h̶u̶g̶s̶ a̶n̶d̶ kisses

thirty-first; you won't do the same

➳ 3rd year highschool

i didn't think he would agree to meet me again. i hesitate and look at the test again. it feels odd. i don't feel anything and i don't see anything. it's just there. positive on every strip.

i went to the doctors a few days ago. ina helped me go through all of that. as we sat there, waiting for our turn, she grabbed my shaking thigh and smiled at me. "byeol, you know yourself what's the best and i love you so much, don't worry, we'll get through this together," ina spoke softly. everytime her soft voice helped me through the biggest panic ever.

i pick it up, about to slide into my bag. i walk out of the room but come back seconds later just to place it under my pillow.

as i tiptoe my way outside i think about the call.

it was my twentieth time this week. i tried to call him. i somehow accepted my fate, but it didn't leave me yet. i wanted to see him again, i wanted to look him in the eyes again. maybe drink a coffee or eat chinese food.
the only hope that put me together was a change of heart to stay again.

i imagined out all the possible things he would say to me. all the things i would say to him. if he begged for forgiveness, would i let him stay? if he told me i'm the worst thing he ever held onto, would i throw my drink on him?

i hear the ringing stop as my eyes light up, "jake? jake please answer." i hear a sigh on the other line following with the words, "what do you want, byeol? do i really need to block you?"

and just like that the light in my eyes burns out like a hurricane does to a candle. i stay quiet, holding back the tears. i try to gulp down the lump in my throat.
"jake," my call sounds more like a whisper, "what happened? why are you like this?" i ask him.

he clicks his tongue, "stop calling me," i can hear him about to hang up but i scream and make him wait, "wait! please, talk to me for a second. please can we meet?" i hated myself for sounding like a beg. i was desperate in the first place anyway.

i don't hear anything on the other side, making me doubt, whether he hung up on me.

"fine. i'll see you at twelve tomorrow," just like that he hangs up. twelve tomorrow? where does he want me to be at? i hold the phone between my chest, crying tear of joy as i feel my heart breaking in pieces again.

i walk towards the han river. it's almost twelve. i checked the hotel already but there was no room booked, so i walked back. but he was nowhere to find. i walk in circles as i realize the one place we always went to.

i rush my way there, scared he will go back home if i am one minute late. with a panting chest and heavy breathing i swing the door open. i look at the table and there he is. my heart stops beating as i see his cap lowered, his eyes glued on his phone. he's here. he waited.

i try to control my breathing as i go through my hair and sit across him. i probably scared him with my eye bags and pale skin. one week and you still don't give me peace.

he looks up from his phone as soon as i sit down. as if he sensed it he puts it on the table, display facing down.
i watch the scene unfold in front of me. he looks at me, eyes moving up and down, left and right.

i gulp also analyzing his face. he didn't look bad. he seemed fine. i nod as i realize his red tinted eyes.

"jake," i don't continue. i don't know what i should say. he seems like he expected me to say something but i shut down as soon as i call out his name.

"byeol, why?" i get surprised by his sudden voice. "i gave you all i had, why did you toss it in the trash? to give me all your love is all i ever asked." he looks at me and finally i see a glimpse of pain in his eyes. i feel it. i know it. it hurts him just the same way it's hurting me.

"jake, you know i would catch a grenade for you, i would throw my hand on a blade for you and yet you still doubt me. does that even make sense? what is wrong with you?" who hurt you?

jake shakes his head as if he isn't allowing my words to sit on him. however, i continue. that's the only thing i can do, beg for his love. "you know so damn well that i would die for you and i would throw myself on a train for you. i would go through all this pain for you and take a fucking bullet straight through my brain. just for you." i realize i get louder each sentence i speak.

"and you won't do the same." he looks at me as i spit out the words. i make a move to leave but before i can even get up. jake stops me, "should've known you were trouble from the first kiss, i had your eyes wide open. why were they open when you're fucking innocent?"

i want to turn around and beg again, but i feel a sickness in my belly, i feel a stinginess in my head, i feel a rush of burning in my chest, as i shake my head and walk away.

but as soon as the door closes behind me i cry, i cry so loudly i'm scared he will hear me.

i would die for you, but you won't do the same.

you'd never do the same.