Four hundred and two[JENSOO]

20

Jennie hates it when her heart is in desperate conflict with her mind.

Jennie hates when coffee boils out of special coffee dishes, once again filling the stove.

Jennie hates the anguish under her heart from the correctness of decisions, hates the sun burning the back of her head, the smell of gasoline, thwarted plans, French bulldogs, love tabloid novels, ugly architecture and tea with milk. Damn, Jennie seems to hate her life, but most of all...

Jennie hates Jisoo the most.

She closes her eyes, inhaling deeply through her nose, and sinks back into her chair, exhausted to do anything. Memories of their meeting after classes, of the rustle of clothes in a quiet classroom, of sharp, almost feverish movements, when at the peak somewhere in the temples the thought of how wrong it was, come to mind in fragments.

Wrong...

Wildly...

It's not normal...

And somewhere in the larynx, everything is throbbing with self-loathing, because she, an adult woman, has reached the point that she cannot let go of some girl from herself — neither mentally nor physically. And in mute impotence, looking at the spilled coffee, Jennie blinks several times, trying to drive away the veil of tears. The calendar was disappointingly showing the twenty-third of April, and the heart was squeezed so hard that it was unbearable to sigh, and the thought that Jisoo was about to leave gave off some kind of dull pain in her chest.

-I know what you want to say.- Tucking her shirt into her jeans, Jisoo drawled without looking up. 

And Jennie froze, staring in front of her, as if only then realizing where this whole little affair had led her. And for some reason it became unbearably ashamed and so embarrassing that Jisoo, apparently feeling it, immediately cast a glance at the woman. It seemed as if they had changed places, and now a real woman was looking at Jennie: strong, wise, the one who could shut up without words, and Jennie only turned into a shadow of Jisoo herself. She stood with her mouth slightly open, as if she was really going to say something, but the girl, looking exactly into her eyes, seemed not to let her do it.

-It doesn't change anything, you know.

It's absurdly funny that Jennie really understands, and for some reason she acutely wants to give a ringing slap in the face, so that the girl's perfectly pink cheek burns, so that tears accumulate in her eyes, and her throat is still mercilessly squeezed by the rolling resentment. Surprisingly, resentment is the only thing a woman feels, and this resentment is deep, real, that in response you want to hurt even more.

But Jennie was silent. Pursing her lips for greater security, she only nodded in response, and then, grabbing her bag, left the office, not daring to end this scene with any words.

For a long time she tried to come to an understanding of what exactly Jisoo had told her and why she had done it just now. Why, having achieved the complete destruction of Jennie's life, Jisoo was able to confess what she could have reported months earlier? Why did you let Jennie fall in love and give up everything for someone who never wanted it?

Why?

***

The spring slush clung to her shoes, and the air ruffled her black curls in the wind. Jisoo was sitting on a bench near some sports ground and drinking cheap beer in quick sips while other people's eyes looked at her either in bewilderment or with pity. Taking a sip from her own bottle, Ari tucked her knees closer to her chest, looking at the completely soiled sneakers and thinking that this was probably the least of all the troubles.