Shades of Sepia

VI

Onika Tanya Maraj
June 16th
Houston, Texas

I picked up the phone for Beyoncé, giggling while she sighed on the other end. I submitted my essay then finally shut my laptop. I had been staring at screens all day long.

"Aren't you in a meeting Beyoncé?"

"I'm in the bathroom, talking to you."

"So you are in a meeting?"

"They can wait."

"Is there something you need?"

"An update. Is there anything you have questions about?"

"Nope, and I will let you know if I do."

As the days passed by, Beyoncé became increasingly impatient. Whenever she called me, it was about that contract, but she couldn't stay away from me.

She would come to the house to help me with my work and come over even more when I told her that I would now be graduating in the middle of July.

Each time she came over, the contract sat in the same place on my vanity, untouched and unread.

"I think you should get started on reading."

"I think you should get back to your meeting."

Her sigh held much frustration for me, but there was nothing she could do. Until I gave her the permission to do so, she held no power.

"Solange and I are coming to collect the two of you tonight. There's a ball."

"And when did you ask me?"

"I didn't and I'm not. You're going."

"I'll think about it. Go back to your meeting."

Exasperated, she answered, "See you tonight," before she hung up the phone.

I stared at the contract sitting on my vanity. I had been holding off on reading it since she gave it to me, but I was curious. I wanted to know why she hadn't so much as kissed me yet even though the tension between us was as thick as cold grits.

Fuck it.

I grabbed the contract then crawled back up under the covers to begin reading.

That NDA she had been talking about was at the beginning. She wasn't playing. I kept reading, seeing words like submissive, and I knew that was not me.

The contract highlighted open-mindedness, saying that it was Beyoncé's responsibility to listen to me. It said that she was responsible for me, making sure that she had mercy on me and she didn't force me into anything.

It read like she had carefully made this specifically for me.

Trust played a large part in the process. It explained that I should be able to trust her not to cross the line with me and to respect the rules of our agreement. Though I was expected to be serving, she was expected to be a worthy leader. Nobody would get down on their knees and serve a woman that didn't deserve it. That was why it was important to build that trust between us.

She had to lower her expectations for me. She couldn't expect me to fulfill her fantasies. I was new to this, hadn't had sex in years. I wasn't synonymous with the women she'd had previously so she couldn't expect too much out of me. It went both ways. If I did a satisfactory job on something that I felt like was worthy of praise, I couldn't expect to receive praise every time, but that would not be an issue. Beyoncé praised me for doing nothing already.

The contract explained that I'm here to please her, not do everything for her. I was her partner, not her slave.

Our communication had to be honest. We had to have a healthy conversation about health, our boundaries, sexual needs, and our experiences in this kind of relationship. Mine was none, hers was plenty. The contract highlighted the fact that I should feel comfortable verbalizing my wants and needs to her. It said that she would dedicate her time and energy to me to make sure I was heard.