When Worlds Combine - A WWC Sequel

56; Departure

Zayn

Emma didn't come home with me, and I didn't blame her. She decided to stay a bit longer at Laura's, saying she needed the time alone. I tried to apologise for my actions, but she said she didn't really care. It was obvious that she did though. I couldn't really look her in the eye, I felt horrible. She was the last one, the last person. And I pushed her away, just like everyone else.

I took the bus home the next day.

I don't know when it was that I made the decision to leave, but when I did everything all became so much more clearer. Like this tidal wave rushing over me. It would solve everything. Everything keeping me down was in this very town, so why didn't I just leave?

I met with Niall the other day, the day I got back from Laura's. He brought Avery along with him. Apparently she really wanted to see me. I couldn't understand why. We walked along Trafalgar Square, and Niall bought Avery a pretzel. She loved the cinnamon ones. We talked. I told them I was leaving, they weren't happy but they understood. I guess they realised it was what was best. Nothing they could really say would have changed my mind anyway.

Rico said he had work waiting for me at his auto shop, and going back home seemed like a pretty faultless option. It was where I belonged, where I had always belonged. My friends, my memories, my life. Moving to London is what had changed me in the first place, and I was now over the change. I needed to be back home. Where I truly belonged. And if it wasn't? I'd move again. I'd just keep moving. I wasn't chained to anything or anyone. I could just keep moving.

I wasn't planning on telling Violet, because I wasn't planning on seeing her. But when she showed up at my door I kind of couldn't help but think if it was fate. Was it a sign that she was showing up here? Was this some kind of message telling me to stay?

But I couldn't. I knew I couldn't. And not even Violet's broken gaze on me could change that. I needed to get away from her, not stick around. Sticking around was just doing us both more harm than good. She was trying to move on, and I had to let her. I had to let her finally live the life she was destined to live. With me way, way out of the picture.

That was the decision I had made, when I chose to walk out on her. Now I'm just suffering with the consequences. Because she was right, it was nobody else's fault but mine.

It was time for me to leave.

I was kind of sad about it, I wasn't going to lie and say I wasn't. Because I had liked it here, before what had happened. But that was the thing, everything that I had built here, I had built with Violet. We had built it all together. It was a life for two, and it couldn't be lived with just one. You had to be together in order to live it. The life I was living was simply just a shell of my prior life, the life that belonged to the both of us.

This is why I didn't commit, this is why I didn't fucking do relationships. Because I was not made to belong to another person. The only person I can deal with is myself, and even then I can't do that.

God, I had to get out of here.

Everything reminded me of her, even the things that had nothing to do with her. I would always find a way to relate anything back to her. The trees around the campus, all different colours for Autumn, reminded me of her favourite colour, yellow. And the footsteps of those around me reminded me of the way she'd tap her pen against the desk when she was thinking. And her smile, god damn her smile. I would see it everywhere. I'd see it on other people, I'd see it in my thoughts, in movies. Hell, I'd fucking hear it. In every song that I heard, I just heard her smile.

Man, was I a sucker under her spell.

I couldn't be here anymore, I just couldn't. It was all getting to be far too much and I needed to escape. From my own head. What a funny thing that is; the desire to escape from your own head. You have to be pretty damn fucked up to want to run away from yourself. I guess I am though.

I didn't know how to explain it, but I guess, who can? You see it's not something that can be explained so easily because the mere idea itself is hidden. It's always hidden. You're the one who's continuously searching for something that can't be found, and that's what drives you insane. Because you're searching and searching and you never find what you're looking for. Because it doesn't exist. And what a feeling that is. What a damn fucking feeling it is to feel stupid.

I haven't slept in a while, and the thoughts that come to me in the middle of the night are somewhat comforting. They help me realise things, see them as a bigger picture. Why is that when you're lying awake at night, all feelings possible just attack you? Those early hours of the morning are the best for making you feel like you're completely under the weight of the world.

I had disappeared so far away from myself that I didn't know how to get back, and I desperately longed for the feeling of warmth again. I just didn't know what else to do, I was running out of options. When I'm alone I just sit there contemplating what to do with myself, and I run over every option possible. All bad, all good. And I get to an even line in the middle but I never really make a decision. The truth is I was too scared to do anything bad, but that didn't stop me from thinking about it.

And I thought about it a lot.

And so it was decided, I would leave. I would leave and I would never look back. Because I felt that I needed a fresh start. I could live again. Maybe not better, maybe not even half as good, but I could live again.

And so I left.

And I didn't once look back.