Crestfallen [COMPLETED]

ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ - 20

Joanna

I'm in my cabin, my fingers grazing over the files on the rack.

My hand closes around a particular file, and my heart sinks as I recognize it-the abortion form.

It's attached to the sonography picture of my baby, only three months old, in my belly at the time. So small, innocent, and now forever lost to me.

I lower myself to the ground, the weight of the memories overwhelming.

I stare at that picture, my vision blurred by the tears that streak down my face. The child that never got a chance to be born, to take its first breath, to wrap its tiny fingers around mine.

The child I had to give up because Alex needed me more. A choice that haunts me, the pain of it etched deep within my heart.

The image of that ultrasound tugs at my emotions, my mind flashing back to the time when that tiny life existed within me.

If I hadn't aborted the baby, it would have been in this world now, breathing, growing, and experiencing life.

The what-ifs torment me, each one a dagger to my soul.

My grip tightens on the picture, as if I can somehow hold onto the memory of what could have been.

I remember Alex's words-the cruel, cutting words that still echo in my mind.

"You would have made a bad mother anyway," he had said, his voice filled with disdain. And then he had walked away, leaving me shattered and broken, my self-worth torn apart.

I bury my face in my hands, the tears falling freely now. It's a reminder of my pain, my guilt, my regret.

Maybe he was right. Maybe I would have been a terrible mother. Maybe I deserved this punishment. Maybe I am not good enough.

The room feels suffocating, filled with the weight of my grief.

In this moment of raw vulnerability, I let the tears flow, allowing myself to grieve for the child I never got to hold.

I sit there, surrounded by the silence of my thoughts.
I wonder if there's a way to mend what's been broken in me.

To find a way back to the person I used to be before this endless cycle of suffering took over my life.

.............................................................

I click on Alex's number. I scroll through endless messages from my end.

Hey, are you coming home early tonight?
Can we talk.
I think we should settle down our issues like adults.
ALEX???
I can't put this out of my mind. Listen to me atleast.
This is too much. Call me.

It's been a while since then. I scroll down and it's neverending. Somewhere down it pains me to see him pay no heed to my messages. Somewhere deep down I am too numb to feel anything at all.

My fingers stop as my fingers linger on the last text he sent me. The last time we chatted like we loved.

I miss you like crazy, Jo. will see you at home soon baby : )

Something tugs at my heart then, familiar voice conjures up in my head, him saying this to me. Reminiscing that day. That protective pull of his as he hugs me, his breath on my hair. All of it too distant now.

I wait for the tears to form, to tear me down, but they don't. For the better perhaps.

He forgot my birthday, it's okay, it's not like I was expecting a message or a call even still I just . . . .