h̶u̶g̶s̶ a̶n̶d̶ kisses

twenty-first; are you really sorry?

all day long i couldn't stop staring at the note star had left. she is aware about the fact that i still love her.

if she cares so much for me, why didn't she say something?

i look at the clock and back to the note.

my brain had built a dilemma. should i go to her house? should i talk to her about everything?

i sigh and get up, putting the note carefully into my pocket.

i turn off the lights and walk out of the house. i'll just watch the star watch the stars.

carefully i take each step, each step fills with insurance. once or twice i even stop in my steps and look in front of me, as if there was something i needed to walk up to.

with difficulty i stand against the wall, opposite of her house. i don't dare to look up, but i have to.

i came all this way for this.

i look up and see her leaning against the windowsill, her long silky hair is falling out of the window. the autumn breeze that makes her hair fly.

i smile and look up. suddenly i feel at ease. i feel relieved from all the pain and thoughts.

as if she was hugging me.

i stop smiling when i see two hands next to her. soon or later i recognise his face. heeseung.

he is awfully close to her face. and she won't even push him away...?

she didn't push him away but even put her hands on his collar. i watch them and immediately feel the ache in my chest. why does it physically hurt?

i watch heeseung jump off her window and i hide behind the wall.

i don't think twice and walk back home. so this is how she felt

i feel something wet on my cheek as i look up. it wasn't the rain, no. it was my left eye. i stopped on the road again, letting myself fall on the ground.

why am i feeling like this? i don't even have a reason to feel.

☾︎✵☽︎

i drop by at the pharmacy before i meet jake. my visit may be unexpected, but i know he doesn't mind.

i hesitate before ringing the bell, going through everything i want to say in my head.

after encouraging myself i ring the bell and immediately the scent of delicious food welcomes me.

"heeseung! i haven't seen you in a while. come in," the maid smiles at me. "hey aunty, are you doing well?" she follows me, taking my jacket as she shakes her head.

"no, jake has already given me my termination," she says sadly. we were still standing in the hallway when i sighed.

"don't worry i will send you money every month," i wink at her as she laughs. her laughs always feel so nostalgic. as if it was my own mother.

she hits me a little and walks ahead, "will you adopt me." the empty house is filled with our laughters and optimistic words.

until we stop in front of jake's room. "lunch will be ready in fifteen minutes," is the last thing the old lady says to me before i knock on the door.

"can i come in," i ask, opening the door slightly. i hear jake sighing as he looks up to me. "you're already in," he remarks.

"i brought ointment." i sit on his bed. jake was sitting on the floor, next to his closet. he was already packing his clothes into boxes.

"i don't need it from you. take it yourself," he doesn't even care to look at me. just like his expression, his voice sounded so......emotionalless.

i sigh before i slide the box away and sit down in front of him. i sit cross legged in front of him, yet he doesn't look at me. instead he puts away the clothes.

"you can look at me, i know you're mad," i open the bag and wait for jake to look at me.

it takes him a few minutes. after he rubs his eyes, he looks at me.

i smile at him, looking him in the eyes, "i am sorry," i put a little ointment on my pointer finger as i hold up his head by his chin.

"i am sorry for butting into your relationship with that bitch," i tap on the little wound that still has dried blood on it, "i am sorry for hitting you," i tap again, "and mostly i am sorry for not saying sorry sooner."

jake silently looks at me. i wipe off the excesses of the ointment on my finger and look at him with hope.

we hold an eye contact for at least a minute before jake breaks it. still he doesn't say anything and just sighs, looking at the clothes again.

will you ignore me forever? my smile drops just like my shoulders do.

☾︎✵☽︎

are you really sorry? if you were sorry you shouldn't have seen her last night. you should've visited me instead of her.

my eyes get a little teary again. my vision blurs again. i sigh and stop touching the clothes.

"are you," i start talking as he smiles at me again, "are you really sorry?"

heeseung's smile drops as he tilts his head. he breathes in sharply, "if i wasn't sorry, i wouldn't have visited you," he smiles.

i shake my head, "you love her, don't you." i take the box he slid away earlier and throw in the clothing pieces.

"are you leaving earlier? or why are you already packing up your clothes and why did you give her her termination already?" heeseung ignores my question and bombs me with these questions.

"i asked first." i glance over to him. he was still sitting crossed legged in front of me.

"touché," heeseung sighs, "what if i tell you i love her?" i freeze in my position. the clothes fall from my hands and i look at them fall.

i knew it from the beginning, but hearing it from himself. it just felt... different.

"answer me now, why are you packing up already?"

i take a few minutes to realise what he had said. but why does it hurt? not mentally but also physically?

"i am leaving earlier," i look at heeseung as i get up, "i don't find any reason to still stay here."

i flash him a smile as his brows crash together, "what do you mean? we wanted to celebrate your birthday together."

i shake my head and open the door for him.