like I was drowning and alone. I wanted something to cling onto. 

So right before high school ended, I pursued. Thats where I learned my lesson for the future. I will never pursue a guy again they can come for me, but it isn't worth my time chasing them. 

I started parking my car a little closer to his in the parking lot but not like a creep. I dressed a little cuter for the year 2015. I stopped at the local donut shop and put them on his windshield toward the end of the school day. I watched the puzzlement. I put my phone number on the outside of the bag. 

Silence felt like forever back then and like the end of the world and we all know it wasn't. 

Eventually the message came.

He invited me out to go see a movie. A marvel movie he's already seen in theaters, but he needed something for us to do because there isn't much to do in our small town.

I remember my parents making him walk up to my door to meet them and how nervous I was. The silence of the car ride on the way to the theater. No, we didn't hold hands during the movie. After we agreed to food, but instead of going out to eat he invited me to eat with his parents. We had grilled chicken, green beans, and potatoes. I remember every bite I took felt too loud. I would sip water thinking that they would look at me like I was a fountain. Finally, he took me outside to the back patio where he eventually opened up and talked more to me. We talked about odds and ends and the hours past and eventually it was time for him to take me home. 

I remember going home thinking how someone finally someone noticed me, and someone was putting in time to talk to me. That's never happened before.

After we graduated high school, we continued our dates. I would go over to his house or him mine. One day I went to his house. I remember we were watching a movie and we were sitting on the couch. We weren't touching but we were talking and having a great time. I was so confused because every time he was near me, he would put a pillow over his lap in the oddest way. I now know why he did this. At the time I was just uncomfortable.

I remember one night we were watching a movie and finally getting a little closer. We were touching foreheads and I was so nervous I know he wanted to kiss me. Eventually he leaned in and all I got was a heap of tongue. I was like wow that was gross. 

It was time for me to go home and he walked me out to the porch wanting to give me a goodnight kiss. He went in for it and yep, I was licked like a dog. I remember saying that we would get better at that and laughed and walked away. 

I remember thinking on the way home that's it I've done what everyone else did. I have had my first kiss, a boyfriend, and I am going to college. 

We would watch movies in my basement at home and I thought we could just cuddle, and it would be okay. We are laying on my brown couch in our basement and he takes my hand dragging it towards him. He makes eye contact with me and then I am feeling him. Feeling parts of him I knew I wasn't ready to feel. My 17-year-old, closed in, shy self was not mentally prepared for that. I remember him telling me how much he liked me, how pretty I was. Is this what I was supposed to do?

The next thing I know is he's taking my pants of trying to touch me. I was so scared. Why is he wanting to touch me. But if you love me and I love him then this must be okay. I let him and I pretended it felt good even though he was hurting me, and it felt like he was ripping me apart. 

Going to bed that night I starred at my ceiling. My phone glowed and a message from him confirming that he made it home. I tossed and turned feeling like I had to give more and more in order to keep his attention. Keep something that was seeing me and giving me affection. I did until it broke me. Everyone has secrets everyone has things that aren't disclosed, and I didn't know that then.