His Meaning (Enmu x Douma)

4. I want You to notice

The school party.

Enmu had honestly forgotten why it was being hosted, but in any case, no one was really happy to be there. It was more of an educational event, with obligatory programmes. There were no alcoholic drinks either, and the played music was trash. Plus, everything was strictly supervised by teachers or other adults.

Enmu hated it here. He generally hated people his age, even though he found it fascinating to watch them. And the atmosphere in school wasn't really helping.

One could say that parties were even worse though. In school, Enmu could sit quietly in the back of the class, or hide somewhere in their schoolyard, minding his own business. But at a party… he was in a foreign environment, and all of the people were drunk, loud and very close together, and therefore unpredictable. Scary.

The state that Enmu was currently in was turning this place into an absolute nightmare. He was emotionally at his limit, and he just wanted everything to end. Yes, none of the warm feelings he had felt last geography lesson when talking to Douma were left at this point.

Oh, Douma…

If Enmu was being honest, Douma was the only reason why he was even still alive. He didn't see any point in it anymore, now, since something inside of him had triggered all of the emptiness and pain, which he had so desperately tried to forget, to come back. He was a nobody anyway, so why did he even bother to try?

But the thought of Douma kept him alive. The hope kept him alive. The hope to be touched by Douma again. The opportunity to be alone in his presence, and have this angel's attention all to himself. It was an incredible dream, and it was truly worth living for.

Yet, as he was standing in a lone corner of the party right now, trying his best to stay away from the crowds of obnoxious people, the doubts started creeping into Enmu's mind again. What had he even been thinking?? Agreeing to Douma's proposition had been the dumbest idea ever.

Being alone with Douma was a tempting thought, sure, but what guarantee for anything was there, really? Enmu had no clue what to expect, and he knew that any expectations of his would be disappointed anyway.

And apart from that, it was a very dangerous situation. The home was a very intimate place, and Enmu was currently letting someone enter this place, even though he hadn't done so in ages. Douma was, of course, one person that Enmu was willing to share his deepest secrets with, but that didn't change anything about his fear.

Especially, his fear of being rejected in what he was. Because there was no way that Douma was going to accept Enmu for what he truly was: a nobody.

And as he felt himself regretting his agreement more and more, thinking that letting Douma come was only going to make things worse and it would be better to not let his hope shatter in the most painful way, Enmu started hoping that Douma would forget about their arrangement.

It wasn't that improbable, actually. Douma was one to get caught up in action very quickly. He was usually in the center of attention when it came to crowds of people, and this party was likely no exception. Therefore, it would be no big deal for him to forget that he had a meeting with someone as unimportant and meaningless as him, Enmu…

At this point, he didn't care about the geography project at all. Who cared if Douma and him didn't do it? Sure, it would have negative consequences for their marks, but Douma was a top student so it wouldn't really matter for him, and Enmu didn't do anything in this class anyway, so it wouldn't affect him either.

As the minutes went by, the idea seemed more and more attractive and probable to Enmu. Douma would surely forget about their meeting! After all, what room was there really to think about a geography project at such a party? Enmu sure hoped there was none. Since protecting his already so broken and fragile heart was his top priority right now.