𝙶𝚄𝙸𝙻𝚃𝚈 𝙿𝙻𝙴𝙰𝚂𝚄𝚁𝙴 || 𝙰𝙽 𝙴𝙼𝙸𝙽𝙴𝙼 𝙵𝙰𝙽𝙵𝙸𝙲

Chapter 84 - Off The Table

Sadé's POV:

— December 03, 2022

Today was Saturday, and it was the start of a new month.  It has been four days since I realized that I truly do love Marshall. I have come to terms with it, but I haven't necessarily accepted it. As a result of such revelations, I may or may not have fallen back from my relationship with Marshall. It wasn't intentional, it just kind of happened because I was so scared. My fear of love was getting the best of me, and I couldn't handle it.

As a distraction, I've been drowning myself in work. Even though it was the weekend, I continued to work. Marshall was working today too, but it was only for a couple of hours this morning from his home studio. Afterward, he was free and tried to spend some time with me, but I brushed him off, saying I had important business emails I needed to send out. It wasn't a lie, but it definitely wasn't the truth. The emails could've waited until Monday. I could've made time in my schedule for him, but I didn't even know how to approach him right now. So instead, I pushed him away. 

That wasn't all of it though; That wasn't the only way I've been distant with him. Aside from not spending much time with him when he did end up having the little free time that he did, I had been talking to him less. I can't seem to hold a basic conversation with him anymore despite how hard I try or how much effort he puts into trying to get me to talk to him. I just can't do it.

Additionally, I hadn't been physically close with him either. When I say physically, I'm referring to intimately. However, intimacy means more than just sex for me - It's also physical touch (hugs, cuddles, holding hands, kisses), words of affirmation (compliments, words of support, endearment), and emotional connection just to name a few. So not only have we not been connecting, not been having any form of sex, but we haven't even been close in general. Or at least I haven't. I literally haven't even been close to him at night despite us sleeping in the same bed. Normally, we would be intertwined in each other's arms, either him holding me or spooning me, or I'd have my leg propped over his lower half or practically be laying on top of him whilst my head is either in his chest or nuzzled in his neck. However, there was none of that recently; I'd wake up on the opposite side of the bed because I had left his side during the middle of the night. It's not like I was doing it on purpose because I'd fall asleep in his arms, but wake up confused on how I wasn't. It's like my body just started to naturally reject him, and I hated it.

Anyway, I was currently listening to Ariana Grande while typing out an email. I was in my feelings, playing music from my playlist that I have for moments just like this. The song POV had ended, and Off The Table began to play. This song of hers really spoke to me and channeled my inner emotions that I had buried deep down inside. It was exactly how I was feeling, and truly lyricized my fear of love perfectly.

"Will I ever love the same way again? (Way again)
Will I ever love somebody like the way I did you?
Never thought you'd be so damn hard to replace
I swear it don't need to be this way" - Will I ever love someone as good as I loved Zach? I know what we had, or lack of rather, wasn't real love, but it was as real as I sought it out to be. Regardless of if it was toxic, I was still so caring for him and nice to him. I still gave him all of my heart, all of me, every single piece. Even though he destroyed it and stomped all over it, I still gave myself up to him at the end of the day, whether I'm proud of that or not. And now, I sit here wondering if I can do that again. questioning if I can, and should give all of myself to Marshall or if the risk is too big. I never anticipated moving on from Zach to be this difficult. It's not like I was trying to replace him per se because he can't compete where he doesn't compare when it comes to Marshall, who easily takes the cake by a landslide, but I was hesitant on if I'd be subjectively replacing one painful situation for another that could be in the future.