Chapter Eight
Loula
There was silence in the room when I woke up in the morning. Nidal was not in bed with me, and I looked around the room for him and saw him standing by the window. He kept running his fingers through his hair. I heard him sigh a couple of times as he stood rigid, staring out into the gardens.I kept silent, knowing he had a lot on his mind. Something was bothering him, and I needed to know what it was. But knowing Nidal, he did not share stressful information with me, saying he loved me too much to upset me with stuff like that. But I had to know. I wanted to know everything that occupied Nidal's mind. I guess I was turning into him, needing to know and understand him fully and in every way.As I was getting out of bed, Nidal turned, and I saw the pain in his eyes before he quickly covered it up by throwing me a loving smile. We both walked toward each other and hugged. I felt loved and safe in his embrace. Our lips met, and he quickly scooped me up in his arms. We both landed back in bed, but I needed to talk to him and not get distracted by his kisses, so I pushed him away from me gently.With a serious tone, I said, "Nidal, stop it! I know you are trying to distract me. I see you suffering, and I can't stand it anymore. Have I caused this pain that I see in your eyes? Have I disappointed you in any way?"Nidal's expression on his face was full of love and concern as he grabbed me by the waist, pulled me close, and locked me in his arms. "No, my love," he whispered softly. "It has nothing to do with you. I was just thinking about the meeting last night."His strong arms tightened his hold on me, and he brought his lips down on mine. This was his way of avoiding answering direct questions, and this angered me. He shared only the information that suited him and withheld the rest. I wiggled out of his embrace, tipped my head back, and looked him square in his eyes."Don't you think, Nidal, that I should know what wanders in your mind? Isn't it about time you share your thoughts with me?" I asked, frustrated. He was protecting me from something, and I needed to know what that was."I can't tell you without hurting you. Don't you understand how much I love you? Do you know me so little? Don't you know that I would give my life for you? I would protect you from anything and anyone with my life! Telling you everything would make you scared and hopeless. Why would I want to do that to you, Loula?" he pleaded for me to understand."You are a hypocrite!" I accused. "You say all this, yet you want to know everything that's on my mind! I love you, and if you are going through a rough time, I want to know. It affects me too, when you are suffering. I suffer when you suffer! Please try to understand my feelings too. Don't be selfish!" I tried to reason with him."Selfish?" My accusations had hurt him. "You call me selfish and a hypocrite! The only reason I don't want to tell you is because I want to protect you. It's my job to make you feel safe."But he needed to understand that we were equal partners in this. He could not pick and choose only what suited him. "I insist that you tell me!" I yelled. "You say you love me, but you are not willing to share. I do not understand this love you say you have for me that only serves your purpose and not mine!" I said angrily."Fine, Loula. Ask me what you want to know, and I will try to answer the best way I can," he sounded defeated.I turned to him and went straight to the point. "I want to know everything about the meetings. I know something horrible is about to happen. I can feel it." I knew as I waited for Nidal's response that what he revealed to me might be more than I could handle.Nida considered my statement and, without hesitation, asked, "Then why do you insist to know? It will only upset you." He tried reasoning with me. "The less you know the better." He was obviously genuinely concerned now for my welfare."No, Nidal, that's where you are wrong. Not knowing, no matter how bad it is, will only make me sick with worry." I tried to make him understand my logic.Nidal knew he had lost the argument, and when he spoke, it was with great sadness. "Loula, in a few months, my beloved country will go to war.""War?" I was terrified. "Who will lead them to war?" I already knew the answer to that before he even responded.Nidal just sat there staring at me without answering my question. But his silence confirmed to me what I needed to know. I threw myself on him, crying."No, Nidal! You cannot go!" I begged. "I won't let you. Why do you have to even be there? Please, Nidal, don't go!" I cried.Nidal tried to calm me down, but I was hysterical. "That is the reason I chose not to tell you. I knew you would be upset, Loula. Tell me you understand that, please," Nidal begged.I looked into Nidal's beautiful face. He was so handsome, and he was mine. The thought that he was going to put his life in danger drove me wild with worry. I did not know how to deal with such news. I hugged him, never wanting to let him go. I held him in my arms so tight. I wanted this moment to last forever. Tears rolled down my face, sobs tore from my throat, and I was trembling. I felt Nidal's hold tighten."Now do you know why I did not tell you before this, Loula?" Nidal gently asked. "I knew how you would react. I do not want you to feel this way.""So what were you going to do? Run off to war without saying a single word? Did you want me to wake up one morning and realize you had gone to war?" I let out all my anger and frustration.Nidal just sat there, not saying a word, which angered me even more. I started pounding on his chest. He didn't even wince at the pain. He knew I was right."So tell me, Nidal. How am I supposed to live without you now that I have lived with you for so long? What if something happens to you and I never see you again? I will kill myself! I will jump in the river and drown myself," I told him frantically.In that instant, Nidal saw in my eyes the truth that I would do just that. He pulled me close to him and yelled hoarsely, "Stop it! Loula, stop it! Don't say such things! I will lead my men to war, we will destroy the enemy, and then we will come home. You have nothing to fear," he lied miserably.I almost choked on my next words. "When are you leaving?" I stared him in the face without blinking. "Were you even going to tell me? Or were you going to leave without saying good-bye?" I knew what the answer to that was. "I am deeply hurt." I sobbed and felt the pain in my chest squeezing me tight.Nidal's face flushed with shame. I pulled back and looked into his eyes, searching for answers. Nidal knew how to hide them well. He wanted to protect me from the truth. "Tell me, Nidal," I demanded. "I want to know everything, every single little thing!" I cried.And Nidal settled himself uncomfortably on the bed and looked serene, like he was almost relieved that the truth was about to come out. "I will tell you everything, and I know later I will regret this," he said grimly. "But since you persist in knowing the truth, I will tell you all, but don't interfere until I am done talking." He sighed. "Every meeting I have gone to has been about the preparations for the war. I did not tell you. I wanted to spare you the awful details. I knew it would scare you to pieces, but you must know that I intended to tell you right before I left. Knowing before that would get you stressed out much sooner than necessary. I know you love me, and you would tell me to stay here with you, but Loula ..." He paused for a second and wiped the tears from my face. "I have to go. I have my honor and my love for my country. I cannot let my men go without me. I am not a coward! I am their leader. They look up to me. They love me, Loula, and I will not let them down!" He averted his eyes as he said this because he could not look me in the face. He knew I would say that he would be letting me down if he went.My shoulders dropped, and my head swayed back and forth as the tears rolled down my face. The sobs ripped through my throat as I cried out his name in fear for his life."Oh, Nidal," I cried. "Nidal, please don't go. What if something happens to you and I don't ever see you again? What if you die in battle and they bring your body home in a bag? I cannot live without you! I won't live without you!" I screamed.Nidal tried to calm me down, promising he would return from the war. He wiped away my tears and held me in his arms until my sobs stopped and I went limp in his arms. I was exhausted. I did not move from this position; nor did Nidal ask me to. Within minutes, I fell into a deep sleep, as if I were drugged. I passed out in his arms. I was emotionally disturbed, and it was easier to sleep away the pain.When I awoke, I was still wrapped in Nidal's strong arms. The room was almost dark, except for a candle that was on the table. The flame about to diminish was casting shadows across the room. Nidal slept peacefully. I stared at him for hours. I could not get enough of him. I saw a wet tear on his lashes and knew he had been crying too. I knew I had no choice but to let him go. I would pray from the moment he left until the moment he returned back into my arms. I would beg God to spare his life. I would count the days, the hours, the minutes, and the seconds. I would light a candle every day until his return.***Excitement was in the air as the days were getting closer. The palace was getting ready for the prince and his men to leave. Everyone was bustling about, preparing for departure. I only saw Nidal at night in our bed. He was too busy during the day to be with me. He was still doing last-minute training, and the meetings were still going on. In the night when he came to me, he was exhausted from the day's work, and my prince fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. I was too numb to say anything, and in the middle of the night, I awakened to quiet kisses and caresses and murmured words of love and promises that only God could make come true.The day before Nidal was supposed to leave, I was sitting alone on the bench in the rose garden, meditating and praying to God when I heard a familiar voice behind me."'Tis a beautiful day for a stroll in the gardens. Would you do me the honor and walk with me?" Billal asked charmingly as he stretched out his arm and waited for me to take his hand.I sat there staring at him with a smile on my face, excited that he chose at this time to visit with me, a time when my heart was about to break. I felt lonely, and I accepted his invitation without skipping a heartbeat. I wrapped my arm around his arm, and we walked quietly, just enjoying the view.Billal broke the silence. "So how are you holding up?" he asked, curious. "Have you prepared yourself for the departure of your prince? We will be gone a while, you know," he chimed, as if he had not a care in the world, as if going to war were not a threat to his life.I looked at him suspiciously, trying to figure him out, but Billal was a hard man to read. We walked through the gardens slowly. Billal was chattering with excitement when he suddenly stopped in his tracks, turned, and looked into my face. A very uncomfortable feeling was forming in the pit of my stomach. And then he leaned over and kissed me. It was so sudden that there was no time to react. He just kissed me without my permission. By the time I realized that I was kissing him back, he had already tasted my lips on his.I tried pushing him away from me as hard as I could, but I was no match for him. He weighed two hundred pounds, and he grasped on to me with the strength of a lion. His strong thighs pressed against my body, and I could feel his manhood rubbing against me. Alarmed, I tried to free myself from him but could not.Finally, he stopped and took a step back. "I'm sorry, Loula," he said, apologetic. "I could not help myself. You are a very beautiful woman, and I think I have fallen in love with you," he admitted as I stared at him wide-eyed in disbelief with what he just confessed.I was about to slap him hard across his face, but I sensed someone was looking at us. I turned and looked up at the palace. I saw Nidal. He was staring coldly down at us from the window. He witnessed everything. I saw him turn and walk away. My heart started pounding a thousand times a minute. He saw us! He would assume that I had invited the kiss. He had no way of knowing that I did nothing wrong.I pushed Billal out of my way and ran up the path to the palace. I had to find Nidal and explain that what he saw was not what he thought. I heard Billal run after me as he called my name from behind me. He was much stronger than I was, but I was faster than he was. By the time he caught up to me, I had entered the palace, and I was racing down the corridor, looking for Nidal.I checked in our bedroom, but he was not there. I opened every door down the hall, but nothing. He was nowhere. I stepped into one of the rooms and ran to the window, thinking he was outside and I could catch a glimpse of him, but he was not outside either. I heard Billal enter the room and walk up beside me. I could feel his hard breathing on my neck as he tried to catch his breath.He put his hands on my shoulders and turned me around. "Loula, why do you run from me? Why do you rebuke my kisses? I love you. Please give me a chance to prove to you that I am the better man." He leaned over and kissed me again."I hope your choice was a wise one, Loula," Nidal said with a cold, calm voice while leaning against the doorway of the guest room. I staggered backward with a scream.Billal looked at Nidal, amused, and said with a laugh, "Well, you came just in time."I closed my eyes, begging God not to allow Billal to bait my prince.Nidal's face tightened, but he stood there with calm superiority. He was looking at the both of us with burning fire in his eyes. It was a dangerous look, and then, with a sudden sharp edge of anger in his voice, he said, "I'm done!" He turned and stepped out of the room.I stared in disbelief at his stiff back as he walked away. His voice had sounded final. I ran to the door to see where he might be, but he had vanished through an archway that led to the east corridor. Somewhere in the distance, a door clicked shut. I stopped in my tracks, frozen where I stood. I tried to gather my wits. Billal came behind me and placed his hand on my arm. It felt like fire burned me when he touched me. I pulled away from him angrily and started running down the corridor. I needed to find Nidal and explain myself.There were so many doors. I opened the door to most of the rooms, but Nidal was not anywhere. I ran to our bedroom, thinking he would eventually come to me. I heard Billal's voice somewhere behind me call my name, but I ignored him. I closed the door, walked over to our bed, and threw myself on it, crying hysterically. The pain in my chest tightened even more as I called out Nidal's name. I knew this time was different. I saw the look in Nidal's face. It was cold and heartless. Fear struck me because I knew I might have lost him forever this time. He really was done with me. I saw it in his eyes and heard it in his voice.At that second, the door to our room went flying and crashed against the stone wall. I turned and saw Nidal walk in. He did not even look at me as he headed straight for his jacket that lay on the chair by the window. He put it on, and he was heading for the door.I ran up to him and pulled his arm. "Nidal, please, hear me out. Please," I begged tearfully. "Nidal," I called out his name. But he tugged his arm out of my grip, looked at me with a disgusted look, and strode toward the door without saying another word.I was desperate for him to listen to reason. I grabbed the tail of his jacket and tried to pull it. He stopped, turned, and looked right at me.With a snarl, he said, "Let go of my jacket, woman! We are done. I told you! Don't ever touch me again." He tugged at his jacket and headed straight for the door.
