Shades of Sepia

XXV

Beyoncé Giselle Knowles
March 20th
Houston, Texas

"Where's that girlfriend of yours?"

I moved one of my chess pawns across the board, "She and I aren't on the best of terms right now."

"I liked her."

"Me too Mama."

Today was one of her best days, where her memory was crystal clear. She remembered everyone and everything. I wished Onika was here to witness this, but I knew my actions were the reasons that she wasn't.

I felt like shit.

"What happened?"

"I lied... Twice."

"Why?"

"I lied about you because I didn't want to hurt either of you, but I was mean and so cold when she wanted answers. I made the mistake of not trusting her, the woman I love with the only other woman I love."

"You hid her from me for a very long time."

I nodded, "And I was so wrong for that, and she forgave me for that too. I lied again."

"About what?"

I went silent again. I didn't know if telling her about Jenny was a good idea. They were good friends. Had been that way since before I could remember, probably before I was born. If I told her the reason why Onika hated my guts right now, why I would never speak to Jenny again, she would probably be in agreement with Onika.

Onika thought she abused me, but I didn't see it that way. Still, I knew that didn't matter. If I wanted Onika in my life, Jenny would have to go. She already had, but Onika wouldn't know that since she had been purposely avoiding me.

"Beyoncé."

"Hm?"

"What did you lie about?"

"I told her that there was no history between me and another woman. I had them around each other but I didn't see a big problem with it because the history is just that. History."

"But Onika isn't stupid."

I nodded, "She's very smart."

"And she knows you. She reads you like a book. I can tell when the two of you come to see me. She knows you like that because you let her. You can't expect to hide from her when she knows you like that."

"I know Mama and I know I'm wrong for lying to her. It's been like this for a month and a half Mama and I can't... I can't breathe. I can't get any more than two hours at night, I can't nap, I can't think Mama. I can't do anything. Correctly at least. I'm not here. I haven't been here since she left me," I took the deepest breath, my voice trembling. "I understand, but I hate this."

She moved her pawn, "Chase."

"What?"

"Chase. She likes to know that you love her, that you'd go to the ends of the earth just for her to speak to you. You've done it before, she loves it, and so do you. You enjoy spending money that you don't need, showing her what she's never seen before, and proving through gift giving. Your father was that way. You and your sister are just like him in that way."

"But I've already done that Mama. That's how I got her."

"And that's how you'll get her again. Repeatedly apologizing only reminds her of the wrongdoings that make you sorry in the first place. Start over. She loves you, I can see it when she looks at you."

"Do you think she'll forgive me?"

"Of course."

"She gave me one of my bracelets back."