The Shadow That Smiled At Me

Chapter nine

I haven't seen Samael for half a year. I simply avoided him again, for no reason. I don't know why I do it. But I'm sure he's watching me from the shadows. Maybe it just scared me a little. How he knew about those drawings and how I feel about him. I can't control myself around him at all. He has access to my unfiltered personality. It scares me. In front of him, I shed the dozens of layers of false self that I have built up during my life and only the pure form of me remains.

No one should look behind that curtain. A disillusioned performance in front of it is intended for the audience. What is happening behind it, no one must know. The game is meant to distract. And he got too close.

Maybe I just haven't come to terms with it yet, with everything that's going on in my life. I'm not crazy. And maybe I somehow still couldn't believe it. It seemed like a dream. Maybe I still haven't convinced myself that I'm not crazy. That's why I had to constantly repeat it to myself.

"I'm not crazy."

"I'm not crazy."

"I'm not crazy."

I still haven't found the escape door from Samael's world. However, I have to admit that I may have stopped looking a little bit and just wandered through the constantly changing corridors of his residence, the castle, even if he claims otherwise.

However, I managed to overcome the fatigue from the sleepless nights. It wasn't intentional, it was a happy accident. One night I crawled into one of the dozens of bedrooms there. It was bigger and grander than any bedroom I had ever seen or imagined. The room was dominated by a huge four-poster bed. Its pillars were richly carved and gilded. I ran my fingers over them, tracing every detail. The bed looked so comfortable and I was so tired. I crawled into it and wrapped myself in the blankets like a butterfly in a cocoon. The sleeping area was spacious, so I could spread out, it could fit five other people.

I didn't even realize how sleepy I was until I laid down and let my heavy eyelids win. This time I fell into a real dreamland. I didn't dream, but I did. Great and deep darkness.

I woke up in the morning in my bed, in our house in LA. I opened my eyes to the sharp rays of the sun stinging my face and was surprisingly no more tired than the time I took refuge in those blankets. I felt fresh and full of energy. Although the dark circles under the eyes have not disappeared, I am sure that this will also change as the days pass.

I deliberately tested the success of that night with further attempts and found that it worked. If Samael's world isn't an illusion or a dream and I'm crazy, that means I can sleep there too. Although I'm not as tired from there as if I stayed up all night in my world - it sounds strange to call it like that, but I don't know what else to call it - but I still need sleep. I would probably die of exhaustion in no time. And so every time I find myself there, I lie down in one of the magnificent king-sized beds and allow myself to rest there.

Another reason why I haven't seen Samael for so long.

And so every night, when I found myself in Samael's world, I would sneak into one of the bedrooms and take back what my own mind had happily deprived me of. Very quickly my life returned to its old ways. I was full of life again, energy coursing through my veins. The broken walls of my mind gained strength.

The game could continue.

Vincent was glad, Jessica doubly so, that I got out of my dark period. How desperate that they noticed it. And how terrible, how close I let them to me that they even had a chance to notice. Honestly, I'm also glad to be back in social life. The perfect daughter. The perfect girlfriend. Whatever my heart says, I'm not ready to let the pretense go. Without my masks, I have no idea who I am.