Where life takes you...

Panchmahabhuta

Arayna Oberoi

I hate to admit it but it did feel incomplete to leave just just like that, without a goodbye. But I couldn't wait for goodbye, I didn't want the confrontation of a goodbye or any pleasantries to be exchanged to avoid any chances of meeting again.

I had checked the time when getting up from the grass and knew it was almost time for Evelyn to come find me with help of my location. Once I heard Dexter bark that was my cue to leave from the park and I silently walked out the exit gate Evelyn had managed to open. Sitting in the car, I took a glance out the window looking at Steven and I felt guilty for fooling him like that. He looked innocent and clueless as he removed my scarf from his eyes. My scarf; my Mom's scarf that I had no choice but to leave with him if I had to escape without being confronted. I see him looking around for me confused, he even shouted something I couldn't hear as my car moves away from the park's gates.

I was sure Steven would get over me abandoning him , it was anyways just a one night thing and we crossed paths by-chance. I am sure he must have met plenty girls and forgotten them like this tonnes of times; just that this one was different, he must be disappointed, maybe he was hoping that this was also one of those nights he spent with his one night stands.

I must not mind it, what he wanted this night to be should not bother me, but it did. I didn't want him to think of this night as a missed opportunity or as a lost chance because this night was definitely different for me, one I could never forget.

I had thought that I'd be Ari again but who was I kidding. I can never go back to being myself again. I miss myself, my old self so so much but its just too hard. Mumma and Papa were proud of me and I wonder if they would be proud of me today.
Just lying there staring at the stars this one thought kept running in my mind. If they were really up there, looking down at me twinkling in the sky, I wanted to know what they think of me. I wanted to know, I wanted to scream and ask them if they are still proud of me, if they still love me the same; but I will never know because even if I ask I won't get an answer.

The only thing I can do is assume; and all my assumptions only say one thing, that they would not be happy with what I have made of myself. They were such positive and happy people and taught me the same; to love life, make the most of it; forget and forgive and these are all the things that I cannot do anymore. There is too much pain to let go of  these things. I try to just let go but all the pain that it caused, all that I have lost flashes in front of me as if it all happened just yesterday and its as raw as new.

I have built the walls so high for myself that its now difficult to break it. Yes, sure there was a minor crack where I had let Steven in but not again. I cannot let it happen again. I do not deny that his presence, his comfort felt good. It felt like I could breathe again when he held my hand; the fact that he did not ask any questions; but just laid next to me calming my frantic thoughts that takes me back and again to this day; the day when I lost everything; the day when I lost my parents. The phone call, that one phone call that changed my life forever. The memories of them lying in blood clad white sheets haunt me again; I feel my throat tighten and its hard to swallow. I take deep breaths as suggested by my therapist, trying to think of good memories and first thing that comes to my mind is me and Steven lying there on the grass with him holding my hand and I jerk myself back from the memory lane being able to breathe normal again.

Taking a plain canvas I start painting. I try to think of vivid things to take my mind off those things. I didn't want to break down now. Painting is like therapy, its like a helpful diversion. I think of the past few days and all the changes that it has brought to my daily routine. I had not gone for a dinner, nor fought for anyone like I fought for Evelyn's respect, nor devised plans to find someone and teach them a lesson in such long long time. All I did was house office house, working like a robot, no feelings no empathy.