I could not let him go. It would finalize everything if I allowed him to walk out the door. Desperate now, I wrapped my arms around his waist and begged for him to stop. Nidal tried to pull my hands apart. He wanted to loosen my grip so he could escape. I dropped to my knees, grabbed a hold of his pantaloons, and begged him not to leave me.With a cold stare, annoyed at me now, he pulled me up and pushed me aside. I quickly ran back to him, hugged him close to me, and kissed his lips. Nidal kept his mouth closed tight. I caressed his chest, I tried to pull the string that held up his pantaloons, but Nidal slapped my hands away. He walked past me to the doorway, and I begged, "Nidal, please, don't go."Nidal stopped, slowly turned around, and looked at me. His cold stare sent shivers up and down my back. This was a side of him I had never seen before. Nidal kicked the door closed with his left foot, and in two long strides, he was standing next to me."What is it you want, Loula?" Nidal asked coldly. "Do you want me to fuck you?" He grabbed me roughly and threw me to the floor.My body was full of pain as it crashed on the cold, marble floor. Nidal kneeled down next to me, and with his bare hands, he ripped my dress to pieces. I lay there shocked as Nidal continued to rip all my undergarments off my body and left me stark naked.Nidal's eyes raked over my naked body coldly, and he snarled, "Is this what you want?" He grabbed my breast and squeezed it roughly in his hands.This was a huge mistake. I pushed him too far. I knew it now. Nidal pulled the string on his pantaloons, and it dropped to his knees. Then he pulled out his shaft from his underpants. I was shocked as he tried to enter me. He pushed and probed, and once inside me, Nidal was not gentle. He made love to me harshly, like an animal. His hands poked and pinched my skin roughly, and he grabbed my hair and pulled on it as he pumped his shaft hard inside me. He climaxed seconds later, without even a hint of satisfaction on his face. I lay there, numb and in pain beyond reason, feeling used and abused.Nothing prepared me for his cruel actions. I did not recognize this man who destroyed everything we ever had together. I looked into his eyes, and they were cold as ice, empty of emotion, void of life. Spent, he got up, pulled up his pantaloons, and tied the strings. He combed his hair with his fingers, grabbed his jacket, and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him.It felt as if the room was spinning. I tried to get up, but the pain was unbearable. My body was bruised all over. Minutes later, as I tried to gather my wits, I heard voices outside. I pushed myself slowly up and stumbled to the window just in time to witness Nidal walking away from the palace with Princess Shaeena holding on to his arm.Anger immediately gripped me as I watched them casually walk toward the stables. Minutes later, they exited the stables on a black stallion, heading in the direction of her palace. I heard their laughter as they rode away. It ripped my heart out seeing them together like that. Hearing Nidal's laughter as he rode away with another woman was extremely painful.I threw myself on the bed and cried for hours. The servants came and went all evening. I sent them all away. Night came, but sleep eluded me as I lay in my empty, cold bed. I knew Nidal would not come home to me tonight. I played over and over again in my mind the scene with Nidal. His actions had left marks on my body and my heart. I remembered the pain I was feeling when he took me without my consent.His lips never touched mine. His hands did not caress my body. His eyes were stone-cold as he stared at me with fury. I had lost him, and it hurt to admit this. I cried all night for the love I had lost today. I cried for what we could have had. I cried until the tears dried out and all my hopes disappeared.By morning, I was still awake, sleepless, and still hurting. He did not come home to me, just as I expected he would not. He was at Shaeena's still. I placed my hand where my heart was, and my heart was pounding rapidly. He would come home today because this was the day that the army would be leaving for war. Cold sweat overcame me at the thought of Nidal going to war. I was lost for words.There was a knock on the door, and my heart thumped loudly, thinking it was Nidal coming to ask for my forgiveness, I braced myself as the door opened, and the queen mother walked in. She had a worried look on her face as she walked over and sat on the bed next to me."Loula, dear child, what happened yesterday?" she asked softly. "The servants told me they heard a lot of commotion in your room. They saw Nidal stalk out of here and take off with Princess Shaeena, and they said he did not come back last night. Is this true, Loula?" She wanted me to prove her wrong."Mother," I said, using that word for the first time since I have met her. It just rolled off my tongue without me realizing it, but the word felt good as I said it. I could tell she was pleased with my word choice. She was tearful as she waited for me to speak. "Mother," I repeated again sadly, "there was a terrible misunderstanding yesterday, and Nidal and I had a huge fight. He said he was done with me, and he left!" I said with trembling lips."Oh, no, Loula. Don't say that," the queen mother pleaded. "Nidal will never stop loving you. I am sure of it. I know my son. He will love you forever. He is angry now for whatever reason, and he is behaving like a child. He will get over it soon. You shall see. Princess Shaeena told me yesterday that she heard gossip that you kissed Prince Billal. Is this true, Loula?" the queen asked. I knew she hoped against hope that it was not true.But when I stayed quiet and did not respond right away, she had her answer. Clearly disappointed, she said, "I know it was not your fault, but my nephew's. I know you well enough by now, just as I know my son. You would never willingly kiss Prince Billal. Just as my son would never willingly kiss Shaeena! It is too bad Nidal doesn't know you the way I do." The queen sighed and stood from the bed, but before she left my side, she said, "Child, do not worry. Be strong. I will box my son's ears off when I see him. You, my dear," she said softly, "stay calm. He will return today, and you must ignore him. We must teach him a lesson he will never forget. He needs to learn to trust the woman he loves," she said proudly, "and not treat you this way. Loula, I stand by you. You are my child also, and I will not allow my son to treat you in this manner." She marched out of the room and closed the door softly behind her.I was speechless, frozen. I was hurt beyond anything I had ever felt before. The queen was right. I had to teach her son a lesson. How dare he treat me this way! I got out of bed with a new perspective on things. I had to find a way to make him see the truth without compromising my pride. I knew it would not be easy, but there had to be a way to accomplish that.I walked over to the mirror and looked at myself. I saw how terrible and pathetic I looked. My hair was tangled. Circles were underneath my eyes from a sleepless night. I pulled my nightgown off my shoulders and saw the bruises that were visible all over my arms. I was very emotional and distraught, but this time, I felt much stronger than before. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! The queen raised my spirits, and I was going to show Nidal that he made a big mistake treating me so.***I got busy the next few hours. I bathed softly, not wanting to be rough where the bruises were. They were tender to the touch. I dressed in a beautiful red wine-colored gown that showed off my tiny waist. The cleavage was just perfect, inviting to the eyes of any onlooker. I slipped on my slippers and sat on the bed to comb my hair. I was thinking to let my hair loose today. My hair had grown another inch since the ball, and it was now well below the waist.A sob escaped my lips as my mind wandered to yesterday when I watched my prince riding the black Arabian stallion with Shaeena holding on to his waist tightly as they laughed and rode away. It was the worst day of my entire life. Nothing could ever hurt me more than that.I walked back to the mirror to take another look at myself and make sure I looked perfect. The woman who stared back at me looked somehow older than her years. I smiled coldly, knowing that today started a new era. I erased the past, wanting to start fresh from this point on. The woman who looked back at me in the mirror was a stranger. I did not recognize her. I let out a cold laugh as my head tipped back and I took a deep breath. This day marked the beginning of a woman who was fighting for recognition as a woman scorned!Let Nidal feast his eyes on me today. He will regret the day he ever left me with bruises. I walked over to the dresser and pulled out a gray silk shawl. The gown I wore had no sleeves, and I needed to cover my bruises. I wrapped the shawl around my shoulders, and as I walked back to the mirror to admire myself, I heard commotion outside.I braced myself, walked to the window, and looked out. I saw Nidal helping Shaeena off the stallion. My heart skipped a beat. Why had he brought her here today of all days? To rub her in my face? Anger ripped throughout my entire body. How dare he think he can treat me in such a fashion! He took me from the only people I knew as family and the only place I knew as home and brought me to this country. He locked me up against my will in this room for months until I fell in love with him. He taught me the ways of love, and I now live just to love him, but never once did he teach me how to live without him. How dare he!I marched out of my room and down the hallway, but I stopped in my tracks. I heard the princess laugh. It came from down the hall and around the corner. Frantically, I looked for a room to hide in.The first door I found, I turned the knob, opened the door, and entered the room, closing the door softly behind me before anyone saw me. I heard their voices closer now as they walked down the hall and came to a halt right outside the door that I was behind."My prince," Shaeena purred, "thanks for yesterday. You made me so happy, Nidal," she said softly. I froze. Hatred burned deep inside me. I placed my ear closer to the door, expecting Nidal to say something, but she continued talking, "I am glad you finally came to your senses. I told you she was not good for you!" she said convincingly."Don't bring up her name. I told you I never want to speak of her again!" Nidal was clearly annoyed.And then I heard their footsteps walk away, and their laughter echoed down the corridor as they fled to privacy. I opened the door to the room and stepped out. I needed some fresh air. I could not breathe. I had chest pain. I pulled the shawl from around my shoulders and held it in my hands to wipe away my tears. I ran as fast as I could to my room. Tears blinded me, and I did not notice Nidal standing there in front of the doorway to our room staring at me. He stood frozen, all alone. I stopped running and came to a halt about a yard in front of him. His eyes dropped to my shoulders as he stared in horror at my bruises. I quickly wrapped myself with the shawl and ran past him into our room and locked the door. I leaned against the stone cold wall, feeling upset at myself for allowing him to view my bruises. I did not want him to get the satisfaction that he hurt me so much.Nidal tried to open the door but found it locked. He pounded on the door, yelling, "Unlock this door right now, Loula!" he demanded. "I need to speak to you. Unlock the door!" he howled.I was terrified, not knowing what he might do if I dared open the door. Last time he was this angry with me, he left me with bruises. So I ignored his calls as he continued to pound on the door. I crouched in the corner of the room, terrified, as the door burst open, and an angry Nidal marched inside.I was trembling with fear, holding my hands up in front of my face for protection, not knowing how Nidal would react now that he was a few inches from me. "Please don't hurt me, Nidal," I begged. "Please, I'm sorry for whatever it is you think I did to you. Please don't hurt me again," I pleaded.I saw Nidal's puzzled face display many emotions as he played with his feelings. I saw the old Nidal in his eyes for just a second. And within a split second, the angry Nidal came back. He reached for me, but I screamed, "No, please, Nidal. Don't." I was terrified now that he would hurt me.Just that instant, the king rushed in with his queen and started yelling at Nidal to leave the room. The queen made true to her word and boxed his ear as he walked angrily past her. Nidal stopped. He was about to say something but changed his mind. Instantly with long, angry strides, he left the room. The king followed angrily after his son, giving him a piece of his mind, and the queen stayed behind to comfort me. The queen mother's eyes rested on my shoulders with horror as she witnessed my bruises firsthand.Her hand automatically went to her mouth, and she looked horrified, not able to believe what she saw. She stared at me speechless. My body was in shock, and I started shaking uncontrollably as the tears came and I started to cry hysterically. The queen mother frantically came to me and wrapped her arms around me. She pulled me to the bed and held me in her embrace for a while until she saw that my body started to relax.Neither of us spoke, for words were not necessary at this time. We were both at the same understanding. I was thankful that she did not probe for answers. She was an aristocrat, and she handled herself with grace. I appreciated her at this very moment. She was very comforting and helped me to relax. She soothed my soul with her gentleness. Before she left me, she told me that she knew in her heart that all would be fine. I smiled at her and prayed to God that she was right.Soon after the queen left my side, I heard the trumpets outside blasting away. I knew the time had come. They were preparing to leave for the war. A cold shiver ran up and down my spine. I automatically ran to the window just in time to witness Shaeena kiss Nidal on the lips. It was a good-bye kiss. It looked as if he did not kiss her back, but it was hard to see for sure from where I stood. The queen was standing next to the princess, wiping her tears as her son kissed her too.Then Nidal walked toward his horse, and I held my breath. He was about to leave without saying good-bye to me. Did he stop loving me so soon? Did I mean nothing to him anymore? I asked myself these questions, but nevertheless, my heart knew what I had to do. I started to run as fast as I could. I ran from my room, down the corridor, and out the huge double doors. I stopped. I was too late. My prince was already riding away with his horse to join the rest of the warriors.The tears came pouring down, my heart tightened, and I had never felt as alone as I did at this very moment. I kept staring, hoping against hope that he would turn his head my direction, but he just kept riding away. Shaeena turned and looked at me with contempt, but I ignored her and focused on Nidal.Just when he was about to join the thousands of the warriors, who were patiently waiting for him on the outskirts of the palace grounds on their horses, he turned his horse around. His eyes searched the grounds until he found me, and his eyes locked with mine. My heart skipped a beat. He looked at me for a few minutes. Then he turned and rode away. I was beside myself with happiness. He turned! He thought of me. He cared.I knew that instant that he would return to me. I knew I still had a special place in his heart. I smiled for the first time in a long while. The queen, with tears in her eyes, walked up to me and gave me a reassuring hug. She too thought as I did. I sighed, turned to the queen mother, and hugged her back. From a distance, I saw Shaeena eyes shoot daggers at me, and I just smiled at her sweetly. She won the battle, but I won the war, and she knew it. The princess marched to her carriage and jumped in, and off she went without even a good-bye.The next few days were quiet, thoughtful ones. I took my meals in the privacy of my quarters. Not able to eat much, I just nibbled on enough to keep me alive. I had lost my appetite the day Nidal rode off.Billal came to my room a few times, and I was astounded to see that he was left behind. Isn't he going to help his country win the war? Is he a coward? What is he doing here?"My lady," he said as I opened the door for him to enter.He bowed and walked inside. I saw the servants down the hall scramble away, like a pack of rats. Great, I thought. Now they will gossip about my new lover."My lady, how have you been faring?" He was smiling from ear to ear. "You look well." He pulled his chair next to mine and sat in it.I looked at him in silence, trying to figure him out, and finally, I blurted out, "Why are you here, Billal? Why are you not joining the rest of them to fight for your country?" I asked with disapproval in my voice.Billal looked at me. He did not understand what I was asking. Clearly, he was measuring my words and took his time responding. "My lady, I was left behind to wait until the king was ready. My men and I will escort him to the waiting place. That might take a day or two." He waited now for my response. "I was hoping to visit with you until it is time to leave," he said with hope in his voice.Well, that answered my question. I wish it had been Nidal who was left behind instead. Billal noticed my disappointment and tried to comfort me. "I know I'm not Nidal, but I hope you will allow me to entertain you until I leave." He looked at me for approval. His eyes were wide and glowing.I sighed once again. "I don't mind if you visit. It's just that I will not be good company for you," I said softly.Billal just looked at me for a few minutes. "Loula, first I would like to ask for your forgiveness for my most recent behavior," he begged. "Second, I know you love Nidal and not me. I would like to at least be your friend, your confidante. Please, Loula. Say you will forgive me and allow me your friendship," he begged desperately.I considered what he had to offer, and I knew he was sincere. Based upon that conclusion, I accepted his apology and his friendship. And for the next couple of days, Prince Billal came and visited me, and we talked as friends do. He made me laugh. I had no time to feel sorry for myself.We took strolls in the rose gardens, we went riding to the village and admired the shops, and we even walked all the way to the willow tree where Nidal and I had made love. Billal saw the names that Nidal had carved on the bark of the tree and stood silently for a few minutes just staring down at the green grass. His hands were in his pockets, and he was in deep thought.When he looked at me, he smiled bitterly. "I envy Nidal. He has everything I want." He sighed and kicked a pebble, watching it roll away. I kind of felt sorry for him. Billal continued sadly, "I was always jealous of the fact that Nidal is the crown prince, next in line for the throne. Growing up, he was always better than I was. He ran faster than me, and he fought better than me. He even beat me at chess, each and every time," he said dryly. "I wanted to be him. He was handsomer, and all the ladies of the court preferred him over me! But I never hated him. I loved him. We were always best of friends. We were raised together as brothers," he admitted, "but all that changed the moment I saw you. It was like love at first sight. I fell deeply in love with you, Loula. I don't care anymore about anything else. All I want and need is your love." He looked at me as he said this, making me feel a little uncomfortable.I saw something in his eyes that I never noticed before. I saw the love he was feeling for me. It was written all over his handsome face. My heart went out to him. I knew firsthand what it felt like when the person you love rejects you, how it could tear you up inside. I felt pity for him. I did not know what to say. I stayed quiet and listened to Billal pour his heart out."Your prince can never make you happy. He is a selfish man. He wants you all to himself. That's not love. That's obsession! He is obsessed with you. Tell me, Loula. What kind of a life will that be for you? You will be miserable with a man like that!" He tried to convince me that he was right.He did not know that he was wasting his time with all that he said. I could never stop loving Nidal. No matter what, he was and always would be the man I would love until the day I died. I could never be with another. But somehow I knew that, even if I told this to Billal, he would not listen to me. In a way, he was like Nidal. Once he made up his mind, there was no changing it.I knew he would not give up trying to win my heart. He was a good man, but my heart belonged to Nidal. I suddenly missed Nidal. Pain tugged at my heart. I wanted Nidal to return home. I placed my face in my hands and sobbed. I cried my heart out.Billal took me in his arms and stroked my hair. "Loula, I hate seeing you like this. You are crying for the wrong man! Nidal does not deserve you! He says he loves you, yet he slept in Shaeena's bed!" he spat. "Nidal wants it all! Why do you allow him to treat you so? He goes from your bed to hers! He does not deserve you!" He tried to prove his point. "He does not believe you. He accuses you of sleeping around on him, yet he is the one who is a whore! He is not worthy of your love!" Billal said angrily.It was true, all of it. I desperately wanted to run away somewhere where I did not have to hear the truth. It hurt to acknowledge everything that Billal said, and to admit that he was right would mean that I would have to admit that Nidal did not love me. It was easier for me to believe otherwise. A pounding headache was forming inside my head.Billal realized he had gone too far and immediately apologized. "I'm so sorry. I did not mean to hurt you. Please forgive me," he said sincerely as he reached out and pulled me in his arms.I allowed him to hold me close to him. I needed a hug desperately. I needed it like the fish needed the water.We walked back to the palace quietly, each in our own thoughts. The sun had set, and the torches were lit and lightened up the pathway to the palace. It was a beautiful, peaceful night. When we reached the stairs that led to the doorway, Billal took my hand to help me up the stairs. We said our goodnights, and I went to my room and closed the door. The tears came rolling down. I undressed, washed up, slipped into my nightgown, and crawled into bed. The tears still had not stopped. I cried myself to sleep. It wasn't the first time, and somehow I knew it would not be the last time either.
