Blue

Triggers

Leo's Perspective
I gently kiss him and then pull back. He looks up at me. God, those eyes. And those lips. And everything about him. He's amazing. He attempts to kiss me again, but I slightly push him away. "I only said I was following your first request."

He scoffs and grabs my chin. He kisses me harshly and I realize this ain't going to be what I thought. This tiny, beautiful, innocent looking man is a switch.

He repositions himself so that he's straddling me. He kisses me and I kiss back. We're hungry for each other. He pulls away. "We should go slower than this, shouldn't we?"

"Probably."

He gets off of me and winks. I smile and watch him go to the bed, sit down, and pick up his hook and yarn. I realized his cardigan looks crocheted too, and I wonder if he made it himself. Full of surprises, this one.

We go downstairs for lunch, and I load up my plate. I never realized how hungry I was until I was allowed to eat as much as I wanted. Casper and I dig in, and I swear that tiny body packs away more than I do. I bite into a burger. "This is so much better than 20 bucks."

He looks at me. "Huh?"

I chew another bite of my burger. "Dad gives us 20 bucks every morning for our meals. Most of the time. Some kids eat one big, nice meal a day, but I've had nothing but protein shakes, McDonalds, and ramen for years."

That made Casper look sad. I immediately regretted my words. "Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

"It's fine. Eat as much as you want. You're here now. That's what matters."

I smile at him and keep eating. We finish and we head back upstairs. "It's Sunday," Casper says, "do you have work or school tomorrow?"

I freeze. "Um...no. No, I don't."

He shrugs. "That's fine. I'm in online school still. Free most of the time, so we can hang out."

He keeps talking but I don't hear him. Instead I hear Dad. Leo, stay home. You're my alibi. If anyone asks, we were playing video games all day.

Leo, stay home. 20 bucks on the fridge. Here's something to do.

Leo, stay home. Pills in the drawer by the sink to keep you company.

Leo, stay home. And try to not be unconscious, this one's risky.

The fog blinds my vision.

Casper's Perspective
Leo goes still, and I stop talking. His face is blank and he's blinking hard and rapidly. What did I say that triggered him? The electricity buzzes in my fingertips. What if he gets upset with me? What if he hates me? No, don't worry about that right now. Worry later. The electricity zaps slowly up my arms.

I am scared to touch him, so I just start saying his name. "Leo! Leo, it's Casper!"

He sits down and looks around, but his eyes are distant. They pass right through me. "Leo, do you want to go get Link?"

"I can't leave." He mumbles.

"Why not?" The electricity is at my shoulders.

"He gets mad. He gave me an order."

"Oh, okay. Well, he's not coming back."

"What?" He sounded distant and confused.

"You ran away, Leo. You're free." I say, trying to sound positive.

He looks around again, and he sniffles. His eyes return to normal and tears start streaming. I feel my heart in my ears, and realize I didn't do any of my grounding techniques. "Leo, go find Link."

Leo nods and exits the room. I give him a smile and shut the door behind him. I lock it, and hope the attack isn't too long. I lay down on the hardwood floor and stare at the ceiling. I know how to calm myself down. There's only one way, and usually I don't go for it. I kind of forgot why. It's not that big of a deal. Just hurt myself a little bit, and the buzzing stops. Just a little. It's not a big deal. I tell my brain I don't want to feel this next part. I close my eyes. Then nothing comes.

That's the escape. Nothing. Absence. Lack. My whole body buzzes then settles. I am alone, and I feel it. I am not surrounded by darkness, I am surrounded by nothing. I go numb, and my brain tells me I am getting hurt. But my brain gives me mercy and I continue floating in nothingness. I cannot feel bad if I feel nothing. It's for my own good, it's for my safety.

I hear a voice. "Stop it Casper. Casper, look at me. Stop it. Hold my hands."

There are hands around mine, breaking through the nothingness. My brain asks me if I want to feel again, and I reluctantly say yes. The nothingness subsides and the pain replaces it. Leo looks at me. His hands are grabbing mine gently. Then forcefully. He interlocks his fingers with mine and the pain really sets in. It burns. A lot. My brain asks me again if I want to stay in reality. I choose reality. And I fully take in the scene.

Blood. Not a lot, but enough to freak Leo out. And the peach-eyed person by the door, who leaves swiftly. My wrists and forearms bleed, looking like they were attacked by a wild animal. Shit. I must have let my fingernails grow out too long. "Sorry, Leo. I'm back. I'm sorry."

There's blood underneath my fingernails. I hate when that happens. The lack of feelings is the last to fade away, and I realize what I've done. I've panicked Leo and I've relapsed. Shit. "Goddammit!"

"Casper. We need to get you bandaged up. Where do we go?"

I writhe from the pain. "No, it's fine. There's a first aid kit in the bathroom. Get me that."

"Can I let go of you?"

"Yes. I'm fine."

I ball up my fists and release them, relaxing some muscles. Leo gets back and I let him bandage my arms. I can do it myself, but I do a shit job and I think he wants to help. I stand up once he's done and pull my sleeves back down. I sit on the bed. He sits next to me. "Did I..." he asks, "trigger you?"

"No, it was my fault. I didn't ground myself before taking care of you. I know better than that, but I did it anyway."

"I'm sorry you had to take care of me."

"It's no biggie. Promise." I kiss his cheek.

He relaxes his muscles and smiles at me. "Damn, we're fucked up."

"Yeah, it appears so."