Sincerely, Jonah

Chapter 23

The night before we flew back home, I wait until everyone was asleep, then walk through the town after getting off of a long call with Fin and V. I heard Grandpa's loud snores on the couch, then snuck behind the sofa. I had told them about everything, and they were just as surprised about it as I was when Grandma told me.

My mind was still racing with thoughts- thoughts about her. Every street I turned, memories flooded my brain. I see the clothing store at the end of the street - she used to drag me there every year to go school shopping. I used to hate it, now I miss her picking out the most hideous shirts.

She walked on this very same path I did one day. She saw the same things I'm seeing now.

There was a time where I was angry at the universe for taking her away, screaming into my soaked pillow every night, shutting Dad out - shutting everyone out. I didn't want to talk to my friends and stayed in my room all the time.

One day, hebthought I had run away. I wasn't anywhere to be found as he was close to calling the police, before he checked her closet and saw me there, hugging her clothes with my eyes shut. I tried so hard to remember her scent, smelling the perfume she used to wear everyday and spraying some throughout the house. 'She's just working late,' I'd tell myself, thinking she'll be home with take-out dinner.

A big part of me disappeared in thin air, along with my love and happiness for the world. I still feel joy without her, like when I'm with Fin and V drinking coffee at the cafe, or out with Dad eating burgers while he talks about his phases in high school. I still smile and make terrible jokes, yet there is a note beneath it all that says I'm missing her, and I think feeling is settled deep inside my veins now. Now that I've realized that there's no getting rid of it, it's been easier to deal with.

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By the time we're back at home, finals are already starting. It was already worse since I had to stay up all night doing  make-up work from when I was gone on the trip, but everything was worth it. I'm just glad Mr.Feeny gave me an extra day to do his. He's always been understanding.

I wasn't too happy to wake up to a note left by V on our dining table, saying that they'll be gone on and off for the next few weeks, taking college courses and getting tours of universities. I'm happy for them though, because they've been working hard on for 4 years straight. Especially Fin. His parents are super strict. He told me that his mom is making him aim for the hardest universities to get into: Princeton and Stanford.

I get home and wait  to read moms journal with dad when he gets off work. When I tell him, He is so surprised, tears run down his face, then he laughs and says, "I remember her writing in this all the time. She would be out on the patio with her coffee with her face buried in it. I never bothered to ask her what she was doing, just always assumed it was a little diary, and it was."

I watch him as he talks, eyes lighting up. I loved when he talks about her. It makes me feel comfortable knowing that he still cares about her so much.

"Dad?" I ask. He's putting a pot of tea on the stove when he looks at me. I can tell he sees the look on my face, so he sits down next to me and I turn my body to where we're facing each other.
"What's up buddy?"

I let out a heavy breath that I've been keeping in for I don't know how long.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything." He squints eyes, confused. "For what?"

I pause for a second, trying to figure out how to say it. Seconds later I close my eyes and tell him, "I used to hate you for making us move here. The only thing that was going through my head was, 'he wants to forget her,' and 'how can he move on so fast? He's taking everything away from me.'"

I look at him when his jaw tightens."But I know now," I say with a smile on my face when I see that he's holding back tears,"I know now that all you wanted was what was best for me. I know now that you just wanted us to have a fresh start. And I know now that it was just as hard for you as it was for me. Maybe worse."

I felt guilty and selfish for blaming him for my pain. All he wanted was for me to be happy.

"Jonah," he chokes, as he wipes away a tear and grabs my hand, the journal in front of us. His hands feel warm and soft on top of mine. "It wasn't your fault. Mom had always wanted to move here, and I know we did a little too early, but I just wanted us to have a fresh start." He leans in closer. "She wanted that."

I nod, in acceptance, as we stare at each other. I quickly wipe a tear that escapes from my eyes.
I'm about to say something when he says, "...And I'm sorry for taking you away from everyone you loved. It wasn't right." He wipes his mouth. "If you want to go back home. We can."

I blink, raising my eyebrows, before quickly shaking my head. "I don't want to move."
His eyebrows slightly raise. "You don't?"
I choke out a laugh, because I realize that if he were to ask me the same question a few months ago, I would've already been upstairs packing. But I don't want to go. I don't want to leave the people I love here behind.
"No dad," I say. "I'm happy we came to Edinburgh."

As months went on after her passing, I felt like I was forced to forget my mom: Moving towns and leaving most of  her things behind. She was a part of me. She was the reason why things were easier when it came to my low self esteem and motivation to do simple things.

When those days happened, the ones where I couldn't make it out of bed and lashed out on everyone trying to help, and it happened often, mom was there to light my pathway, teaching me that I will get through those tough times. I did.

Dad then closes his eyes and lets out a shaky sigh. "I love you to death. I would never do anything to hurt you or make you feel like what happened to your mom was your fault.You were her pride and joy, a gift to the both of us. You always will be. Even when you're 30."

I smile. "Really?"
He runs a finger through my hair, then ruffles it. "You know it."
The stove goes off, and I watch him pour our mugs and hand me the Star Wars one that I use all the time. We look at each other, then moms journal before turning through the first page.

'March 17th, 1991. 2:29AM. Our baby boy has arrived.'