Teach Me Love

Come On

Stef's POV

We finally went to a medical center for Reen to see all kind of specialist, ORL, doctors, speech therapist and really every specialist we could find. It's crazy how you don't have to wait that much to see a doctor in those clinics for the riches. But anyways, today I honestly didn't mind it at all for at least that was done and I could breathe a little better knowing that Ivan didn't touch Reen in inappropriate manners, her body haven't been injure in any way I could think about and that was such a relief because all those years, even though I tried to buried those events, it was always in the back of my head that maybe my baby wasn't safe, that she was in danger, yet, even while having that doubt, what did I do? Nothing. I tried to forget and move on with my life... and that, I could never forgive myself for. And I don't think Reen will ever forgive me, and that's why I can't even look at her. I don't want to see the pain that I think is in her eyes because that would most definitely kill me... each time Reen was near me, I turned my head or put some distance... I didn't even enter in the doctors' office with Lena and Rosy, I just stayed in the waiting room, my head down, waiting for them, just in case someone ask an ID, or an authorization or something like that.

Once again today, Rosy is taking Reen at her house as Lena and I are at home. She has been a bit quiet, and I know she just want to ask me what we are going to do and just doesn't want to rush me and give me time. However, I know that we have to talk about it. We are a couple; we live together and so now she's involved. A child is a big responsibility, and I don't know if I can do that... if I can be a mother, her mother... I know that I told Lena that I was okay to have children with her, but I didn't think that I would have to choose right now, and I definitely didn't think that it would actually be the child that I abandoned.

"So... baby..." Lena says, coming to sit next to me in the couch as I was staring at the ground, stuck in my mind as I lift my head to look at her as she put her arm on the back of the couch behind me.

"Did you think about... about what you want to do in regard to Reen?" she asks softly as I can tell she's trying to menage me.

"No... I mean yes, but I... I don't know, love..." I say honestly.

"Okay... but you know, you need to decide Stef... I'm sorry to rush you, but the speech therapist said that often when the child doesn't try to talk it's because of the lack of stability in the environment, so she needs to get settle somewhere babe and quickly or she'll be... she'll have difficulties later on." Lena says as I'm trying to think, to get all that wrapped around my head, but it was hard to think right now... my mind is fucked, and I can't think properly.

"I know, I know, but I really, really don't know what to do... I don't know if I can have her around me like that, I..." I say before Lena cuts me off.

"I understand honey, but look... we live comfortably, we have everything, and we... we said that we wanted children, and Reen needs a home, and you, you are her mother so maybe..." Lena starts as I turn my head to look at her and this time, I'm the one cutting her off.

"I'm not her mother Lena. I didn't take care of her, I barely know her, giving birth to her doesn't mean that I'm her mom." I say, starting to feel my head spinning.

"I know that, but you could learn to know her. I mean, she's so sweet and I know before you didn't have the chance to take care of her, but now you can, she could have a mom, her mom and..."

"She could have her mom, or YOU want to be her mom?" I ask a bit harshly, feeling my heart ponding into my chest.

"What? Stef, come on, it's not..." she tried to explain but again I cut her off for I couldn't heard one more word.

"Just because you can't have children Lena, doesn't mean you can force me to keep this one!" I heard myself saying and in such a hurtful tone...

Lena is about to say something when she realizes what I just said, and the pain spread over her face almost instantly, and that's not what I wanted at all...