Shades of Sepia

XXXI

Beyoncé Giselle Knowles
April 14th
Houston, Texas

Diana handed me the remaining rings and took a seat next to me. I was looking to her for approval, in the same way that I once looked to Jenny.

Our relationship was worlds away from that one but the core would always be the same. Diana took me under her wing when I turned eighteen, refusing to even make any contact with me until I was of age. She told me it was strange that I'd been inside the club at twelve and as a child, she knew that I would never agree with her.

What she didn't know was that I had been watching her from almost the day Jenny brought me. Even back then, Diana was a monarch to me. I wanted to be hers in the beginning, wanting to learn by her and wanting to implement all of her characteristics so that I could be just like her. She turned me down immediately when I asked. All I knew was, after her rejection, nobody else could mess with me. So, I guess I was hers in some way. I felt like she had my back.

I loved her like a second mother. So much that she had even met my mother. We were closer outside of these forbidden walls.

"A lot of people think marriage is going to fix their problems, especially in our community. I am not talking about you. I think marriage is the best thing for you."

I smiled before I could grow defensive.

"Thank you."

"I want you to distance yourself. There's no possible way for you to grow in the same space that you were abused. I can see you trying to break through that glass ceiling and you can't."

"It's for Onika."

"Allow her to come by herself."

"She's not going to wanna come back without me."

"She will. You gave us to her and she's comfortable in the same way that you were. It's not fair for you to take it away because you won't be there. It's not her fault."

"I didn't think she'd want to come."

"Have the conversation. Don't just rule it out."

"Okay."

"I remember vividly that this is a part of your problem. You fix that yet?"

"I mean yeah, I patched my relationship up but I really don't think all my problems are gonna be solved quickly. I'm the authority figure so it's up to me honestly. I'm telling her everything that I would otherwise keep to myself."

"And that's alright with you? I don't want you to call and tell me something that you and her should be conversing about."

"I got my woman back, I'm good with anything."

"Where is she?"

"She went to see my mom. I'm headed there now, I had to pick up the rest of her rings."

"She actually took you up on that."

I nodded, "I never say anything to Onika about buying her something because she will expect it."

I'd turned her into a very expensive lady so I couldn't complain about this monster. Plus, I was the one that told her I would buy her two more rings.

"Tell your mother I said hello."

"If she remembers, I'll say something."

"Will you tell her about Jenny?"

I grew real shifty. I hated questions about Jenny now because there were parts of me that still appreciated her for the things she had done for me. I knew she was an abuser, I knew what she'd done was wrong, I knew that if it had been my child, I would probably have killed her, but I appreciated her. I would have never been introduced to my community had it not been for her and I would have never known what all of this even was. I probably would have never been in the same space confidently and I would have never met Onika.