Just a fan

All wrong choices

Chapter 1

All Wrong choices

We all make choices every day struggling through some moments that eventually change us no matter how hard we try and rest it all.

We never know how will it turn to us to be a better page, black one, or even a black one. Subjective points always kill the taste in us or work together but will they be the best for us, do we know that? Maybe. Don't count it as a proper answer as it will never be one.

The answers we know are usually deep down in our minds and sometimes we struggle to accept them or we try to be blind and hide them trying to be reasonable. And you know what: we will always lose to heart. How hard and practical our decision wouldn't be, the heart will always poison the mind with its nagging thing inside.

It will ruin us from the inside and burn the last resources of stupid mind and reasoning of every decision made by us. We run all our life. Doesn't matter from what; is it a success or a blind feeling it chases us everywhere we go.

You may learn how to leave with it struggling to appear honest to other people even thought you are honest to yourself you are a fool to your heart.

How much fight we can keep going? 'is it a fight for what? Is it worth of that? Will you learn yourself how to be happy at the end? The answer is all yours.

I never knew how to differentiate the inside feeling of attractiveness inside of me and a true love. They seemed to be so similar to me and at the same time super powerful. You still feel you are up to the person and I still can't answer the question as you may want me to. It's a dead end to me and I was trying to get through the hell way to discover the fact I am completely hopeless person. I didn't signed for that thing to happen to me at all. I get the fact its so wholesome to some degree but the questions rising in you head manage to break it all to pieces and never see the whole picture itself.

I am still such person. Maybe it saved me a lot of times from the deep heartbreaks and I got the focus all the time on me, but it feels different when you touch the button that will bring the result you will never know the complete taste of that candy, so you keep taking the risk just to feel the whole spectrum of emotions from sweetness to bitterness.

It some sort of torture for yourself and don't try to find some special meaning here for deep emotions as they just passing by and getting involved only when the true time comes to show them. That's may be a foul play but that what I learned to show through some time and it worked incredibly on the people around me.

I liked to play with feelings and truly believe every second to myself and then I found that it all was just a great experience for both of us and I needed to move on from the point.

Can you imagine such events to just lightly let the person go and coming to empty home and dropping several tears of not being able to make yourself feel that past as it was and then taking a glass of vodka with a cup of mineral water and just sipping it all together. Yep, I love vodka the most. Pure alcohol and less emotional. It's the same cold as my mind, even though my heart is burning with the flames and desires to get the world around to hell of a party.

I could stare at the point blankly and try to not concentrate on something specific, for a long time. The longest I could eventually go. My mom would call that a phasing away or "flying in the sky".

Call it whatever, but being alone made me kind of complete person a separate from the people surrounded me every day, crossing by and moving around.

I was a very optimistic person, but with a gradual sense of the depression following me through calmly, never complaining about that and just moving on to something different. It's really cold and might have been heartless, but I know it's not true, I was a real softie on the inside at times.

The monologue was here to present the inner side of her personality even thought it wasn't any showcase to something specific to analyse.

The thought were lost again and the evening time fulfilled the room she was sitting by the French windows still sipping the alcohol and sinking into the scenery of the night life. She loved the city life. I can't imagine living in some small village and even with family houses.

The movement of the every car on the street and people rushing everywhere made more sense for her. It felt more reliable and alive. At least some piece of life should make some sense for her. And so many people's minds were trying to change it up their understanding and nor result of that was made. She knew her thoughts were clear as a sky that night. Nothing could come in or out. 

It was much more intimidating and sensual to live the life in the centre of the circle.

The sudden call disturbed everything we had before. It evaporated bringing her back to the reality. She moved her body towards the source of the call. It didn't irritate her at all. She knew that reality was always coming after her in any means. It just meant she was a real human being after all. 

P.S. Background story is going on.

Pictures are taken by me.

Cover picture I took from Pinterest, unfortunately I lost the name(.