Ashes Arise

Rushed

I was settled into college life, living back home with my parents, and my new job that I loved. My dad however seemed unsettled in his new job. You could see the unrest on his face when he came home, and he would sink into the couch every night, staying up for hours into the night. I wondered what troubled him, but I didn't have to wonder for long until he made it known.

I remember coming home one day seeing my parents sitting together side by side in the living room and they were waiting for me. As soon as I walked through the front door and made eye contact with my mom, she knew I wasn't going to take this well. A empty pit formed inside my stomach and my heart sank. 

My dad explained how he felt "Called" to leave where our family was living. I remember asking if that meant another state because he mentioned potentially moving to the east coast one day. 

He said, "Ashley I think God has big plans for this family. I am taking your mom and your siblings down to St. Thomas US Virgin Islands to visit to see if that is an area that potentially needs reached for teen ministry."

My brain seemed so slow in this moment like the gears just shifted and stopped. I remember when my dad a couple years previously took my mom to Puerto Rico for their anniversary thinking maybe they would move down there. After they visited, they knew that it was not the place for them, so I thought I didn't have to worry about them moving down there and so far away. 

I honestly laughed because my dad always seemed to have these crazy outlandish ideas and dreams when we were growing up. But he booked the tickets, and it felt a little more real.

My parents and siblings all went down to visit. The pit in my stomach grew and I tossed and turned worrying and wondering what would happen if they left. 

My family growing up was so small compared to others. My dad didn't have his side of the family and my mom's side consisted of her four siblings and a handful of their kids: nothing more. Our extended family of aunts, uncles, and cousins were not particularly close. My grandparents were aging and in need of more help getting around. All of this was swirling in my head. The ground I was once standing firmly on felt like it was crumbling. 

My parents and siblings came back from their two weeks visit back from St. Thomas. I expected just to hear stories of beaches and fun zip line trips, but I heard otherwise. 

They purchased a house on the island and were moving in the fall. They had about seven months before they would be moving.

I remember feeling so displaced and a coworker at work a sweet older lady looked at me one day and said, "Why is your face so plain and sad today? Where is your usual smile?" I then just burst into tears and melted into her arms explaining the situation. 

Since they were moving so fast they sold our home in Delta and moved to a small temporary rental. The only problem was it was too small for me to come. It was three bedrooms but barely and I remember my brother Collin was sleeping on the landing on top of the steps on the second floor where there was extra space for a bed. 

This forced me to have to go and live with my grandparents so I could still focus on college and my job. I felt like my family was being ripped away from me. At nineteen I had to buckle up and realize I would no longer have my family anymore and that was something had to come to terms with.

The stressed seem to grab at me clawing its way closer to me each day. I remember having panic attacks because juggling a full load of classes and a full-time job started to become a lot. During this my body began to produce new symptoms I never felt before. I started to feel dizzy, faint, my heart would race, standing I would lose my eyesight, and migraines were unbearable weekly if not daily. I kept putting my health on the back burner and letting it go thinking to was just from stress.