He drew his head back. His eyes were somber and held supreme confidence. "One day, you will regret choosing him over me. I am the real man that you need to quench your thirst. Nidal can never satisfy you! Give me a chance, and I can prove it to you," he pleaded.I already regretted this meeting. I made a mistake asking him to come here. Billal looked very upset, and this was not my intention. "Billal, please forgive me," I added quickly. "I need you to be my friend, but I think I messed up. Can you forgive me?" I begged sincerely."I can forgive you. What other choice do I have? I am in love with you. Tell me what you need to say. I promise that I will never betray you. Never," he said adamantly."I trust you. From now on, you will be my confidant. I don't know why, but I feel safe with you. I need you to be my friend." I looked into his eyes and knew instantly that I had whatever my heart desired from him. Pleased, I wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my head on his chest. In response, Billal embraced me with his strong arms, and it felt good to be in this place at this time.Billal pulled back first and looked at me, waiting to hear what I needed to tell him. So I asked him straight out, "I know something is going on, something that is being kept a secret from the queen and me. It must be huge this secret that all of you are keeping from us. Nidal will not tell me. He does not want me to get scared. But you, my friend, who has sworn loyalty to me, you must tell me," I demanded softly.Billal let out a big sigh. He must have thought I would tell him something else. He looked disappointed as he looked away. "Loula, I pledge my loyalty to you now and forever, but I still, first and foremost, am loyal to the king, my uncle. The meetings we go to are confidential. I cannot speak of them. Please understand my position. I beg of you." When he saw disappointment on my face, he moaned painfully, not knowing what to do. "Loula, you will know soon enough. No need to rush and find out something that will cause pain. Be patient, and Nidal will tell you when he thinks the time is right. It is not my place to tell you such things. Remember, you chose this, not I. Now you must wait until Nidal is ready to tell you."I felt defeated. With a shrug, I walked away from the prince, upset that he chose not to tell me and implying that I chose Nidal over him. It wasn't even a choice. From the beginning, it was Nidal. It will always be Nidal, for he is the love of my life, my one true love.Billal followed close behind, calling my name softly, not to alarm the children, who, from time to time, glanced our way and clearly looked uncomfortable with the talk that Billal and I were having."Wait, Loula. 'Tis not fair. You put me on the spot," he said, aggravated now with the way things turned out.But I just kept walking. This conversation wasn't going anywhere. What was I even thinking? Bringing Billal here! Servants are everywhere, watching us, and ready to report if need be. What would happen if Nidal found out? How would he react? What have I gotten myself into?And then I stopped in my tracks. There in front of me, just a few feet away, stood Nidal. He was fuming. Trembling, I scrambled out of his view, knowing he was right behind me. I picked up my pace, but it was no use. Nidal caught up to me, grabbed my arm, and pulled me close to him. I felt him tremble as he tightened his grip on my arm. I could not look up in his face. I had nothing to say. I was lost for words.Nidal just waited for me to say something, anything at all that would explain why Billal was here. When I offered no explanation, he looked at Billal, who had just walked up beside me, and barked, "What the fuck are you doing here?"He took a step closer to Billal. His cousin tried to speak, but I quickly interrupted them."Calm down Nidal. The children are watching us, and they look upset." I told him angrily.Nidal's tone dropped to a whisper. "What is this the two of you have here? A secret rendezvous in the middle of the afternoon?" he growled.He grabbed a hold of me and shook me gently. I lost my balance, and I was about to fall, but Billal caught me just in time, which infuriated Nidal even more. "Get your paws off my woman!" He took a step forward.Natalie ran up to me screaming as tears streamed down her face. The child got scared with all this tension, and she started trembling."Stop!" I said loudly. "Have you no shame? How dare you come charging here and start throwing accusations at us!" I yelled, angry now. "How dare you raise your voice in front of innocent children! Go away. Let us be. This is no time for a jealous rage. You are not fifteen anymore, Nidal. You are a grown man. Start acting like one!" I said sharply as I gently grabbed Natalie and marched away from both men.Billal spoke for the first time, and I could sense the hatred in his voice. "Are you proud of yourself? Just what is your problem anyway? What are you afraid of? That if I am alone with Loula, she would choose me over you? That she will realize that I'm the better man?"I knew those words would have a huge impact on Nidal, and I turned just in time to witness Nidal swing a punch on Billal's jaw.Immediately, I ordered all the children to run as fast as they could back inside the house, and they hurriedly followed my instructions to safety. When all the children had settled in their seats, I ran to the window to see what was happening. I saw Billal angrily walk away as Nidal stood there frozen in his boots. I asked Nuray, the oldest child in the room, who was twelve years of age, to read a story to the children, telling her that I would be right back.I marched outside where Nidal stood and yelled, "Don't you ever do that again! What's the matter with you? First of all, the children heard and saw everything. They were scared. Second of all, the servants were all ears. And third of all, there is nothing between myself and Billal!" I took a breath. "How dare you throw your accusations around like that! What do you think I am? A whore?" I spat."You sure acted like one!" Nidal automatically answered without thinking.I could not believe my ears. I was stunned at what he just said. I lifted my hand and slapped Nidal hard across his face. My hand left a red imprint on his cheek. He opened his mouth to say something, but he was too angry to say anything.I turned and marched away from him but not before noticing that the servants had witnessed our fight. And all the children were gathered at the door, and even sweet, little Natalie was staring wide-eyed at us. Humiliated, I ran to the palace. I threw myself on the bed and cried. I once heard a doctor say that crying was therapeutic, food for the soul. So I cried my heart out.I laid there for many hours waiting for Nidal to come for me and sweep me into his arms and apologize to me with kisses. But he never did. I eventually fell asleep, dressed as I was, from exhaustion and a broken heart. He still did not come. I woke up in the middle of the night, and still he was not in my bed. Where is Nidal? Where has he gone? Why did he not come to me? I should be the one mad at him, not vice versa!So I undressed and threw myself back in bed, thinking he would soon come home to me. But as morning came and went, he did not show up. I had never felt so alone in my whole entire life. Where could he be? Where has my lover gone? Who is he with? Where did he spend the night? There were no answers to all my questions. There was no shoulder to cry on. I was completely on my own. Exhausted from the sleepless night, I fell into a deep sleep in midafternoon.I awoke a few hours later, feeling defeated, a raw, lonely feeling. It was the kind you feel when all life has gone from your spirit, when you feel depressed and depleted. I could not say when the feeling set in my heart. I did not know the answer to that. The only thing I knew for sure was that I could not move on without Nidal.I cried all day. The servants came and went. I asked to be left alone. I was not hungry; nor did I want to be bothered. They respected my wishes and did not come back. I cried all evening and into the next night. Still no Nidal. I tossed and turned and lay awake yet one more night. I counted sheep. I counted cats. I counted cattle. But I could not sleep. I wept all through the night.The next morning, I had a headache that did not want to go away. And still no Nidal! I walked over to the mirror, and I did not recognize myself anymore. My eyes were swollen, and my hair was unkempt. My lips trembled, and the tears came again. I cried a river, and still no Nidal! I felt a little dizzy. Holding on to the wall, I made my way back to the bed. I had not slept in days. I could not sleep. I was feeling miserable and lonely, and extreme sadness had overcome me. I lay in bed yet another day and night, and sleep still did not find me. When the sun came out on the third morning, I looked around the room, and it felt as if the room were spinning. I shut my eyes and tried to rest, but I could not get Nidal off my mind.I was trying to figure out where I had gone wrong when the door swung open with a crash and slammed shut with a loud bang. I did not turn around. I just lay in bed. I knew who had just walked in, and I did not have the energy to say a word. I felt defeated, weak, and angry, all at the same time.I heard him walk through the room and sigh a few times, and then I heard a loud bang. He must have punched the closet door again. I winced, knowing how painful that must be. What was he mad about? Why was he upset? I did not do anything wrong! He did! I was furious now. How dare he!I tried to lift myself up, but my hands felt heavy, and they just dropped to my side. Slowly, I wiggled out of bed and turned to look at my Nidal. I needed to see his face. Just one look. Just a peek at his beautiful face. But the room started to spin, and my legs gave out. I swayed and fell to the floor."Loula!" Nidal ran to my side quickly and lifted me in his strong arms. "Loula, what's wrong?"His voice was thick and hoarse as he called my name a third time, but I was too weak to answer. Nidal laid me gently on the bed and ran to the door, where he threw the door open and called out for help. The servants came scrambling in one by one as the prince barked orders. He demanded the doctor to come immediately, and then he wanted to know what had happened in his absence. The servants explained that I had not eaten a thing in three days.Anger was in his voice when he told them to leave the room. They all scrambled out of there just as the queen walked in. Clearly upset, she asked how I was faring, and then she told Nidal that she had ordered the servants to leave me in peace, thinking I needed to be alone during his absence to sort things out. Nidal was about to yell something at his mother, but the doctor rushed in and told everyone to leave the room.Nidal refused to leave my side, and the doctor shook his head in disapproval, walked up to the bed, and felt my forehead. Then he felt my pulse. I heard him tell Nidal that my pulse was low.Alarmed, Nidal asked, "What is wrong with her?""Relax Nidal, there is nothing to worry about. Loula just needs to eat and catch up on some sleep."I could hear the relief in Nidal's voice as he thanked the doctor for his services and walked him out the room. Then he called the servants and told them to bring some food. The thought of food made me wince. I was not hungry for food. I was hungry for Nidal's touch. I was thirsty for his kisses. Weak as I was, I still yearned for him to make love to me. I missed him so much.Nidal sat on the bed next to me. I looked up into his eyes and saw in them what I hoped to see. I knew that look. He still loved me. My heart did somersaults. My prince leaned close to me, kissed my forehead, and whispered his love for me. The servants came into the room with three trays of food. Nidal told them to place the trays on the side table and to leave the room immediately and not bother us for the rest of the day.My prince tried to lift me in a sitting position so he could feed me, but I told him there was no way I would eat anything. I wasn't hungry for food. I needed Nidal. I needed him now. And Nidal, as if he read my thoughts, climbed into bed with me, held me in his arms, and kissed me hungrily. This is the kind of food I was starving for. This is what I lived for.I finally fell into a deep sleep. I slept for hours and into the next day. When I awoke, Nidal lay next to me. I was in his arms. He squeezed me tight into his embrace. We did not say anything. Right now, words were not needed. He was back, and that was all that mattered.Nidal jumped out of bed quickly, naked in all his glory. When had he taken off his clothes? He stood beside the bed looking down at me, teasing me with his nakedness. I reached for him, but suddenly the smile was gone from his face."It is time for you to eat. The doctor said you must eat something. And I promise you, after you eat, I will jump back in bed and give you what you crave." He then put on his clothes, and he threw my nightgown over my head and said teasingly, "Sorry, but I have to. Otherwise, we will not be able to concentrate on the food."When had my clothes come off my body?Nidal pulled me up in a sitting position. He then placed a couple of feathered pillows behind my back and brought the tray of food to the bed. Nidal fed me chicken broth and crackers."Something light, I do not want you over eating and upsetting your stomach." He said lightly.But I was famished. I asked for more food and ate everything he fed me. I even drank some wine. Nidal took the tray away when I had finished my lunch. Then he served me the fruit he had promised me if I ate all my food.***As the days passed blissfully, I regained my strength, but I still had no answer from Nidal. Where was he for three days and three nights? Who was he with? I waited patiently for Nidal to feel comfortable enough to talk to me about it. My suspicions took over, and a million things came to my mind. So I tried to focus on things that were pleasant and brought me peace.One afternoon a few days later, when I was coming back from the orphanage, I saw Princess Shaeena coming down my path. As she approached me, she had a wicked smile on her lips, a smile I wanted to slap off her lovely face. But instead, I smiled back at her sweetly, playing her game, as I waited for her to speak. I was sure she was here to serve me with poisonous words."Taking an afternoon walk all by yourself, I see." She looked around. "Where is Nidal? Tired of you already?" she asked sweetly.I just continued walking, ignoring her snide remarks. I will not allow myself to stoop to her level. But she marched right next to me, matching every step I took with her own. I knew I was not going to be rid of her any time soon as her cold glare scanned me from head to toe. I braced myself for her next words that I knew were coming."What's the matter, Loula? I know something happened with the two of you. Otherwise, he would not come over to my palace for three nights in a row warming my bed," she purred, smiling with satisfaction.Even if she tried, she could not hurt me any more this moment than when she revealed Nidal's whereabouts on the day he walked out on me. My blood froze. My heart pounded out of control, and my senses whirled like a spinning tornado as I turned and looked at her, stunned. But I was not about to give her the satisfaction she was craving. I smiled and thanked her for taking good care of my Nidal. I simply walked away from her with my head held high."Yes, keep walking, bitch!" she hissed, as if trying to scare me, as if she were in total control of herself.I heard her huffing and puffing and stomping her feet. I would have laughed my head off, but for the fact that now I knew and it was confirmed that my prince had spent three nights with her. How could he do this to me? I thought I knew him better than that. But Nidal was full of surprises. Back home, they say, "If it's too good to be true, it's not true."Warm tears escaped my eyes as they made their way down my cheeks. I choked back a cry, plastered a smile on my face, and entered the palace. A smiling and welcoming queen greeted Shaeena, who followed behind me. They entered the tea room, but not before the queen threw me a worried look. Embarrassed, I ran as fast as my feet could take me to my chambers.I could not believe it. A tight knot was forming in the pit of my stomach. He had betrayed me! He had run off to her bed. How could he do this to me? I believed every word he ever told me. How naïve of me!Now what do I do? How could I accept his kisses without feeling betrayed? How could I make a life with him knowing what I now know? Maybe she was just lying. Maybe she made it all up. I have to ask Nidal. He needs to tell me the truth. I sat frozen on my bed, thinking of everything. I was trying to make sense of it all. I knew that things would never be the same now. Everything had changed.About an hour passed, and Nidal still had not come home. I walked over to the window to see if he were anywhere in sight. Just as Nidal was making his way up the stairs to the palace, by coincidence, Princess Shaeena was walking out the palace at the same time. They greeted each other with a hug and a kiss on the lips, which made my stomach turn as I witnessed this. The princess held on to Nidal's arm and whispered something in his ear, and Nidal smiled at her. Sick to my stomach, I saw the princess pull Nidal toward the rose garden. Nidal hesitated at first, but then he walked with her. She was still holding on to his arm as they disappeared into the gardens.Now I know how Nidal had felt when Billal kissed me. If it were anywhere near the pain that I was feeling at this moment, then the punch he threw Billal was somehow justifiable. I leaned against the wall and prayed that this was a misunderstanding, hoping she was the one who kissed him just now on the lips. But I was witness to it. I saw him kiss her back.I heard laughter, and I braced myself as I took another peek outside the window. The princess kissed him again, but it was on his cheek this time, as she laughingly said her good-bye and walked gracefully away. Nidal stood there looking at her until she disappeared from his view. The look on his face as he watched the princess leave was warm and pleasant.I cannot believe it. I don't understand it. He had better do some good explaining when he comes to me, or else I will never forgive him. Never!So I waited, thinking Nidal would come to me at any moment and make the pain go away. But he never did. Instead, he headed straight for the stables and rode away on his black stallion, taking the same road that Princess Shaeena's carriage had taken.He is going to her, I thought miserably, holding back a stifled cry as my mind raced to remember again the conversation I had with the princess earlier in the day.She won, and I lost. I suddenly realized it. Exhausted now, I undressed, lay on my bed under the covers, and closed my eyes. I knew it was impossible for me to sleep right now, but maybe a nap was necessary. Maybe when I wake up I will realize that it is all just a bad dream.
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