𝙵𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝙵𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚗 | JEONGCHAN

𝚝𝚎𝚗

___________________________

     I watched the videos for hours on end. Writing in a separate document where I had notes for dieting. I wrote everything that the people in the videos said to do.

     I took more notes on how to purge better and how to binge better. I decided to as well note everything about my body.

Height: 5'8
CW: 140
BMI: 21.3

Dream-
GW: 100
BMI: 15.2

     I wrote down the other ways I could purge, I could take laxatives and fasting. I continued to bite my lips harder as I realized I could get close to my goal in less than three weeks.

     My phone vibrated next to me, I looked and it was a text from Jisung.

___________________________

__Sung__

5:30 pm

5:30
INNIEEE I can't pick you
up :(

I'm gonna have Chan
pick you up if that's ok
in abt 10 minutes soooo

GET READY 😛

Alright 😚
See you! 🩷
•seen

___________________________

     I picked out an okay outfit. I didn't have much cover up clothes. I chose what I thought was best until I lost more weight.

     I reach for my favorite oversized t-shirt, feeling comforted by its loose fit, but then I hesitate, worried that it might only accentuate my size.

     I walk over to the bathroom mirror and glance at myself in it, and the critical voice in my head is quick to point out how fat I look.

     I practically ran away from the mirror, disgusted with what I saw.

     I search for something more flattering, I shuffle through my two suitcases, pulling out different clothing options.

     The struggle to find clothes that not only fit but also make me feel confident is all too real. I settle on a dark-colored button-up shirt that's slightly loose but not too baggy, hoping it will hide my figure better.

     Jeans are my usual go-to, but as of right now I feel they draw attention to my size. Instead, I opt for a pair of loose-fitting khaki pants, hoping they'll provide a bit more comfort and a little less self-consciousness throughout the night.

     I grab my favorite pair of shoes, putting them on while getting anxious at the thought of facing Chan again.

     I hoped Jisung didn't tell him about my seizure, it'd be so embarrassing. Sudden thoughts of how Chan viewed me took up every inch of my brain. As much as I didn't care for him, at least I think I don't, his judgment still felt crucial to my being.

     The what if's in my head made me immediately sick to my stomach. My heart beat once again picked up.

     Before I could register what I was doing, I quickly ran to the bathroom, grabbing my toothbrush. My heart was racing, and my hands were trembling as I stared at the empty toilet bowl in front of me. The pain inside my chest was so unbearable.

     Beating whatever doubts I had on my decisions, I forced my toothbrush inside my mouth, I could feel the bristles scratch and hit the back of my throat. I immediately started gagging.

     I threw my toothbrush to the side quickly dropping to my knees in front of the toilet, clutching the cold porcelain with shaking hands. Sweat poured down my forehead as my body convulsed. The acidic taste rose in my throat, and I couldn't fight it any longer— I easily gave into vomiting.

     My stomach clenched and contracted. It felt like an eternity as I heaved, my breaths ragged and shallow. Once finished I rinsed my mouth, pride filled me as I knew, more so prayed, this would help. I walked slowly back to the bed where my phone was.

     I got a text from Jisung letting me know Chan was outside waiting for me. I turn off all the lights in my room making sure to turn off my computer and hide it under my bed, this came normal to me, the fear of people finding out ate me up to my core.

     Heading my way downstairs I make sure to lock all the windows and turn off the lights, going into the kitchen I grab the spare key that Jisung told me about to lock the front door to the home.

     Leaving the house and walking down to the car, I could feel myself blushing. As I could see him in his car. He had his tongue pushed up against his cheek. I'm guessing he felt my gaze, because he immediately returned it making me almost paused in my tracks.

     I opened the door passenger door, Chan's gaze reverting to the car parked in front of him. I felt so nervous and awkwardness floated in the air around us. I wanted to say something to maybe change the mood as the silence was getting so loud to the point I could hear it.

     As he pulled out of his spot, I mustered the ability to say something.

"Hi"

"Hi" He spoke.

     I stayed silent biting my lips again, I tore the already dried and scabbed skin, taking the new healing layer off.

"How have you been?" He questions.

"Oh—um I've been good, you?"

"I've been good too"

     I hum at his response. The rest of our car ride was completely silent.

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

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END

Will Jeongin ever get better?

Will Chan and Jeongins relationship build?

Does Chan take notice of Jeongins appearance?

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