His Meaning (Enmu x Douma)

10. Whatever makes You happy

Enmu was at the rooftop. He had thought long and hard about how to do it, and finally come to the conclusion that jumping would be his most practical option. Unlike for example stabbing himself, it couldn't really go wrong. Their school building was four storeys high, so he would die for sure.

Plus, it was easy; he'd just have to jump. Jumping from a river bridge to drown himself for example would be more difficult, as he would have to fight his survival instincts and keep himself from reaching the surface. The place was also easily accessible, as it was inside the school grounds.

Additionally, a school suicide wouldn't direct as much attention as a public one. Sure, they'd find the body; therefore doing it at home or somewhere out in the wild would have seemed more appropriate. But these options had other disadvantages; and no one cared about Enmu enough to make a fuss over his death when they'd find the corpse. And Douma would know what happened to him, and that his passing had obviously been intentional.

When he thought about what it would be like, he was scared. No, not because of the pain. He didn't fear pain; he had grown to enjoy it. Plus, he knew that he deserved this pain. A painful death was the rightful fate for a lowly creature like him, who had broken the boundaries of what was right and wrong.

Enmu was scared for another reason. One he could not quite identify… But once he had finally reached the rooftop, he had suddenly not been as confident in his decision anymore.

It was an awfully large height. Four storeys were quite a lot. When he looked down over the railing, he felt shivers run down his spine. Could he really do this?

Enmu didn't understand why he was so scared. This was what he wanted, wasn't it?? The only way out of his misery, the only way to fix his mistakes. There was nothing else he could do.

When he had first arrived here before school, he had not been able to go through with it. It had scared him so much, and in the end, he had backed out, telling himself that he could do it during the break.

However, the break had gone the same way for him. He had just stood there, looking over the railing, and mentally pissing his pants. He just couldn't do it.

The second break had started the same. But when Enmu chickened out once again, he realized what the next period was going to be… the advanced geography course.

Douma was going to be there. Douma, the one who Enmu tried to avoid the most. What if he tried to talk to Enmu? What if he asked him about the way he felt?? Enmu doubted that honestly; especially because the other had been nowhere to be found the day before; but he knew for sure that the possibility of seeing Douma would tempt him to want to live again.

Another interaction with Douma was something that Enmu could not allow. It would ruin his whole plan, and his attempt to erase himself from Douma's life completely.

So, Enmu was forced to stay at the rooftop, even after the break was over, and continue with his attempts to jump. But his mind was still clouded with doubts and hesitance, and he still couldn't do it. He asked himself… How would Douma react? What if he… would be sad???

No!, Enmu mentally cursed himself. Why was he having such thoughts again!? They were stupid, naive and unrightful!! He was so unjustified to even let them in… which was another reason why he was here.

And he was so pathetic. Such a horribly incapable creature, that wasn't able to accept its own fate. That couldn't put through its own decisions, and that still longed to be someone else, that still longed for something that it could never have, and that still wanted to live.

Why couldn't he just act rationally and face the facts!? He always backed down from everything, like the pathetic coward that he was. He was so sick of it. He was so sick of ruining everyone's lives just because he was too scared to face himself and what he deserved. For once in life, Enmu wanted to do the right thing, to act with courage and not back down and solve the problems.