What if I can't

Movie night

"Did you even listen to a word I said" I shook my head and he groaned. " just get upstairs" no punishment.

I get up and leave.

"Sam and James are coming down" Noah yelled after me.

I smiled. I had missed them.

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Dear diary
Iwonder  if I die will I see mum and dad again does heaven really exist tho if it does im going to hell
And if u go to hell can u still watch over the people u love
I think about dying often I wonder how it'll feel will I feel free
I think he'll would be better than this tho
The only thing I'll miss is my family and friends
And my dog
Oh
I gtg
Masons calling
Anyway I'll catch you up later
XOXOXO

I've been in my room since Mason and Noah  came home.

It's unusually quite. I mean even when masons in a bad mood Noah and Nathanial are always arguing and playing there music full volume. It's weird. He must have said something. Something must have happened.

Sam and james are coming tonight though, havent seen them in ages. And sam hasnt been calling as often.

I cant, i just cant. Its weak and stupid.
2 years. 2 fucking years and im still scared. Still pretending. Still afraid they are going to leave me. Still havent told them.

Im scared to, i know them but 3 years spent most of the time in living hell, never really getting over mum and dad dying. Having to leave the people who i loved the most.

Even after 2 years im still struggling.

"Ellla" Noah yelled running into my room and belly flopping onto the bed. He flung his arm around me and started at the celling.

"Is mason?" i proped myslef up on one elbow and looked at him.

"Yeah, his super pissed, some shit happened at work he lost a shit tone of money finding out you went to that party tipped him over the edge and BOOM. He fierd like 30 people." he looked at my clock and shoot up. "Ohhh shit fuck aghhhh we cant be late" He grabbed my arm and pulled me off the bed.

I held in a wimper as he caught my cuts. Shit. Yanking my arm out his grip i glared at him and followed him down into the kitchen.

Nathanial sat next to Mason one giving me a smile the other didn't look out way.

"Sit" Mason pointed to the place in front of him and I gulped. Fuck.

Noah plopped down next to me and began to eat, shoving the food down his throat.

"So you can you get off work tomorrow" Mason began chatting with Nathanial and I sat there, staring down at the poison.

"Eat" Noah nudged my shoulder. Causing Nathanial to look at me. Concern filling his face.

"You okay ells" he studied my face. "You look a little pale."

"Just not hungry" I pushed my food around. I couldn't really be more obvious could I.

"You've got to eat Ella." Noah looked up from his empty plate and leaned over making sure the other two didn't here. "Movie night if you eat half."

I looked at him unsure. I mean movie nights are great and all but.

"And we can wait up for Sam and ñJames" he added.

I grinned fuck Yesss. Now just to eat half.

Noah began rambling to me about stuff that happened at work while I astemindedly ate.

"Well done" he smiled pausing in his tales.

I looked down and realised I had finished it. And the other two had left so it must have took a while.

"Come one" Noah jumped up grabbing our plates. "I'll get the snacks, you get changed and chose the film. Meet you in the den in 20." He rushed over the the sink.

I smiled and ran upstairs.

I got changed and had a quick shower. Checking my clock I had 40 seconds to the den.

Sprinting downstairs I rushed into the room and jumped onto the front sofa.

Noah came in soon after with two hot chocolates and a bag and a bag of popcorn.

I didn't really pay attention to what he chose. I was to tiered. I felt him pull me into his arms and holding me as I fell asleep.

Noah's pov

I smiled as I looked down at the sleeping ells. She's so cute. I hugged her closer and closed my eyes.

Heyyy
I said I'd update soon so here it is
It ain't great anyway
Loveee uuu