Eunoia • Book Two

I Don't Know

Sometimes, I reach a point in my life where these three words are continuously my answer.

I'm not happy, but I have to be- at least because I have more than what I deserve. I haven't experienced all that life has to give but I don't want to. I don't deserve it. I've caused so much pain to the people I love which makes me undeserving of happiness and the context under it.

I've hurt them so much and done things that they could never forgive me for. If only I had listened, then maybe things wouldn't have to be this way. No, I haven't killed someone nor hurt them physically, I just made mistakes that I was warned about and didn't care (at that point in time) about the serve consequences I'd have to face and live with.

Sometimes I wish they would be hurtful towards me and spite me- hate me for who I am, but no, they're not like me. They're such gentle hearted, kind souls and that's what kills me most.

I'm the problem.

I'm somehow the problem to everyone's life I'm included with and I'm such burden that every time I meet someone new, confide and trust in them- they leave sooner or later. Maybe it's because they finally see me like I see myself or is it because I'm really just that horrible.

I'm tired and I just don't know anymore.

I want to yell,

I want to scream and,

I want to cry,

But it just hurts so much, I'm tired.