The Shadow That Smiled At Me

Chapter twenty five

I left before the New Year. My mother and father escorted me to the airport, as if for the first time, to say goodbye to me. But this time there were no tears. It was just an ordinary goodbye like any goodbye before as they left for their wanderings around the world. Jess also came to say goodbye. Proof those things have settled between us.

"I'll come visit you and we'll go shopping together," she said. Oh, Jessica, she could spend hours in the boutiques.

We said our goodbyes and I boarded a plane to New York and returned home to my penthouse. It wasn't like going back to Los Angeles. As soon as I entered the lobby, as the elevator doors opened, the walls surrounded me in a warm embrace saying "Welcome home."

I felt that way.

⸸

As you can probably imagine, my wish of "an eternity spent in the shadows'' began to come true very quickly. Every day it became more and more real. The absence of daylight during winter and the longer nights gave me a good excuse to spend more time with Samael. From dusk till dawn. I went back there, night after night, to be with him. And when I was awake, I knew he was watching me.

In the daytime it was not enough for me, I wanted more dreaming, more shadows, more of that world outside of reality. It became my addiction. Shadows were like a drug, the more I had, the more I needed them. I skipped the evening lectures. I was late for school in the morning. The morning sun could no longer wake me up. I woke up when I decided so myself.

The more time I spent there, the more the human way of life irritated me. The senseless pursuit of perfection. Eternal routine.

It seemed that even Samael himself liked my company, he longed for it, he sought it out. He appeared to me during the day, at school. Of course, no one but me could see him.

In a modern art lecture, he took my notebook and threw it in the air, saying, "I know a better place for fun." Messed-up papers flew everywhere like white doves in the air and slowly fell to the ground.

"Excuse me," I said, even though none of the windows or doors was open. I didn't even bother to collect the papers, I just took my notebook and left.

In the fine art technique taught by Annabelle, we had to draw models in an embrace. That day, Samael was kind of silent, calm, even tame. He stood by the window, leaning against the brick wall, watching the action down the street. I didn't draw what I was told, I drew him.

Annabelle noticed that I was looking in the completely opposite direction than I should. She approached me and looked at my half-finished drawing. She stared at the place where Samael was standing. Incomprehensibly, her eyes wandered from the figure on the paper to the emptiness by the window - at least as she saw it.

Samael noticed her confused expression and walked over to us. He looked at my creation, a drawing of him I made when he wasn't looking.

"Sometimes you should paint a picture of us both. It will hang in my private collection," he said with a smile.

I smiled too.

"You just can't take your eyes off me," added Samael.

"Not even for a second," I said lightly.

Annabelle gave me a strange look. "It's good, really good," she said. "It looks like someone is actually standing there, but that's not what you were supposed to be drawing, Arya," she tried to sound stern.

"I think this is much better than your idea," I replied.

"And if I may ask," she didn't seem at all annoyed by my answer, whereas I can annoy other professors quite a bit. "Did you draw someone in particular or did you draw it from your head?" she wondered.

"Samael," I answered.

I didn't give her space for further questions. I got up from my chair and walked away. After all, I had already finished my work; there was no reason to stay longer.

Both worlds gradually began to merge; I could not distinguish reality from dreaming. The corridors of Samael's palace were intertwined with the corridors of the college, the gardens with the streets of the city. I could no longer control where I was and when. At one point I was watching birds flying high in the clouds and in a moment the scene changed to the gray ceiling of the classroom. I must have looked weird staring at it like that. I must have looked crazy in the eyes of others.

One world crossed the other and I was in both at the same time.

I spoke with Samael like with anyone else, regardless of whether they saw him or not. I didn't care what they would think of me and I ignored their contemptuous looks, with which they carved the words into me: crazy, weirdo, deranged. I didn't listen to their condemning whispers. I only perceived shadows. I wanted, I longed to be absorbed by them.

Jace started to worry about me. He tried to talk to me, I know he was rambling on and on, but I couldn't concentrate or even perceive enough to understand his words.

That so-called reality has become a gray area sounding in the background.

January has passed......

February remained somewhere in the past.......

March has come. The first trees bloomed. Birds were chirping outside. Snow and harsh winter have become a memory. Day after day, I spent more time in the shadows and less at university. At first, I left classes early. Later, I skipped certain classes completely. And in the end, I almost didn't appear there at all. My days merged into one boundless flow of time. Sometimes I didn't show up for several days. After some time it was a miracle if I crossed the threshold of the school.

Or rather, if I just wasn't finding pleasure in my damnation.