Hanahaki disease AUs || Oneshots

7 - Merlin x reader - I Don't Get Sleep

This chapter is based off and written around Naethan Apollo's song I Don't Get Sleep, go listen to Tales From Cazilor (the album) (listen to it in order, it's a story and it's amazing!!)

Butterfly weed also has a lot of positive meanings but you'll see why I picked these hehe (sorry)

Also I once again want to sincerely apologise to Jeske

Butterfly weed: leave me; you've been warned; loneliness

Characters:
-Merlin, young adult male (BBC Merlin, TV series)
-Reader, young adult female (Merlin's best friend, you also live with Gaius)

Genre: Angst/Songfic

Not requested

Warnings:
Blood (a bloody lot of it) (pun intended)
Choking
Crying
Death
Gaslighting
Gore
Guilt tripping
Hallucinating
Intrusive thoughts
Kidnapping
Kissing
Murder
Swearing
Torture
Violence
Weapons

'No witnesses. No survivors.'
&
'I pulled away and told him I was fine. I was, in fact, planning to murder him.'
&
"You're crazy! You've actually gone insane! "
|
"Me? Insane? That was just the beginning."

6k+ words in one chapter, remember to take breaks

1st person's POV (Reader)

*sigh* Hello

I huffed and placed my hands under my head, the books around me creating a sea of text in several languages. Small petals littered across the pages, like orange specs in my peripheral vision. Candlelight created a golden glow across the offwhite pages. I got up to grab a bag so I could gather herbs for Gaius, which I was supposed to have done earlier today. Tomorrow I'd have to help Merlin clean up Arthur's room, and then I had to clean the bedroom Merlin and I shared. And the day after that Merlin wanted me to join him on some dumb quest to figure out a new druid language he'd discovered and I had to finish a potion for Percival since Gaius was gone for a few weeks. I gathered my things and wanted to walk out of the door, listing everything I still had to do.

Life moves too fast, I'll rest when I'm dead
But nothing ever moves faster than the thoughts in my head

My eye landed on a page of one of the open books on the table. I already knew I had Hanahaki Disease and I also knew it was because of Merlin, but this was something I hadn't read before. I dropped the bag and picked up the book while walking around to calm my nerves.

I think all night, now I'm pacing again
Like I'm afraid of my bed, so now I'm running away

Merlin walked out of our room, rubbing his eyes.
 'Why are you awake?'
I slammed the book shut and put it on the table quickly. With the move I accidentally extinguished the two candles, leaving Merlin and me in complete darkness.

Off to fix another mistake
Whatever that may be, I'ma make it okay

 'I forgot to get some ingredients while I was restocking,' I smiled into the dark. Why would I even smile, it was pitch black. Stupid. I took a match and relit the candles. The words I had just read echoed in my head. Kill the one you desire. If they do not exist, you cannot love them. I wasn't sure that would work, but I was getting desperate. I shuffled around slightly, unsure of what to say. Merlin yawned and scratched his chin.
 'Do you need any help with that?'
 'Oh, no, thank you,' I quickly said, 'it's fine. It's not much anyway!' I grabbed the bag from the floor and turned before rushing out.