h̶u̶g̶s̶ a̶n̶d̶ kisses

thirty-seventh; it's mine.

as soon as heeseung drives off i take the keys to my car. i look at the picture again. not knowing what i am feeling.

it's the moment where everything i feel is just a pounding in my chest, making it hard for me to not feel anxious.

i look at her in byeol's arms. is this really mine?

it doesn't make a single bit of sense. we broke up in spring two years ago and this child isn't even one year old. she must've gotten pregnant after that. so it can't be mine. i realize i am tearing up as i see the tears drip down on the picture. i take out my phone, desperately looking for her number.

my star.

i tap on the contact information. i hesitate. i don't even know what to say. i don't even now what i would do when it's true.

i click on the number and place the phone to my ear. it doesn't even ring and i get connected with an automatic voice.

"this number has disconnected, please try again," i exhale deeply, gripping the wheel.

i don't waste a second and drive to the hotel.

"hey, i'd like to cancel my booking," i look at the familiar man at the reception. "jake, you do now you have to pay extra fee." he says.

"yes, i know, just cancel both nights." he nods and looks at the man next to him. "hey, tell that woman the room is available again." the kind of younger man looks at us, nodding, "ms. jang?" mr. kang gives me a side eye as he sighs, "yes, idiot, who else wanted that room."

it itches in my throat. "do you mean," i stop mumbling as soon as he looks at me. "sorry i can't tell you. customer privacy." i sigh nodding, "of course." i lean to the reception table and see a tiny girl waddeling around. "shiwang," i hear as i search for the voice.

who would call their kid like that? that's a quite unique name.

i thought only i am weird for wanting to name my kid that.

"ms. jang," the younger worker from earlier calls out, as she agrees. i look over and i feel like my heart missed a beat. "fuck," i mumble.

her hair is longer, hiding her face, the girl that was running around earlier is now attached to her hand. "it was her, jonghyeon." i mumble to mr. kang, the friend i made over the years after always crashing here.

i still look at her as she thanks the man. "jake? jake? fucking focus," jonghyeon slightly pushes me, making me come back to my senses.

i look down to the toddler. shiwang? i mumble her name. she is already looking at me when i get down on the knees, stretching out my hands a little.

there is a possibility byeol hasn't seen me yet. i try my best to hide. but shiwang makes it hard for me to remain invisible. she runs off her mom's side as soon as byeol starts to fill out some forms.

"hello princess," i call out. she hugs me and lets go quick to look at me. my eyes widen a bit when i see her face, her eyes, and her lips. she is mine. she looks just like me when i was younger, just with long hair and a lavender dress.

"shiwang! stranger danger," byeol calls out. our eyes meet before she slows down in her steps.

shiwang is innocently placing a finger in her mouth, clinging onto me. byeol doesn't break the contact while saying „excuse me doyeon i have to get her." when she finally kneels in front of me, stretching her hands out for shiwang, she answers with a no, turning in my arms.

i clear my throat, „sorry, i didn't know she would," she sighs as i stumble over my words, „why would you in the first place? she doesn't know you," she rubs the pain on me.

„byeol," i look at her as soon as she gets up, about to pick shiwang up again. i take shiwang in my arms and a also get up, „is she really," i don't have the guts to finish my sentence.

byeol forces some tears away. it's crazy how we are standing next to each other, not trying to run away, not trying to ignore each other completely.

but my heart was about to jump out. my knees were jelly.

she was so pretty.

☾︎✵☽︎

i try my best to not cry. not here. not now. i close my eyes to push the tears away. an almost invisible nod follows. i sniffle before opening my eyes again and looking at him.

he looked so chill about this situation right now. as if he doesn't even really care. how can he?

„what do you think?" i ask him as jake sighs. shiwang is almost sleeping in his arms, on his shoulder.

could she sense it? did she sense it?

„it doesn't make sense to me," he confesses, stroking her hair, „when did you get pregnant?" his tone suddenly changes. he's quiter now.

„jake, i don't need to explain anything to you," i sigh, pushing my hair back.

„why? clearly i am apart of this family." his grip around shiwang gets tighter.

„byeol, please, explain it to me. i am sorry, for leaving you in that situation," he makes it look like it's the worse situation a person can be in.

i was. that's true what he was trying to say. but it hurt. he made it look like shiwang was too hard to get. too hard to raise.

„i don't think so," i answer. „what?," he asks. when i try to step closer, to get her from his arms, he steps back, holding her tighter.

„i am sorry." he takes quick actions as i exhale, „i am really sorry. i would've never let you go through this alone, please." he partially begs for forgiveness.

„i don't think you are a part of this family, because she doesn't deserve to have a dad like you, let alone a husband for me." i finally say it.

i kind of regret it in the end when i take her away from him and he keeps looking down to her. tears form in his eyes as he keeps on switching looks between her face and mine.

as we stand there silently looking at each other, trying not to cry. trying not to make a dramatic scene. he nods.
jake nods and walks away, without turning back again.

i stand alone in the entrance of the hotel, shiwang sleeping in my arms and a whole emotional rollercoaster almost breaking out.

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

︀︀︀︀︀☾︎a/n☽︎

hi! long time no see. 🫣