Hanahaki disease AUs || Oneshots

7.2 - Merlin x reader - I Don't Get Sleep

I met Gwen on the roof. The moon wasn't bright, barely more than a sliver. Gwen walked towards me, while I smiled at her. Her face had traces of worry in it.
'Is everything okay?' I asked. She shook her head.
'No, I'm worried about you. What is going on?' The question had me slightly shook. I couldn't just outright tell her that I was nervous because I just killed two men. Besides, I wanted to trust Gwen, but after how she dropped Morgana...

I move smart and I am careful who I trust

I waited for a second, letting the wind take over the conversation. Then I straightened my back.
'I don't know what you're talking about. I was a bit nervous with that killer running around, but Merlin promised me he'd protect me.'
'If you're so worried about the murderer, why did you meet me, alone, in the middle of the night?'
'Because I know you're not the killer.' My face hardened slightly.
'How do you know I'm not the murderer?'

'I don't think a woman can do that. Well, except Morgana.'
'Wait, that's brilliant! This is probably one of Morgana's plans again! I'll go tell Arthur straight away, thank you!' Gwen rushed of. Dumbass. I waited a little while and then went to my room, but not before collapsing on the roof and coughing out more and more petals. I wouldn't have much longer left, I needed to hurry up and comply to Morgana's orders.

The next morning I got out of bed and grabbed some paper. I needed to structure this, or else it could fail massively. I didn't trust myself to get away with it, but that'd be fine. I'd just move away from Camelot after I was done. I know I succeeded in killing Gwaine and Percival, but I'm not sure I can kill someone else without raising suspicion.

I plot and plan, take a chance, but never count on luck

I had written down my plans and once I saw it all written down and structured, I burnt the papers. Now I knew what I wanted and how, so I couldn't leave evidence. I had to get Merlin alone, that'd be the most important part.

Time skip brought to you by Naethan Apollo

Now was my chance. Arthur was out hunting, Gwen was fixing paperwork and the knights were on patrol or training. I tried to walk towards Merlin, but I couldn't. My breath hitched and my feet felt so heavy, I wondered if I would sink into the floor. I took an unsteady breath and turned around.

So why do I feel stuck?
(Are you even trying?)

Why can't I do it? Why can't I step up to him, get us alone, and kill him? Why can't I-
'Are you okay?' Merlin whispered from his bed in our shared room.
'I'm fine, just can't sleep,' I whispered back.

I don't get sleep, I'm too far gone

I turned around so my back was facing him. A thick silence crept around us, the start of a sentence running through Merlin's mouth yet never leaving it. I didn't say anything, neither did he. The silence screamed to be broken, Merlin wanted to ask me things, say things, maybe even share some of his own feelings about the recent killings. After a while I heard his breath become slower, signalling that he had given up on conversing and was asleep now. I tried to get some sleep as well, but the thoughts made me restless and it was as if I was fighting myself in my mind.

The next morning I dragged myself out of bed. I'd barely had any sleep. The potion I was trying to make failed miserably. The text I tried to copy looked wonky and fell off the lines. I barely had the energy to lift my hand to eat.

Don't even got the energy to write this song
So la-da-di-da-di-da-di-dum
Da-da-dum, da-da-dum, dum-dum

Merlin noticed. He always does.

I tried to walk away from him time and time again, but when I tried to leave the room as soon as I spotted him, I felt a hand grab my wrist. I didn't turn around. He didn't let go of my hand. Tears were threatening to slip down my face, why did I love his touch this much? Could I ever get myself to kill him? Morgana said I need to, but what if she was wrong?
'Come on, Y/n, talk to me. You're like my sister, I'm worried about you.' Never mind. He saw me as his sister, so he could never love me. Never mind, never love, never enough. When he pulled me closer to him I pulled my face away from him.
'Look at me,' he said, his voice gentle yet forceful. I looked him in the eyes, salty drops slowly rolling down my cheeks.
'Oh, darling,' he whispered.