Ashes Arise

Collide

My first semester of college felt like a fog. My body felt heavy like I was wearing weights around my ankles; making me sink deeper and deeper into a pit of despair. Here I was feeling lonely just as I had been when I was a child. Only now I felt this pressure not to show to my family that I was about to implode because they had their own problems. I felt this overwhelming erg to carry the burden of the oldest sibling and be there for them.

When I went home on the weekends you could feel the tension as soon as you walked in the front door. It felt heavy, tense, thick, and like every word said could crack the whole foundation if it was said wrong. 

I remember being in my room on my lap top studying for school. I was practicing my speech for Public Speaking and practicing each words as I spoke it clearly and concisely out loud. My Dad was down stairs watching a football game rooting for Michigan and I knew well there would be shouting to go along with the game. As I finished up my speech I here large banging foot steps. That's usually my dad stomping at the ground when Michigan fumbles a pass. 

The next thing I hear though is my brother Cole call out "Stop being a pussy dad". Yep I thought to myself he's dead. 

"What did you say to me boy", said my Dad.

"Pussy", said Cole.

Cole was a tester and he liked to push buttons sometimes it was funny but this was not one of those times. The next thing I here is squealing from my mom and sister and the two of them collide with their fist. 

My dad takes hold of my brother and gives him a slap up side the head and my brother being the way he is doesn't back of and goes for my six foot father. 

I rush to the balcony to watch from the second floor as it looks like a WWE wrestling match. Cole breaks free but begs for more if my dads such a tough guy. My mom screams, "Stop it Stop it". My little sister is crying. That's my cue I grab my car keys and grab her and we run out the front door.

Silence fills my car. I drive and I don't know exactly where but we just go. I end up stopping down the street to get ice-cream. We sit there licking out cones and just hope this little break from being out of the house will help.

By the time we get back to the house somehow the tension in the house is so thick you couldn't even cut through it with a chainsaw. We retreat to my room where we watch tv.

Going back to school and the hour and a half drive was always hard. How could I just leave my family when I knew they were in pain. I did and it made me feel in pain. The empathy I felt and the need to feel like I needed to be Bob the Builder and fix it was ridiculous. 

The next week was Halloween and our church that my dad had just started working at was throwing trunk or treat. I dressed up with my sister and braved the cold to do it with her. Me being there for my mom and her felt important. Family time felt like it could heal the brokenness that was there. 

The next morning my mom headed off to work at her home health aide job taking care of one of her favorite elderly patients. On her way back home she went over a over pass and a young girl was doing her Halloween makeup in her driver side mirror. The driver crossed over the center line and drove head on into my moms mini van. My mom saw her coming but it wasn't enough time. My moms van landed in a field.

I remember hearing the door bell ring and seeing my grandpa at the front door. The first thing he said to me was "She's alright". I didn't know what that meant and I could see the look in his eyes. He told me what happened and I just bawled. I melted to the floor. Wondering how God could let this happen. Haven't we been through enough?

She was cut out of the van and luckily nothing was broken but she was banged up and had a few fractures and sprains. Her neck was in a brace and she was in a wheel chair till she was strong enough to walk enough again. I remember seeing her all black and blue but putting on a brave face. I couldn't stay though I had to go back to school and it broke me leaving them.

My mom was now off work and in so much pain. My dad had just found a job as a pastor at our local church in Delta but it was barley helping us scrape by. But he felt a call to full time ministry so none of us questioned it. 

I remember going back to college and every Wednesday night we had mandatory bible study with our dorm hall. I grumpily went. Everyone had to share their highs and lows for the week and honestly I laughed at some. 

They would say, " My high was seeing someone smile when I held the door for someone and my low was when I stubbed my toe on my bed." The girls would giggle at the stubbed toe. Then someone would say, " Well my low was missing out on the tacos in the cafeteria and my high was getting my nails done this week."

Then it was my turn and everyone's eyes were on me. Not because it was my turn but they must have seen my red face and the look of anguish. "My high or low? My father lost his job, my mother almost died in a car crash this past weekend, and my siblings are all depressed and holding on the best they can. Me? I get mocked by all of you including my RA for requesting to go home every weekend because none of you know me or my situation. I'm in a mandatory bible study where you are forced to ask me how I'm doing otherwise you never would of asked or cared."

I got up from my chris cross apple sauce seated position in our circle and walked back to my dorm room. You could of dropped a pin in that room and heard it echo down all three stories of that building. 

Needless to say my RA gave me a mandatory requirement to see the schools on site councilor. I previously requested to see them weeks ago but they told me they were scheduled out two months and I was put on a waiting list. Somehow I was in there the next day after my outburst.

I don't remember her name all I remember was her soft face and blonde hair. A older women who said, "What can we do to make you more comfortable here?" I remember laughing almost but not trying to be rude. I just cried in my hands. I told her how my home life was at the moment and how here even though the college did all these mandatory weekly groups with peers and bible studies; I couldn't find anyone on campus to connect with. But I did take accountability because I knew I wasn't the most approachable person at the moment. 

She told me she would help me find campus clubs and connections and walked me out. That was the last I heard from her. My emails went unanswered and I was again put on the wait list. I guess because I didn't want to die at that time I wasn't important enough. 

After this I just pressed forward with college I didn't care anymore about the people there I just left every weekend to see my family and my boyfriend. That's what I felt I had. I would go home see how everyone was at home. Have sex as much as possible with my boyfriend. Then on Sunday go to church and act like everything was fine on the inside and the outside. 

Sometimes things like to creep out of you and the stress would escape. I woke up every morning with a rash under my skin. It was unbearably itchy and went from my chin to my toes. The doctor said it was stress and anxiety and I could of told him that. I just kept pressing on.

I knew that was going to be my only year at that school. I was an undecided major at the time even though my heart wanted to become a teacher. I told myself I would go home after spring semester and attend the local college at home. I would stay home and be near my family and boyfriend. It seemed that like the safe and smart option. Seemed to be......