Want You to Stay || Chenford / The Rookie

Part 4

He's a mess.

And also, apparently, an asshole.

Tim sighs. He's been staring at himself in the bathroom mirror for the past five minutes, a towel wrapped around his waist and his electric razor clasped in his hand. But he can't seem to bring himself to finish getting ready for work. Because getting ready for work means facing Lucy. Which means facing the absolute fucking disaster he's managed to make of things. But if he doesn't get ready now, he's going to be late. And Tim Bradford is never late.

But Tim Bradford seems to be doing a lot of things he would never do lately.

He shakes his head and lifts the razor up to his chin to start cutting back the stubble that has grown in over the last two days. He had asked Grey for a couple of days off to deal with everything that had happened with his dad, and the commanding officer was kind enough to grant the request for personal time. Because yeah, solving a decades-old murder and seeing your dying dad for the first time in over 10 years was a lot. More than enough for any one person to handle.

But then, Tim had taken one of the hardest days of his life and piled a whole separate catastrophe on top of it. Great job, Bradford.

He wasn't even sure exactly how it had happened. The whole day had been exhausting, and he had just wanted to get drunk enough to fall asleep without seeing his dad's hollowed-out face against the backs of his eyelids. But then Lucy had come inside with him. And he'd been grateful for the company, though he never would have admitted it. Tim had grown accustomed to his own loneliness. He had been the one to bear the burden of his family's darkest secrets. He had spent months waiting and losing sleep over a wife who was never coming home. Being alone was nothing new to Tim.

But Lucy had stayed. She had gone drink for drink with him, refused to let him believe the worst in himself, and shared her own vulnerabilities in a way that not only made his feel lighter, but also opened his eyes to the fact that he had been heartbreakingly unaware of how much she'd been struggling the past few months. And then, when he'd found himself holding her in his arms, something had taken over Tim. Some deep, desperate urge to lose himself in her warmth — to see if her light could keep away the darkness pressing in all around him. He vaguely remembers saying her name as they teetered on the precipice. Had he been asking her to stop him? Asking for permission? But all rational thought had flown out the window the moment he pressed his lips to hers, and there was only need, so acute and utterly overwhelming that it was impossible to deny.

Tim swallows thickly as flashes of the night come back to him. Her hands all over him. Her nails trailing down his back, leaving sharp red crescents when his fingers slipped inside of her panties. His entire body tensing in anticipation as she ghosted a trail of kisses down his chest and past his navel, the silky softness of her hair spilling over his skin in the sexiest way. The way she had writhed beneath him, her back bowing up and the soft curves of her breasts pressing up against his chest as the pleasure overtook her —

Tim winces as his hand slips and the electric razor catches his skin at a painful angle. His phone suddenly dings from the far end of the bathroom counter. He stares at it for a few moments, then sighs as he puts down the razor and reaches for it, turning the screen toward him. He grimaces at the notification.

Ashley McGrady.

When Genny had shown up, Tim had canceled a date he had planned with Ashley, telling her he had family business that he needed to take care of. Which was true. He'd been on a handful of good dates with Ashley, and he liked her. She was sweet and beautiful and easy to be around. But she didn't need to hear the whole sordid tale of his fucked up family history just yet. Tim had figured he would see Ashley in a few days and give her some sanitized version of the Bradford family melodrama. He could tell her the real story later — when he knew her better and the time felt right.

Then he had gone and slept with Lucy.

And so instead of things getting back to normal, Tim had spent the last two days feeling like complete shit about pretty much every aspect of his life. When he wasn't replaying the conversation with his dad over and over again, he was dodging Ashley's check-in texts and responding with vague excuses about why he couldn't call her back. Which just made him feel even shittier. Yes, it was new, and yes, they hadn't specifically had a conversation about being exclusive. But to be honest, before all of this, he hadn't felt like they really needed to have a conversation. They were seeing each other and it was going well, and there was no reason to believe it wouldn't keep going well. Because he liked Ashley. Dating Ashley made sense.

Sleeping with Lucy was the thing that did not make sense.

And yet... it had felt so right.

If you had asked Tim three days ago if he had feelings for Lucy, he would have said no. Definitively no.

He cares for her deeply, yes. But she is his aide, and before that, his rookie. He's responsible for her, and it's a line he never thought he would cross — until he did. And now, nothing makes sense.

Now, there's a voice in the back of Tim's head calling bullshit on everything he thought he knew about their relationship. Making him question why he finds it so easy to trust her with parts of himself he doesn't let hardly anyone else see. Making it impossible to ignore the very real physical attraction between them. Making it so that he can no longer silence the niggling idea that maybe, just maybe, there could be something more. Something he's not quite ready to deal with.

Because as right as opening up to her and being with her had felt, it's also, somehow, the thing he's currently feeling the shittiest about. Lucy had been there for him when he needed her the most, and he'd repaid her kindness by — what? Getting drunk and crossing lines they could never uncross? Completely fucking up their hardwon friendship, not to mention their professional relationship? Tim's mind keeps flashing back to the look of anguished regret on Lucy's face as she hurried to leave his house as fast as possible the morning after, and it makes his stomach twist with guilt. He hasn't heard from her at all since that morning.

Tim's phone dings again, and he realizes with a start that he's still holding it in his hand, staring down at it without really seeing it. Another text from Ashley. He sighs as he swipes open the notifications and reads them.

Ashley McGrady: Just checking in. Hope you're doing okay.
Ashley McGrady: Would love to see you for dinner tonight if you're free.

His thumbs hover over the keyboard. Then he swipes the messages away and puts his phone back on the counter, face down. He can't even look himself in the eye when he turns back toward the mirror.

Yeah. Definitely an asshole.