𝙵𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝙵𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚗 | JEONGCHAN

𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚎

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     One week has passed since that terrifying day when I had my first seizure, and I'm still trying to process everything that happened.

     The memory of that moment is still fresh in my mind. My body seemed to have a mind of its own, convulsing uncontrollably. The fear was overwhelming, not just for me but also for Jisung.

     He told me that he was so worried he threw up himself while on call with 911.

     After the seizure, the doctors ran numerous tests to try to determine the cause. They told me that all the stress I went through as well as not eating well was the cause.

     I decided to not live in that apartment as the memories of being with Hyunjin were possible triggers. I stayed with Jisung and Minho in the guest room...the same room me and Chan slept in.

     Somehow thinking of him comforted me as well as the room itself. It felt like the room was tainted with memories of that night we had amazing sex.

     I've been given a month off of work, thanks to Seungmin he understood my situation and we've bonded better over everything.

     I plan on looking for a roommate instead of staying here.

     Staying here didn't allow me to do what I needed to do.

"Hey innie" Jisung said walking into my room.

"Hey" I said with a bright smile.

"Have you eaten today?" He sat at the foot of my bed.

     My stomach churned at the thought of eating. I can't gain weight, I'm already fat. I couldn't bring myself to lie to Jisung though.

".. no I haven't"

"Please eat soon," he pleaded "I don't want to remind you of what happened because you weren't eating."

"I know." I said looking down, peeling the skin around my nails.

"I love you so much, more than you know Jeongin."

     I looked up into Jisungs beautiful brown eyes. He raised his eyebrows with a look of pleading.

"I'll eat something soon, maybe" Jisung sighed.

"Well me and Minho were gonna go out to eat with Changbin and Chan later," I looked up at the mention of Chan's name.

"We were wondering if you wanted to come?"

"Sure" I said weakly smiling.

"Great, I'll see you after work! Please take care of yourself! I love you"

"I love you too" I said while he left.

     I quickly waited for him and Minho to leave, looking out the window to see their cars heading down the street. Once I knew all was clear I pulled out my laptop.

     Immediately logging into Twitter. I searched '#thinspo'. I've been purging since two days ago and have noticed a drastic change in weight, but I still wasn't at where I wanted to be.

     I bit my lips, eating the skin that came off of them. Once the hashtag loaded I found images of people with my dream body.

     I found one post of a girl, she had such a dream body. She weighed 99lbs.

     Oh how I dream for that body.

     She had such a slim waist. I continued biting my lips as they began to bleed.

     I looked at her dieting plan, it consisted of mostly not eating, but if necessary to eat, eat as much as you can in one go, and purge it all the way.

     I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, almost an itching feeling. So I chased the itch, making my way to the bathroom.

     As I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, I catch a glimpse of my reflection. My eyes look weary, and I can see the struggle all across my face.

     I brace myself, bringing my hand to my mouth, and the act feels automatically-like a part of me has disconnected from reality. My throat tightens as I force myself to rid anything in my body that could be left.

     As my fingertips touch the back of my throat, I gag involuntarily.

     It's a sensation I've learned to tolerate, even though it's anything but natural. My eyes water, and the taste of stomach acid fills my mouth.

     I continue, pressing on because, in a twisted way, it feels like relief is just a few heaves away.

     The physical pain, oddly enough, provides a temporary distraction from the chaos in my head. The feeling of not being enough disappearing for the split seconds I let everything leave my body.

     As I sit there on the bathroom floor, my body feels weak, but I'm bit happy, at the same time though I'm not.

     In these moments of clarity, I know I need help. I need to talk to someone, to share this burden, but shame and fear hold me back.

     Once it's all over, I rinse my mouth, trying to wash away the evidence of my secret struggle.

     I make my way back into the room laying on the bed, watching videos of people talk about their diets and how they got their and my dreamed desire.

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

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END

Will Jeongin be okay once again?

Is this just a phase of his?

How long until he can tell someone his struggles or someone find out to help him before it's too late?

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A/N

This is my first authors note and I just wanted to say as someone who has struggled with weight problems (I still do struggle with my weight, more so being underweight) and even having an eating disorder at one point (I do not currently have any eating disorders anymore) destroying yourself for others or because you think it will make you feel better in the end is not the way to go.
P

lease be aware of the dangers that influencers put on people.
This lifestyle is nothing to be romanticized it's dangerous. The topics I chose for this book are not only to give insight on how some people may struggle with their eds but to understand the struggle from a 1st person point of view.
Thank you for reading this.
Please take care of yourself :D !!

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