Life without you * English story *

Chapter 10

Wanted to belong here but something felt so wrong here

So, I prayed I could break away

Kelly Clarkson – Breakaway

After Paris, we continue to Barcelona. What a beautiful city that is! Of course, we drive through the city again to see the famous things of Barcelona from the car. Then we went back to the concert building to do the soundcheck and the meet and greet. Then I walk back to the changing rooms. When I just want to go around the corner, I bump into someone. I look at it. It's Glen. "Oh Sorry," I say quickly and I step to the side. And without looking, I walk on. 'Liz ' I hear Glen say and then he disappears around the corner. I'm hesitant to go after him. But then decides to walk on to the locker room. Still, this encounter with Glen feels awkward again. This lingers.

The performance in Barcelona is going well, only halfway through the show my microphone doesn't work. I'm a little uncomfortable on stage and there's no sound coming out. I quickly make a sorry gesture with my hands to the audience. I look at the bottom to see if the microphone button is on. It's on. Then I try to say something into my microphone but still no sound. The audience screams my name. I smile back at the fans. Then I turn around and see one of the sound guys walking up to me with another microphone in his hands. I take it gratefully and when I notice that the microphone is doing it, we continue with the show.

The audience applauds and I feel the relief of my mistake quickly taken away. I smile and start singing again— making sure my microphone doesn't go down again. I am so happy that the problem is quickly solved and that I can continue my show. A few songs later I stop to thank the audience and the technique people for their help and understanding.

The days go by quickly. Everything goes in a haze. I perform, and do a meet and greet with the fans before the performances, we fly back and forth. But despite that, I don't really feel good about myself. Despite the fact that the performance is always super nice to do. Still, I'm missing something. Or maybe more accurately, I miss a person I can talk to. Being constantly on the road and living as an artist can sometimes bring lonely moments. I sometimes feel cut off from the rest of the world and miss the sense of connection with other people in my life, like Glen. I do have friends and family who support me, but it's different to have someone with whom you can really share everything.

After Barcelona, we fly on to Hamburg. There we perform for 2 evenings and after the 2nd performance, we drove with the tour bus from Hamburg to Cologne where we will also perform. The tour bus is equipped with all comforts. It is a double-decker bus with sleeping cabins and a bathroom on the top floor. And downstairs is the living area with the kitchen and in the back I have my own place where I can only chill if I want. We almost arrive at Cologne when I sit on the couch and look outside. Katie and Danny are also there and sitting on the other couch across from me. Jake and Conor are also there. 'Liz'. I startle and look at Katie and then Danny. "What are you thinking about? ' she asks me. 'No one '. Then I turn my gaze outwards again. It is green everywhere and hilly. Very nice to see. But I now see more and more big cities passing by. "No one? ' Danny repeats. I look up and nod. "No one," I say again and sigh. "And we have to believe that? " Katie laughs. Katie is actually right. I think about Glen and how I pushed him into the background. But I was or am afraid to let him come closer to me.

I don't want to lose him, but I don't know how to proceed either. Maybe I should just really take the step to talk to him and be honest about my feelings. "Liz are you okay?" asks Jake suddenly as he passes by in the bus corridor. He sees that I am lost in thought. "Yes — I'm fine," I reply, trying to put a smile on my face. When we arrive in Cologne we first drive to our hotel. That's where we drop our stuff. With a car, we drive with Danny, Katie, and Conor into the city. We drive past the impressive Cologne Cathedral. Then we go back to the hotel because it is already time to go to the concert building in Cologne.

When I walk backstage through the gray corridors I come across Wild Things again. One of the guys speaks to me. "Liz, would you like to listen to a new song we just recorded? " he asks me. He points to his cell phone lying on the table in front of him. "Oh yes," I say immediately. I quickly let my gaze slide across the room. I don't see Glen. 'Great' he says and picks up his mobile and a few seconds later I hear new music coming from the phone. Refreshing and upbeat uptempo song. I smile immediately.
I actually enjoyed this song for three minutes. When it's over, the three guys look at me. 'Awesome! I'd say record' I say to the boys. "Thank you Liz, we'll definitely do it then" he replies back. When I want to walk further, I hear a familiar voice. Then Glen appears with the same dancer next to him, busy talking to each other. I feel something of pain when I see them together. Maybe not pain but more jealousy.

I quickly take a step further and walk on as if I haven't seen anything. But I feel my eyes keep following them until I'm out of their sight. I'm trying to pick myself up and focus on tonight's show. But the thoughts continue to haunt my mind. Glen is getting closer and closer with my dancer who I don't know her name. I shake off my thoughts and focus on my performance. I walk through the hallways and arrive at my dressing room when I see Katie standing there talking to Jake and Conor. No trace of Danny is to be found. Then I walk up to them.

'So tonight after the show I immediately get on the bus and off – on to Wiesbaden and Stuttgart ' I hear Jake say. 'Okay nice ' Katie looks up at me. 'Liz we're going to rehearse like this' . Katie looks at me with a big grin on her face. 'Oh great then I'll go to the stage' and I turn around and walk backward. I hear Katie come running after me. 'Liz is waiting for me ' I hear her shout. I then stop walking when Katie is standing next to me a beat later. "Are you okay? " she asks me. I shrug. 'yes, just ' I sigh. "Let's go on," I say quickly. I want to walk when Katie grabs my arm. "Liz — are you still with Glen in your head? " Katie guesses. I nod. "yes — it's just hard not to miss him. We were on the right track to building a nice bond with each other and now I'm here without him.' Katie squeezes my arm gently for a moment and smiles comfortingly at me. 'It's not easy either – but you know you have to take the step to talk to him and about your feelings'. I sigh. Katie is absolutely right. I thank her for her good advice and we walk onto the stage together, ready to rehearse for our next show.

After the soundcheck, I see the girl standing on the stage that Glen is talking to. I decide to talk to her. She looks up in surprise when I walk up to her. She takes another sip of water from her water bottle. "Liz," she says surprised. "Hey, I actually have a question," I begin. Actually, I don't really know how to say this to her. Maybe it comes across that I want to interfere with what she and Glen have. "Yes? "She looks at me questioningly. I sigh for a moment. And think for a moment what I need to say. "You've been talking to Glen for a while now, haven't you? The drummer of Wild Things ' I start. She nods.
"Yes and.... '. I see the rest of the band and dancers walking off the stage. "Well actually... '. Then I stop talking. "What about between you and Glen? " I ask. "Between me and Glen? " she laughs. "Well we're just friends, but Glen is a good listener, he's been through things that I've been through," she replies back. 'Oh okay ' I just say. "Why do you want to know? I mean.....' she stammers. She knows that I hired her as a dancer for the tour and I can also fire her if I want to. That would be for no good reason and I'm not like that. If I do that, I'll get into a fight with Glen. "Calm down, I don't do anything else, but I want to know what's up with you and Glen," I suss her, I see a reassuring smile on her face. "Oh okay well see you later then," she says and I see that she found this conversation uncomfortable and wants to run away from me quickly.