Shatter Me

[5] Maybe, Just Maybe

dedicated to charlotterose33 for the picture above! xx

~~~

*Returning to Serenity's P.O.V.*

I sat at my usual place in the back of the coffee shop, waiting for Jason to show up. I didn't really mind that he was late. It wasn't like I had anything better to do. Since there were no classes today, and I was finished with work, I was completely free.

The more I thought about it, the more I began to think that this would be good for me. Studying with Jason.

Obviously, I didn't plan on us becoming friends or anything more than what we remained at the moment. Acquaintances... if you could even call it that.

I knew how it was with guys normally, especially the guys at my school. Always trying to flirt. And I didn't intend on any of that happening here. Just because I was studying with him, didn't mean I was opening up to him.

There weren't many people normally in this coffee shop, maybe that was what made it my favorite. It was normally fairly empty and quiet. The near silence made it so much easier for me to study, think, memorize my lines for  whatever play I was to be acting in at the time, and concentrate on reading.

I turned the page of the book I was reading. I had been devouring the pages of it for the past three days at every chance I had gotten. I found myself smiling as I finished reading the first paragraph of the page.

As I said before, smiling wasn't something I did often. Not for people, anyways. The only time I ever smiled was when I was reading. It was easy to smile when I had my nose in a book and was making believe that I was inside of it, experiencing the beauties of the fairytales. But when it came to the realities of life, there wasn't much to smile about.

I let my smile quickly fade as I saw from the corner of my eye, someone approaching. I looked up to see Jason standing above me. His blondish brown hair fell slightly over the left side of his face, covering part of his large green/blue eyes. He pulled his bookbag from his shoulder and placed it beside him as he sat across from me.

"Hey," he said. He was now facing me. And he was smiling. That smile of his. That genuine smile of his.

"Hi," I tried my best to not seem rude because of the fact that I still wasn't able to smile at him. I finally was able to give him a somewhat of a half smile. But It wasn't genuine. Not like his, anyways.

After the awkward greetings, we got to studying. And...it was an experience of never had while studying before. The way Jason said things, explained parts i didn't understand, and occasionally made jokes about certain topics...he almost made me...laugh.

There was something about him that I couldn't explain. Maybe it was the way that he smiled so...different from everyone else. Maybe it was the way he looked at me like I was an actual human being. Maybe it was his energetic personality. Or maybe it was just the fact that he actually cared enough to talk to me and to take the time study with me.

Whatever it was, it was unexplainable. And so was the feeling that he gave me whenever he was around me. He made me feel like I actually mattered. It almost made me feel happy inside.

About half way into our studying session, somehow, our conversation had drifted from science and onto more personal things. Which I hadn't planned on.

"So do you come here often?" Jason asked me.

"Yeah. I, um, it's a nice place to come and read."

Somehow, as we continued talking, we ended up talking about my acting. He asked me about what type of plays I did and I answered. He mentioned how he loved watching plays and should come watch me sometime.

Finally, he asked me a question about my parents.
"Do your parents come watch your plays often?"

I froze.

My eyes stared down at my hands in my lap as memories of my parents flashed through my brain. Why did he have to ask about my parents now?

A flashback suddenly came to mind. It felt like a stab in my heart.

I was six years old. I had just come home from school, after watching a play that older kids put on. It seemed so amazing to my young mind that they were able to act out a story. And the actors could become a character in a storybook, if only for a little while. I wanted to dress up. I wanted to be on that stage. I wanted to act.

I came running into the kitchen where my parents were talking, arguing. They were fighting again.

When I finally got there attention on me I told them all about the play. I told them I wanted to act too.

They said no. With no valid reason, no explanation, nothing. Simply no. And went back to thier argument.

They never let me act. And it was only months later that they both died.

I snapped back to reality, riveting my gaze back up to Jason.
I knew I was about to go off at him, but I couldn't stop myself. The words just came out, and I couldn't control them.

"My parents are gone." I paused and then looked up at him. "Why would you ask me about me parents anyway? You just assume that everyone you meet has parents who are alive and healthy. Well, guess what? I don't. So, why don't you just... stay out of my personal business!"

I stood up. "Look at the time. I think we've studied long enough now. I have to go."

Jason stood too. "Wait. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to sound that way...can we just-"

"No. I have to go."

I picked up my books and I left the shop.

I walked down the sidewalk, heading for home. As I walked, I was inwardly yelling at myself.

Why in world did I have to do that? Why couldn't I just control my stupid temper?

I knew that Jason had just been trying to be friendly. I knew that he didn't know that my parents had died. But when it came to my parents, I couldn't control myself. It hurt to think about them. They never let me do anything I wanted when they were still here. They never had time for me, they only had time to fight. And then accident happened and they were both gone. I blamed myself for it. Maybe if I had been a better child, they would have loved me more. I didn't know what I had done wrong, but whatever it was... I blamed myself for it.

And now I had probably just lost my studying partner.

I sighed.

Maybe it was hopeless. Maybe I'd just never be normal like everyone else. Maybe I'd just always live my stressful life alone. Maybe I'd never be able to show Jason that I wasn't rude and that I was just scared. Maybe I was hopeless. Just maybe.