Hiraeth || 𝐉𝐈𝐌𝐈𝐍

023

A very long time before in the house of Mr and Mrs Min

"Turn the music down, it's getting annoying." my father said and I did what he wanted. "I'm sorry, I forgot you don't like this kind of song."

"It's alright my son." I smiled weakly. Why did he have to hate rap so much? Only this stupid classic music was okay.

I loved music it was my passion since forever, the only problem was, that my parents didn't think it was as great as I thought it was.

I had already written a few songs but - of course - I had never showed any of them to my parents. They would just tell me that I was wasting my time.

But this day, this day I finally decided to tell them about my dreams becoming a producer.

"M-mom? Dad?" I asked after a while and they turned to me. "What's wrong sweetie?" My mother asked. "I...I need to tell you both something.."

"We're listening." I bit my lips. "So uh...you know how I really like music, right?" they agreed but looked unhappy about it.

"And I know you don't think anyone could get successful with it, but I thought about...you know being a producer..." I closed my eyes out of embarrassment but still saw their shocked and disappointed looks.

"I-I am so sorry, I just...it makes me happy.." speechless, they looked at me.

"Forget it. You would just waste your time and just become homeless. Get a real job or leave this house right now. We won't give you any kind of money for this, just leave forever. And if you land on the streets, don't even think of coming back home."

Shocked and with tears in my eyes I stared at them. "H-how could you say something like that?" The tears were rolling down my cheeks like shit and I went to my room to think about it.

After a while I came back. "I won't think about becoming a producer anymore..." I had a sad and empty look on my face but they didn't seem to care.

"Good. Now go to your room and never come with this ever again." I agreed unhappily and did what they wanted me to.

But instead of giving up my dream, I started applying to some part time jobs to save money for becoming a producer.

I actually got a few jobs and after some time I moved out and got a tiny apartment in seoul. I knew I was very lucky to get that but there was barely place to stand.

Now I needed to search for another job since I had moved and it would still be a long way till I became a real producer.

I applied to as many as I could find but didn't find anything for a very long time. The time was so long that I wasn't able to pay the next bill so that I would end up on the streets. And then I found one.

I started almost immediately. It was a tiny job as a delivery man. Everything went great and I actually got a bit money. I couldn't be happier.

But then it happened.

It was raining that day and I had to make deliveries like usual. Suddenly, there was a car I didn't see before.

It was so near me, I couldn't stop anymore, i couldn't do anything. It came closer and closer and I started crying out of fear.

What should I do?

I knew what would come next. And then it happened, I bumped into the car. Everything went black.

The next thing I remembered was, that I was in a small hospital. Alone. A nurse entered the room.

"Good that you are awake, you need to have a surgery immediately. Your shoulder is in a very bad shape, so that's the only way."

I opened my eyes widely. "W-what is the price?" She told me and I knew that would be all my savings for becoming a producer, all the money I had left. I was able to afford it, but that would mean, I had no money for a living or for my dream coming true anymore.

I would actually fail.

"I'm gonna do it." I said and the nurse nodded and left the room. I started crying again. It wasn't like I cried every day, I just had a tough time right now.

My parents hated me, I had no place to live and my shoulder was injured very badly.

Was it even worth to live anymore? I asked myself over and over again. Should I really do this surgery and risk living on the streets?

But i did it. And after that I went back to this apartment without any money. I had luck that I had a whole month to stay there and get some money from somewhere to still pay it, but I wasn't in shape to do it.

Everything reminded me of the accident. I couldn't think properly and had difficulties to keep me alive and not just kill myself. I started taking pills to make me happy but everything went worse.

I couldn't do anything properly anymore and saw things. I was deeply depressed and just wanted to end everything.

"Nobody wants me here, nobody needs me here. I have nothing anymore, why should I stay?" I asked myself several times.

And I was right, there was nothing left. And after a long time of being like this, I just went to the bridge. I couldn't live like this anymore.

I wanted to die.