h̶u̶g̶s̶ a̶n̶d̶ kisses

thirty-eighth; second chance romance

ina sees the book at my bedside, "what's that for a book?" she asks surprised. i have never really liked books. i hated reading. it never made sense to me. how can somebody read about something that is completely unrealistic? and even enjoy it?

"oh, nahyun recommended that to me. it's a second chance romance," i get up from my seat and sit on the edge of the bed. ina looks at me, maybe waiting for me to explain more about the book.

"it's so stupid you should never read it. because why does the male character think it's totally normal to apologize, after abandoning the female character for years, not giving her a chance to explain herself and everything will be normal again? it's like all the hurt feelings that girl felt were never valid. why does he think that if he says "sorry" for once, the shattered heart will suddenly heal and all the time she tried to heal from him was wasted?!" after i rattle down what i think, i take a deep breath.

"what? why are you looking at me like i'm a fucking weirdo?" i brush my hand through my hair, realizing i was no longer sitting on the bed.

ina shuts the book slowly again as i sit down. she exhales deeply, looking at me dead in the eyes, before asking, "this isn't about the book is it?"

and in that moment i curse the universe for making me as an opened book, which can be read so easily.

i sigh, feeling defeated. "what happened?" she asks slowly, scared to hurt me.

"i saw him the other night. at the hotel," my waterline fills itself again, "he was the one who booked the room. he saw me. and shiwang. and he apologized. and he tried have some time with shiwang,"

ina takes a second before she gets up and lets me rest my head on her stomach. she strokes my arm, trying to calm me down. „the sad part is, shiwang immediately ran to him. she never does that to somebody. i feel like i'm taking something away from her," i snivel, fighting the urge to scream and cry out loud.

shiwang crawls over to me, laying her head on me. i start stroking her hair, sad that i can't talk to her. if i could talk to her in whole sentences, i would ask her if it is important for her to have a dad in her life. in her childhood. i would ask her if it's okay to not have one.

„you're not. she never knew him. for her it was just stranger, stretching out to hold her. she doesn't know it's her dad. it's okay. i'm pretty sure the way you acted was completely normal and no one would hate you for that. especially your daughter." ina tries to comfort me with words this time.

but i only look at her, „i told him shiwang doesn't deserve a dad like him." ina shuts her eyes. nodding afterwards.

„okay maybe, he will not like you that much now. but i'm pretty sure he still likes you. because he apologized," i raise my eyebrows in response.

„you're like the book. just because he apologizes doesn't mean i have to forgive and give him what he wants. he still left me all alone because of what he thought what happened. he never really wanted an explanation. he never really asked for me," i shed tears again, still stroking shiwangs little hair.

☾︎✵☽︎

i sat in my car for too long. i cried for too long. i was hurting for too long.

holding shiwang in my arms. i couldn't let go. i didn't want to let go. i wanted to always stay with her. in my arms. watching her grow. but i couldn't. i wasn't allowed to.

i don't actually blame byeol for it. i'd do it too, but it still hurt.

i still park in heeseungs drive through. how long has it been since i arrived? probably more than an hour. heeseung comes out with some trash bags and sees me in my car. it's so dark, thank god he doesn't see my soaked sleeves and my wet cheeks.

he knocks on my window, „why are you sitting in here? come inside," he offers after i roll down the windows.

„i'll be right there," i tell him and roll my windows up again. he continues throwing out the trash and starts sorting it.

why would you sort your trash?