Blue

Pride

Leo's Perspective
We end up going downstairs and talking at a table in the back of the cafeteria. "So, what happened?" Malcom asks.

"Casper and I made each other... finish. And I was not the one with the power. It was my first time doing anything like that, and now I'm kind of... ashamed."

They nodded as I was speaking. Malcom spoke first. "Listen. Being submissive is the best. It can get your mind off of other things, and you can let go and know your body will be taken care of. There's no shame in wanting that. But the shame is still very common. I was so ashamed of asking for kinky sex that I would get into street fights so people would hit me. The shame and embarrassment can be really powerful, but I promise, talking to Casper about it is your best course of action."

I nodded. Eric spoke next. "I agree. Friends help, for sure, but when it comes to reassurance, your dom is the way to go. Guilt comes in many different forms. Shame brought on by kinks, like Malcom, or the classic Catholic guilt, like me. My guilt didn't even care that I was submissive, it cared that I was gay. There are so many different things that cause guilt and shame. You need to find the source and talk it out with Casper."

I processed his words. "Okay. I can do that. Should be fine."

Malcom asked, "Are you nervous?"

I looked at him. "Yes."

He smiled. "Don't be. Casper is your soulmate. He'll understand."

We wrapped up our conversation and I headed back upstairs. I felt nervous, but I held my head up high and controlled my breathing. I slowly made my way back to the room and opened the door. No one was there. I'm alone. I sat down on the bed and felt tears at the corners of my eyes. That only made me feel worse; weaker. The tears started falling and I heard the voices of my brothers and my dad in my head as the fog clouded my vision. Weak. Get yourself together. Man up. Get up, defend yourself. You're nothing but an extra body and some muscle. Don't fucking cry. Oh, are you gonna cry? Pussy.

"Leo? Hi, Leo. It's me." A voice said from far away.

I felt a hand run through my hair, the fingertips running across my scalp. I love it when Casper does that. Casper. It's Casper. The fog cleared, and he came into view. He smiled at me. "There you are." He whispered.

He wiped the tears off my face and sat next to me on the bed. "What's going on in your head right now?" Casper asked.

"I had pride." I said through the tears. "I was proud of being the guy who opens the door and scares off the opponents. They would take one look at me and know it wasn't worth a fight. Because I'm strong. Or I was."

He listened politely. He rubbed my back in slow circles. "Leo, the first thing I'll say is that being submissive takes more strength than being dominant. And I know that because I've done both. To stand over someone and control the whole scenario is the easy route. To put your full trust in someone, to believe you will be treated well... that is strength. Now, do you... how should I say this... what are you besides strong?"

I searches my brain for an answer and I didn't find anything positive. "I'm nothing, Casper."

He kissed my cheek. "I thought you might say that. But can I say what I think you are?"

"Okay."

He looked up at me and continued rubbing my back. "I think you are caring. You always want me to be safe and you worry about my health. I think you are playful, like the first day we kissed. I think you are gentle, which is not weakness. Weakness would be being mean, or never letting yourself grow close to someone. Weakness would mean you wouldn't be trying to stay sober, and you wouldn't have ever come here. You are amazingly strong, Leo. I'm so proud of you."

I stared at the wall and processed his words. It seemed like he fully believed in what he's saying. As far as he knows, he is telling the truth. I just wished I could agree. I leaned into him. He kissed my cheek again. "I think we should explore you being submissive more before we explore you being dominant. I think we need to break down those walls. Does that sound... good?" He asked.

I nodded. I liked being submissive, I really did. It was just afterward that I didn't like. I thought back to my conversation with Eric and Malcom. The source of the problem. Well, that's obvious. It's my family. My dad. "I hate that all my problems lead back to my dad." I muttered.

He looked away and whispered, "Yeah, I get that."

I looked over at him and wiped my tears away. "What were your parents like?"

We made eye contact for a second before he looked away again and said, "Let's not talk about that."

I nodded. "Okay."

He kissed me gently. "I'm going to tell Chrissy I'm not going out tonight. We can spend the day together."

I shook my head. "No, no. It's Sunday, you should go out."

He runs his fingers through my hair. "Only of you come with."

"No. I can't. Clubs lead to me getting drugs. I shouldn't go."

"How about we just get a bite to eat? No clubs." He responds.

"It wouldn't bother you guys?" I ask hesitantly.

Casper chuckles. "Not at all. Me and my friends can be happy literally anywhere. Where do you want to go?"

"Oh, I don't care."

"The diner it is. Merida grew up near here and loves dragging everyone to this mediocre diner. Pretend it's good, it makes her happy."