When Worlds Combine - A WWC Sequel

43; Destinations, Ice Cream, and Fists

Zayn

Okay, I know what you're thinking.

I'm an asshole. I know. Believe me, I know.

But I had to do this.

I had to. Not only for me, but for Violet. I needed to do this for her. She deserved someone so much better, someone who could give her what she wanted. What she needed. I would never be able to give her everything and that scared me. It scared me because I knew that I was already so attached to her, and if I had stayed even a minute longer everything would be ten times more hard. I needed to do this.

I can't even imagine what she's going through, I don't want to. I don't want to imagine her hurt and me being the reason as to why. I don't want to imagine her tears and her pain and her screams and worst of all, her confusion. Her wonder. Her blame.

I'm trying to not think about her because then I don't have to feel remorse. I don't have to feel anything. I can just feel numb. Like somehow shutting off my emotions. If I don't think about her then I don't think about anything.

If only it was that easy, to just flick a switch and shut off my humanity. To feel empty and hollow, to feel absolutely nothing. Then I'd stop being eaten alive by what I'm feeling. I'd stop hurting. I'd stop loving her so much.

God, I wish I could stop loving her so much.

That is the problem after all, that's the only problem. I used to live a life of acceptance of who I was, a life that was right for me. A life with many flaws but yet I was okay. Then everything changed, the minute I met Violet. Everything changed in my life the minute I fell in love with her. And I wish it was all easier than this. I wish I could love someone and be with them at the same time. I wish that was okay, I wish things were okay. I wish things could just happen how I wanted them to, maybe then I wouldn't be so miserable.

No, that was a lie. I would probably still be miserable.

I don't even know what I could say to Violet to make this all better. Would she even listen to anything I had to say anyway? What could I tell her? What could I possibly explain to her that I couldn't explain to myself? I can't even fathom my thoughts and feelings, they were like scattered pieces of string all strung throughout my body; all with loose ends desperately trying to connect with one another. I thought leaving Violet, walking away, would bring sense to everything. But I'm only left feeling more alone.

And the scariest thing of all was that I didn't think this feeling would ever go away.

———

I had gotten home at about five in the morning, grabbing a taxi to take me back to the campus. Quite a few people had stayed behind, but not the ones I wanted. I desperately wanted to see a familiar face but none were around. I knew that Emma was visiting her parents back in Cheshire and I wasn't sure where Neil was, but he wasn't in our dorm. The only thing I was met with was darkness, and I supposed it seemed fitting. 

So without unpacking, I grabbed the keys to my car, threw in my stuff, and headed back onto the road. And that's where I was now, alone in my car travelling down the state highway with nothing but my thoughts and AC/DC to keep me company. My thoughts were driving me insane, AC/DC was trying to drown them out.