𝙵𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝙵𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚗 | JEONGCHAN

𝚎𝚕𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗

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     We got to the restaurant in no time, entering still without another word spoken to one another. The drafting smell of food made me feel sick to my stomach. We glimpsed over the place occasionally catching each other's eyes looking for the rest of our friends.

     Chan found them before I was able to, with a motioning hand he had me follow him close behind. I guess he refuses to talk to me. As we walked I looked at all the tables. A gut wrenching feeling eating at me while looking at the food.

     I can't get fat.

     Everyone will think I'm ugly.

     Don't eat.

     We came up to the table that had our friends in. Coincidentally just like the night me and Chan first met and hooked up, we were seated in front of each other.

"Yay! You guys finally showed up" Jisung smiled.

     I looked at Sung and then at Minho who was brightly smirking at Jisung. I myself was able to muster a smile a bit. Jisung sure could brighten up anyone's day.

"Well where are the menus?" Changbin asked

     I gagged and coughed at even the thought of having to actually have pictures of food in front of me. Unfortunately that made everyone's eyes and attention on me.

"You okay innie?" Jisung asks worriedly.

"Yeah! I just-choked on spit" I laughed it off.

     Everyone brushed it aside and asked the waiters for menus. I tried to bite the skin on my lips but realized they were already too raw to bite.

     I started scratching my wrist aggressively, but in all honesty it helped. I probably looked like a crack head but, I needed a way to release this anxiety without going crazy.

     The waitress came back and took our menus as well as our orders, I didn't want to seem suspicious as I felt Jisung was catching on to me. So I ordered a simple small salad. I planned on eating it fast and excusing myself from the restroom to purge it up.

     Everyone joked and talked, having conversations about their jobs, I conveniently ended up hearing that Chan worked at home most of the time. He was a Web Developer and has been doing that for the past four years.

     As everyone continued their conversations I continued to scratch at my arm, it now stung badly. At least it was distracting though from any anxiety that was filling my entire being.

     I didn't have much input in any of the conversations that were happening around me. I just laughed at what one person says and hummed at another.

"Well!~ here is your food everybody!" The waitress said with excitement.

     The boys themselves were excited to eat. Me on the other hand I felt my blood run cold.

     As the food was served, my heart pounded in my chest. My friends dug into their plates, but I couldn't help but feel a gnawing fear in the pit of my stomach. I picked at my meal, trying to hide the trembling in my hands

     Everyone noticed my lack of appetite and looked concerned, but they didn't press the issue. I'm glad they didn't, even opening my mouth would have probably triggered me to throw up all over them.

     The aroma of the food, the smiles on everyone's faces as they savored each bite-it all heightened my anxiety. My mind raced with conflicting thoughts.

     I gripped my fork harshly and started eating. I didn't waste time to force the salad down my throat. I didn't think about the taste or texture.

"Jeongin-"

     I didn't listen to the voice calling me. I just stuffed my face until my plate of salad was gone. Once it was finished I looked away from the plate and at my friends.

"Jeongin you good?" Changbin asks me.

"Uh yeah just-" I looked at Chan he actually actually had a glimpse of worry in his eyes. "Excuse me."

     I excused myself from the table not waiting for a response or a "wait". I locked myself in the bathroom, my breaths quick and shallow.

     He thinks I'm fat.

     They all do.

     They find me disgusting.

     I hovered over the toilet, my hands trembling as I put my hands on my knees.

     The aroma of freshly cooked food still lingered on my tongue, a reminder of the indulgence I had just allowed myself.

     I put one finger down my throat forcing the food, that already was on the verge of release, to come through my throat. It didn't take long for me to release everything.

     The purging allowed me a brief sense of relief, but it was quickly replaced by a crushing sense of failure. The bathroom became my sanctuary, a private chamber where I could indulge in self-harm without judgment or condemnation.

     I finished throwing up rather quickly. The stinging of my throat once again burning, it'll all be worth it...right? I hoped that this would lead me to my goal of inner peace.

     I moved towards the sink looking into the mirror above. It reflected a hollow shell of the person I used to be-eyes red and puffy, cheeks stained with tears.

     I wiped my eyes to try and ride the stained tears. I sniffled a bit before grabbing some paper towel to blow my nose.

     I walked to the door and unlocked it, only to be met with no other than Chan.

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

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END

Does Chan know about Jeongins act now?

Will this truly work out for Jeongin like he hopes?

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