Shatter Me

[12] I'll Be There

I shifted restlessly in my chair. This was my last class of the day and the clock on the wall told me that it wasn't even half over yet. Jason had asked me if he could take me out somewhere after classes, so that we could talk. He had said, "Only if you're okay with that". And I was. I was totally okay with talking to him now. Talking wasn't my problem. And especially with him. I imagined that when we talked later, I would end up spilling all of my problems on him. And he would listen. Because he understood.

No, talking wasn't my problem. All the confusion was my problem. I didn't know how to like Jason. I didn't know how it felt. And if the feeling I had now, was a feeling of affection or not. I guess I didn't have to worry about that though. Jason and I had come to an understanding. Our relationship was only one of friendship. Nothing more. And when we went out, it wouldn't be for a date. Only to talk and to have a little fun. No affection. No romantic dining. Nothing like that. Just friends. And at this point, I was fine with that. I was fine with being his friend, and him being mine.

Today was Monday again. Today marked exactly one month since I had met Jason. I can't believe I had actually remembered the date. But I did. And now that I looked back on that day, I realize that I would have never guessed that I would come to point. That I would this comfortable with anyone. I didn't realize how much can change in a person. But did that mean that maybe I'd change even more? No, I wasn't ready to think about that. The changes that had already took place in me were already bringing enough confusion. And I wasn't ready for more.

I was being very impatient. The class wasn't over yet and I wanted to see what Jason had meant by...out. Where were we going to go?

But wait...was I even listening to my class anymore? My mind had wandered off and I wasn't even paying attention anymore. I snapped back to reality.

"Excuse me, Miss Serenity. But I asked you a question." My professor had been trying to get my attention.

"Oh, sorry. Yes?" I said, embarrassed.

I heard the snickers from students around me. It bothered me, but only slightly. I was used to that. I was used to people laughing at me. Teasing me. Bullying me. That was why I stayed away from people. That was why. Ever since I was a little girl, people would hurt me. Mentally and emotionally. They made me feel so pained. So depressed. So...regretful. They made me regret almost everything that I had ever done.

But then there was Jason. He wasn't like that. He didn't make me feel like that. He didn't make me feel hurt. Or depressed. Or regretful. He just understood me.

I realized that I wasn't paying attention again.

So this is what it had come to? Thinking about Jason in class?

Wow...

***

"Pain would be an understatement of what I've been through." I said softly.

Jason and I were sitting inside of a fast food restaurant. And like I thought, as our conversation had progressed, I ended up starting to tell him about...well, pretty much everything. It felt so good to be able to actually have my thoughts going into someone else's ears other than my own. And Jason didn't criticize me. He didn't tell me I was doing everything wrong. He jus listened. And he comforted me.

"And..." I continued talking. "It just never ends. I can never forgive myself. I just feel like I've been doing everything wrong my whole life. And I regret everything I've ever done. Sometimes I even blame myself for my parents death. I just...hate myself. And I hate life. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lost and confused and broken and...and I can't see any purpose for me in this life. I don't have hope like you do, Jason. And...no one seems to understand. No one ever hears me when I cry. No one's ever there. I scream. I cry. I call out, but no ones there to help me. No one hears. And sometimes I wonder what's the point. No one would even care if I left this earth today. And I'd just be forgotten. No one would remember me..."

As I sat there, talking to Jason, I was saying things that I'd always been scared to even talk to myself about. Even my own thoughts had never been exposed to how much depression I truly as hiding deep down inside.

Tears slowly began falling down my face without me even noticing.

"Please don't cry." Jason said, looking deep into my eyes. "I would never forget you. But please, don't think of such things as ending your precious life. Life can be so much more than the pain. There's just something that you're missing. Something that can give you joy even when you hurt. Something that can give you hope."

"What's that?" I asked, already knowing what he was going to say.

"Jesus. He hears you cry. And he wants to wipe the tears from your face. He wants to give you hope. And be there for you when you're hurting. All you have to do is trust him. And let him into your life."

I sighed. "Maybe...I just don't see how. I...this is all just confusing for me...it hurts my head."

"Don't worry, we don't have to talk about this now. If you want to talk about it later, then I'll be ready though. Whenever you want." He paused. "And in the meantime, remember. I care about you and I want to be there for you. I want to be that person who hears you when you cry out. You can talk to me. And I'll listen. I know it's hard for you because you've always been alone. But you don't have to be alone in this anymore. I want to be there when you need someone to talk you. So you don't have to be alone...Would you like that?"

"Yes." I whispered. "That would be amazing."

And there was the feeling again. The feeling in my heart. It was just a hunch, but I figured that this feeling wasn't going away anytime soon.

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