Summary:
This One Made Me Cry Writing This 😐
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It's a tough pill to swallow, knowing the end is closer than you think.
You have stared death in the face multiple times over.
Dying doesn't scare you.
You've lived a wonderful life, you've made friends... You found love.
So, why does the news leave an ache in your chest that makes you breathless and dizzy?
You had asked Laswell to be pulled from this mission... You had been sick for the better part of a few weeks and didn't want to become a liability to your team or become worse overseas.
She understood and allowed it.
But Alex...
Oh, your sweet and wonderful husband...
He was at war with himself...
Your health had been on the decline within the last week, and he was becoming increasingly worried as the days went on.
You had become pale...
You couldn't stomach the idea of food, much less water...
Getting up was a chore.
Your body ached in ways you had never felt.
Alex tried to stay behind... But Laswell needed him.
The team needed him.
You had told him not to worry, it was probably a good case of the flu, and you'll be back to normal before his arrival.
Alex took your word for it.
He had sealed his promise to see you soon, with a kiss...
Cancer...
It's the word, no one wants to hear...
Yet, when you had gone to see the doctor... They had grown worried as they took a listen to your lungs.
Tests had shown, it was a silent kind of killer... It sneaks up on you and catches you when you least expect it.
They had offered you, a series of options in order to prolong life...
But all you can hear is Alex's laughter, as it hums through your mind.
Without treatment, you had mere weeks... The cancer had spread beyond simple surgery...
Without treatment, they can just make you comfortable...
And even though you could see their lips moving, as words tumble out with medical nonsense, and even though you should be listening...
You were suddenly scared...
It's the kind of scared, that makes you question everything... That makes you wonder where life went wrong.
Did you fight the good fight?
Did you love those who needed to be loved?
You weren't a person of faith, but right now you were cursing at God...
You didn't want to leave.
But time had stolen away what life had given you.
You just wonder... If you'll get to see him...
-
You had told Laswell... She is broken by the news, having grown fond of you like a sibling, she didn't know she needed...
You asked her the impossible...
"Can you bring Alex home? Even if it's for a moment... I..."
She granted it without question, pulling every string she could in order to make things right...
He would home within a week...
Time is against you...
Time has a hold on you...
-
Your hospital room is comfortable... You were allowed to open the windows, as the fresh spring morning had called for sun and clear skies.
You missed being outside...
So, they bring the outside to you...
Kate visits you often... Helping out with anything she can... You were on borrowed time, and had never truly prepared for your own death...
She had told you; Alex would be arriving today... He didn't know anything, just that it was urgent.
It's lunch time, by the time you hear his footsteps...
You feel the flutter in your heart, as your eyes are glued to the doorframe...
He is breathtaking...
It reminds you of moments where life seemed like a daydream...
Where you and Alex had promised each other silly childlike wonders...
"I got here as soon as I could," Alex tries to calm his breathing, as he enters the room, moving to your side.
"How are you feeling, sweetheart?" He strokes your hair from your face.
You smile into his touch, "I'm okay, now that you are here... I've missed you," you try to mask the hitch in your voice, but seeing him, makes this reality all too real...
"What's going on?" He takes a seat, sliding close to your bedside as he seeks out your hand, pressing soft, tender kisses to your knuckles.
You stare at your husband, in all his glory... And realize it.
You were leaving him...
You were leaving the man you loved...
You feel the acid rolling around in your belly, as tears touch your eyes...
"Sweetheart?"
You were never one to sugar coat anything... So, you decide to bite the bullet.
"It's cancer, Alex..."
"Mr. Keller," a voice enters your room, as your doctor stands at the door, "Perhaps, we should explain everything..."
Alex doesn't leave your side, as he listens to the doctors.
You try to stay focused on the conversation, but your eyes wonder over to your husband...
You want to remember each detail of him... From the scar on his nose, to each freckle that the sun gave him...
You want to remember his voice...
You want to remember it all.
"What about chemo?" Your husband questions.
"Your partner has refused any and all treatments... The cancer is too far advanced, that in the end, chemo, radiation, and surgery would do them more harm than good... We've been able to make them as comfortable as possible... Right now, they are on borrowed time..."
-
That night, you and Alex had talked... About anything and everything...
But you're getting tired, the effects of the medicine make you sleepy and dizzy.
"It was always supposed to be me and you," Alex pulls your hand to his lips, you can feel the quiver in his body, as cries rattle through him.
You want to comfort him, but your body refuses to move.
You cup his face, needing to his eyes, "It will always be me and you... In this life, and every life after... I know I'll always find you, and I'll always love you. This isn't good-bye... I promise, I'll see you soon."
"And I love you... Always have and always will."
Lifting himself from the chair, he presses his lips to yours, trying to burn your taste to memory...
"I'll always love you..."
-
"Alex," Laswell calls out to the agent, hoping to catch him before he is sent off to finish the mission.
"Laswell."
She stands in front of her agent, letter in hand, "She asked me to give this to you when the time was right..."
Alex,
Funny... I was never one for writing letters, yet here I am... Needing to give you, words I could never say...
I love you... You were and always will be the best part of me, and I am thankful for the life we got to share. Promise me, something okay?
You won't cry over me... You'll fight for me... For us. You have so much life ahead of you... So, you need to fight... You have a war ahead of you, and even though I wish I could be there beside you, I ask that you take my name and carry on...
I want you to live... I want you to love again, and I want you to laugh again... God, how I miss hearing you laugh... I want you to have a family, and grow old... But keep me locked away and safe...
And when the time is right, and there is no more wars to be fought... Come and find me... You know where I'll be...
It's peaceful, and beautiful, untouched by the evils in this world... It's where I'll wait for you, with open arms...
It's where our love can grow and where we can rest...
So, keep fighting and live... I promise I'll be here...
Come seek me out, in the field of wildflowers...
Yours, forever and always.
