The Shadow That Smiled At Me

Chapter thirty three

"Arya...... Arya....... Arya........" I heard that call once again. That voice inside me wound through the darkness, like an echo in an ancient cathedral, it carried through the space.

"Arya....... Arya...... Arya........" it called me.

Today is my nineteenth birthday. Today is exactly three years since Samael saved me. Three years since we met.

"Arya...... Arya....... Arya........" my soul was calling me to what I longed for. I followed the inviting voice calling my name. "Arya....... Arya....... Arya........"

I was standing on a high cliff. Thousands of stars shone like diamonds in the pitch-black sky. High above the distant horizon hovered the crescent moon, its bright glow reflected on the surface of the water. A cool breeze was blowing from the sea. I could taste the salt air on my lips. The sound of wild, crashing waves hitting the rocks reached my ears. The beauty of melancholy dug into my skin and deeper into my being.

Peace.

Such a peace.

It ruled across the country and in me.

When I was younger, before all this, before it all started, I used to come here almost every day to find solitude. But not like in the wide space of our empty house - suffocating as if its walls were collapsing on me. Here I found freedom, freedom to be myself, freedom to let my emotions flow without suppression and judgment.

Only now do I realize that all this time I wasn't just falling, I was falling apart and every time I put the pieces back together a piece was missing. I had to replace that piece with something fake, satisfactory until finally, I didn't recognize myself anymore.

I will never be who I was, I know it, I realize it. But with Samael, I was better - new and better.

When I blamed him for my situation some time ago, meaning my presence in his palace and shadows, and he read between the lines and discovered that I was hiding something about my damnation, he was right. I don't know if he ever found out why and didn't tell me, or if he decided he liked my company so much that he didn't want to deal with it. And maybe he guessed it. And maybe he knew it all along.

I celebrated my twelfth birthday then. I hated my life. I hated how I was never good enough. I was just a child who didn't meet the expectations of my parents and society in general. I was nobody. My parents forgot my birthday, were on one of their many vacations, and left me at home, all alone.

I couldn't stay in that house, as if all the oxygen would disappear, I couldn't breathe. And so I came here. Tears blurred my vision.

I have never experienced such pain in my life as that day. At least until then. That's the strange thing about pain, you think you've been through the worst, that you can't take it anymore and then something much worse comes along and you just look at your past self and think how could I have thought that was the worst, how could I be so weak, - how could I survive? And then you start to fear that every time something bad happens to you that crosses your suffering limit, something else, even worse, will come along to break your newly set pain threshold. I didn't want the life of suffering I was doomed to. You know, if you are different and don't fit into social norms; the society that created them will decide to destroy you. It was like a curse, wherever I went people hated me like it was a secret order coded into everyone's DNA. Once, when I looked back at my younger self, I saw myself through the eyes of others, weak and worthless. Now I see a child who was forced to grow up too soon. I always asked myself, what did I do to deserve that tragedy? Maybe I was just made for it.

It is probably clear what happened then. Just like today, the wind was blowing in my hair. The waves were charging onto the shore. I took a step..... two to the edge. I was looking at the depth stretching below me. Fear flooded my body, I was shaking. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes - and jumped.

I woke up on a nearby beach, the warm rays of dawn caressing my face. My wet hair stuck to my face. I was all wet and cold. I had sand everywhere.

I took it as fate that my time had not yet come. But at that moment, something inside me broke. I remained empty. From that day on, I pretended to be perfect. For everyone I've ever met, I've created a mask that would make them happy, but none of them were me. Millions of masks representing millions of faces. With each new mask, the void inside me grew larger and larger until it finally swallowed me.

Ever since that fateful night, I've been forced to relive that moment, night after night, over and over again, every time I close my eyes as a reminder that I don't belong here. Until Samael found me and saved me.

Samael filled that void.

With him, I was happy again.

With him, I felt again.

With him, I lived again.

Only with him.

I haven't set foot in this place since that night. And now I was here, standing on the edge. The long skirt of my white dress was blowing in the wind. "Arya...... Arya....... Arya......" the voice called me. It brought me here. "Arya...."

I always listened to my brain in an attempt to protect my heart from pain. Now I know that my heart knew exactly what it needed - and what it wanted.

"Arya...... Arya...... Arya......"

It was the same as in the dream. I turned my back on the sea - the past. My hair was blowing in my face. This time I didn't fight back. I felt peace, wonderful, heavenly peace. In my mind, I called his name - Samael.

I took a tiny step back and fell over the edge.

Blink - and life is gone.

Blink - and life flew away.