Want You to Stay || Chenford / The Rookie

Part 22

"What? Lucy, that's not true. Why would you say that?"

"Because that morning — you wanted to talk, and I – I just freaked out. And I couldn't deal — I ended up hurting so many people."

His heart aches as he takes her in, how much pain she's in. "Lucy," he says softly, reaching for her.

She steps back slightly, "Don't. It's true, Tim. What would you have said that morning? If I hadn't insisted it was a mistake?"

Tim shakes his head. He had spent so much time trying to push the memories of their night together out of his head — so afraid that examining his feelings too closely would send his whole emotional house of cards tumbling down — that he hadn't truly let himself think about what he might have said, if given the chance. "I don't know, Lucy. I was confused too, but mostly I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I felt like I had let you down. You'd opened up to me about how you were feeling about Jackson, and I wanted to be there for you. The way you've been there for me over and over again. And instead I just let things go too far, and you were so upset —" his voice breaks.

Lucy steps back toward him, her hand briefly covering his, "We let things go too far, Tim. You're not taking the blame for this one."

His eyes soften. "Then neither are you."

"But I pushed you towards Ashley and —"

"I made my own decisions, Lucy," Tim interrupts firmly, "Because I couldn't deal with what happened and what I was feeling either..."

Their eyes meet, the words he's not saying heavy in the air around them. What I was feeling for you.

Lucy shifts, pulling away slightly and averting her gaze for a moment before finally glancing back at him, "We're literally at your father's funeral. I can't believe I even brought this up here. You've been going through so much over the last few months, and I know that everything between us has made it even harder. Maybe if I could have just been honest with myself and stopped running away from —"

She stops short, shaking herself, and he can see it then, how skilled she's gotten at shutting down her emotions, turning away from what she isn't ready to face.

"Running away from what, Lucy?" he asks gently, fingers clasping around her forearm to guide her back to him.

She shakes her head, "Nothing. I was just rambling. We should really get back —" Her voice is shrill, betraying the emotion she is clearly trying to keep in check.

He reaches for her, this time not letting her avoid the contact. He tugs her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her. "Stop, Lucy. Just for a second. I promise it's going to be okay."

He runs his hand over her hair and down her back, just holding her.

She attempts to pull back once, pushing against him, "Tim, I don't —"

"Lucy, I know it's hard. I know you're hurting, but you can't keep doing this. Let me be here for you. Please." He cannot stand the idea that she's been battling this alone for so long, cannot stand the idea that the weight of her grief is still threatening to dampen her beautiful light.

"No, Tim. It's fine. I'm — I'm fine. " But even as she's saying it, her voice is breaking and tears are streaming down her face. And then she's finally giving in, collapsing against him and allowing him to hold her up as she cries into his chest.

As he holds her, his heart heavy with the weight of every single one of her tears, Tim thinks about who this woman in his arms has become to him. She's no longer his bright-eyed boot, no longer his sassy right-hand, no longer a colleague or a cop in his eyes at all. She's just her. Lucy. So much more to him than any one of those things.