Ashes Arise

Avalanche

Summer fleets away so fast. I couldn't soak it all in and I wanted to stay in the moment longer before college started in the fall of 2015. I went out to my backyard barefoot and laid out in the tall grass. The warmth of the air filled my body and the air felt so relaxing as I felt like a balloon about to burst. I don't know why I felt so full and filled with anxiety about the changes. They were all so new. 

My days were filled with him and nothing else. I was so emersed and with only paying attention on what I looked like and what I could do to please him. I only focused on his likes and dislikes so heavily. When we watched movies or went out to eat, I was so nervous to share my opinion but as time passed, I eventually let up and shared. I felt like he was the only one who understood me and would listen to me.

He watched me be the oldest sibling taking care of a lot of responsibilities around the house. He saw the stress and worry in my face about college and we both were nervous about the new start we were taking in the fall. I eventually opened up to him about my health. I was comfortable enough to tell him about my Fibromyalgia, anxiety, and stomach disorders I had growing up. He watched me be in pain when I ate some night and get sick after eating and he seemed to have so much compassion for me when I was in pain. 

I grew more in love with him as he opened his heart to me in return. I remember noticing things about him. He would close a door and jiggle the knob as if it wasn't closed. He would flick a light switch up and down as if the light wasn't off all the way. When he closed a container, he would press on it so tightly and if you walked and the floor squeaked, he would step on that part repeatedly till it felt just right. After a while I asked him about it. He said he just always did things like that, and I asked if he thought he had OCD and he said "yes". 

Eventually he went and saw a psychologist. He started taking medication given by the doctor that only saw him once or twice. This medication gave him dreams that he would tell me about. He would sit beside be silently and I could tell something was on his mind.

 I asked and he told, and I wish he never told me. He would tell me in his dream he peeled the skin off a baby that we had. He went over to the baby laying asleep in its crib and he started taking and peeling back the baby's skin. Not just removing cradle cap but taking the flesh off the baby. He said it so monotone. He told me he had dreams about me too but he rather not tell me about them and I was definitely okay with him not telling me. I told him that if the medication was doing that then maybe he should tell his doctor. Now I wonder if it was the medication or just him. 

I felt sympathy for him the way he felt it for me. So, I thought. His family seemed so distant from him.  He had an older sister that was married and out of the house already. She was very she acted like her shit didn't smell. His youngest sister was still in high school at the time and the same age as my brother Cole. She didn't have much in common with Devon other than they were siblings and I don't have anything bad to say about her. His parents were just matter of fact people and seemed like they didn't really care about anything or anyone but themselves, but I can get to that later.

I remember telling Devon sitting in my bedroom all the things we could do coming up and taking a trip to an amusement park and such. All the sudden he burst in to tears and just held me explaining he felt so left out at home and it just felt so nice being included with me and my family. My heart swelled and I felt so bad for him. He used this though to his advantage my kindness and sympathy he would take and move things fast. As we were sitting there wiping his tears away the next thing, I know he picked me up and sat me on top of him.

I could feel him bulge underneath me and I knew would was expected from me. Now we haven't had sex at this point, but we've done just about everything else. He would want me to touch him and give him a hand job and I would do so because at this point it was expected. I did it. He would try then to touch me, and I can honestly say he was not good at it. He did not understand female anatomy and how to pleasure. So, I just expected so I'm just glad he's happy.  What I did think though is that I love him. I really did think that I did in fact love him. He would hold me and tell me so many great things. 

August came fast like an avalanche and college began. I packed up my childhood bedroom and set off with my parents to college. I felt this pit in my stomach. I was only going an hour and thirty minutes away but that's how far away I'd be from my boyfriend 'my lifeline' who was going to college near home. 

I remember my first night of college crying and so overwhelmed it felt so different and scary. I chose a private Christian college in Indiana, Grace College Theological Seminary in Winona Lake Indiana. I did this to make my parents proud. My dad was a pastor, and my mom once attended this college with my aunt. Now here though I felt so empty and everyone here was so different. It was another level of crazy. When I got their everyone was getting engaged within the first three months of meeting someone and it's called 'Ring by Spring'. It was definitely a real thing. 

I started my classes and tried to get my baring's but once again I felt like I didn't fit in. I felt alone. A little fish surrounded by all these Christians who are supposed to be friendly and nice but somehow, I wasn't good enough still. I had not one person that wanted to talk to me. I went up to my RA's dorm room to grab slip to request to go home for the weekend. Yes, we had to request permission. I ran back to my room and just sat on my bed. 

I had two roommates one named Asia a missionary kid and art student and Jessica a photography student with zero talent but just testing the waters. Jessica also liked to sit at her desk with her headphones in just squealing Disney music off key. Love the music just wanted to kill someone when I was trying to study. She also liked to clip her toenails and leave them all over the floor so I would step on the. Anyway, they all lived far away from college, so they were surprised that I was trying to go home only two weeks after the start of college. I explained that I missed my family and I really just wanted to check on my siblings to see how they were doing. 

When I got home, I found out my dad had lost his job. He was the breadwinner for our family and our soul income for the entire household. After he lost his job, he went in his bedroom and didn't come out for what seemed like months. If you walked into the bedroom, it was pitch black, smelled of sweat, and a musty dog smell from our dog onyx. 

My mom told me that he wasn't fired for being a bad manager at the car dealership he worked at. The owner who was a Christian told my dad that my father was wasting his potential being a car salesman and needed to do something else worthwhile. Now my dad was a Youth Pastor but never full time at our local church. It couldn't pay the bills completely. So, when my dad went into his bedroom, he prayed for direction on what to do. 

This made my siblings all uneasy. My mom took on two jobs just to try and bring in what she could. She was a home health aide and worked at our public school's cafeteria cleaning dishes so she could still be with the kids after school. My siblings played sports and she wanted to make sure they wouldn't have to give that up. She worked tirelessly and to the bone. 

The weekends when I came home, I found solace in seeing Devon. I felt like he was the only person I could tell my struggles to and would understand. I remember I was crying and devastated that I had to leave my family and go back to college. My family was in shambles. So that September while I was crying in my room Devon held me and I melted in my arms. He was dripping in sweat, and I had no idea why. I began to kiss him, and it was as if my brain had turned off. The next thing I knew I was on the floor, and he was on top of me. I was okay with it I didn't care or so I thought. I loved him my life was a mess. I clung to him and the next thing I knew he was inside me and done in a matter of seconds. He lasted a good three seconds. I was surprised as to why and how he had a condom already, but I didn't question it. He got off me and I realized wow that was it. 

The movies you watch and see growing up really set you up for big romance and I just got dumped in sweat with absolutely nothing from it. It didn't matter though that was the first time and it didn't stop. 

I drove the hour and a half back to college listening to Melanie Martinez with my car visibly shaking from the volume. I didn't want to be able to think. 

One important thing to note is that I had to sign a contract in this college, and it noted that I couldn't have sex and if anyone on campus found out that I did it could be reported, and I would have to face a student jury. Anyway, I ran up the stairs to my dorm and jumped on my bed crying. My roommates turned pale looking at me. Now I didn't have a great relationship with them, but I just let it all out. Explaining my dad losing his job and how I just ended up having sex and how horrible it was. I felt like I was going to hell and God was going to hate me for the way I was acting.

I remember my roommate Asia getting up telling me that it would be okay and that I didn't mess up my life. She told me no matter what I did God loved me. We then all laughed when I said, "It was so bad, and it felt like a tiny little gummy bear".