Crestfallen [COMPLETED]

ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ - 28

Alex

I had said the cruelest things to Joanna.
Had offered her nothing but my indifference, all these months.

I had wanted to hurt her for aborting the baby. For never sharing the news from me.

A dark part of me still longed for the misery, that had enveloped upon us accidentally.

And I had gone too far.

But it had hurt me too.
To stay away from her. To watch her tortured expression, her tears, her shaking body at my denial.

To watch her, turn away from me.
To stop fighting for us.

She had stopped trying somewhere midway. As if she was too tired.

I had hurt Jo.

I want to reinstate that lost faith now. That lost easiness we shared.

To tell her that, she still matters.

That's she's the only woman in my life. And the only woman I want.

Accepting the work party's invitation, was one way out.

We don't even run into each other these days.

The only time I am aware of her presence is when the bed slumps beside me, later at night.

And she's always gone, at the wake of the dawn. As if she didn't lay beside me, there overnight.

I shake my head, pulling away from my thoughts, reminding myself, that I am in the same party.

Casual conversation churns around me and I nod mindlessly.

My gaze drifting back to Joanna.

She laughs, and her smiles echoing with the people around her. And my heart lurches at seeing her like that.

Pretending. Playing the part.

Just because I asked her too.
I feel guilty for being selfish, for bringing her here.

I wish she spoke. She disapproved. Dissented. Asked me to stop showing her off around.

But she expresses nothing.

And her silence scares me.

I walk over to where she is, my hand reaching to rest on her waist.

Joanna looks at me, taken by surprise at that but then she fixes her expression, smiling widely at me.

"Dance with me?" I ask my wife extending my hand towards her.

Our friends watch and coo, in admiration.

They always have. For them we have been the picture perfect couple.

They still believe, we are going strong.

I notice the dissaproval in Joanna's gaze, but she quickly covers it up feigning wonder.

"Why not, darling?," she puts her palm on mine and we walk over to the dance floor in the centre.

She stands there stiff and distracted, until I put her hand on my shoulder, and reach for her waist.

The slow music fills the room. It's hard hitting notes tugging at my chest.

I pull Joanna closer, and our eyes lock. Longing fills me. As we dance.

And the starry sky intensifies it infinitesimally.

Sending me back to that perfect night.
Memories of that night hog me.

When we danced for the first time.

When I leaned in and kissed her because I couldn't hold back anymore.

The girl from the train had seized my attention since the first sight.

And I could never truly gain it back.

We were so young then. Uncertainty looming in our lives.
Yet somehow, looking back, it all seems perfect.

And now, years later, we are here, again, married, together and yet unhappy.

My grip tightens on Joanna, touching as much as I can. This is the only time I am allowed to

My eyes drift to her lips.

She looks stunning tonight, but it's her dark wild hair.
The way it frames her face perfectly.

It has always driven me crazy.

I lean in closer, making my intentions clear. I want nothing more in this moment, but to kiss her.

It's been forever, since I have touched her.

I lean, my mouth nearing hers, and just when I am about to brush, it against hers, she turns her head.

Looking away, at
somewhere distant.

Rejections strikes me hard, like a scratched wound reopening and bleeding.

Rejection and crushing dissapointment of being denied.

The dance ends and she excuses herself, heading towards the washroom.

I watch her retreating figure. As pain sears through me. I was so close to claiming her lips.

But she denied me.

This is how it feels to be rejected.
This is how she felt, when I broke her every single time.

I understand it now, my jaw clenches tight.

I had truly pushed her away, and she had taken the cue. Accepted it.

Realization hits me like a ton of bricks, that I am losing my wife.