Shades of Sepia

XXXIII

Beyoncé Giselle Knowles
May 1st
Houston, Texas

Yesterday was the last day that I allowed myself to sit around and cry when the facts of the situation would never change. Two weeks ago, I'd lost the one woman that meant everything to me. She was gone. She wasn't coming to my wedding, she would never meet her grandchildren, and our relationship had stalled right when I needed the strength to walk into this new chapter in my life. Those were the facts.

I had to make my move. Otherwise, the world would move on without me and the remorse would be non-existent. I wanted no one's pity. I was a grown woman and I knew how to handle myself. I just needed to get back to work and move on with my life. Nobody cared that my mother was dead and that was okay with me, because it was the truth. She was loved deeply. She still is.

Just as I stood to lock my office door, it opened and my new assistant Teddy was holding out a manila folder for me to take.

I snatched it from his grasp, "Next time knock."

"Yes ma'am."

"You need something else?" I asked once I saw that he wasn't moving.

"No ma'am."

I locked my door behind him then tossed the folder on top of my desk. I took my hair out of its ponytail and tossed the holder too, staring out to watch Houston.

I felt snippy and empty and rude. I used to be nicer to my staff. Not that I was mean now, just a lot more curt. I no longer had the desire for meaningless conversation. Something had switched inside me. Whether on or off, I didn't know.

Finally there was an actually knock on my door. Irritation came at me much faster than before. I wanted to soundproof that damn thing just so I didn't have to hear that shit anymore.

I opened it anyway to my little sister. I could see right through her, seeing parts of myself in my baby sister. She'd lost weight like she hadn't been eating, bags under her eyes like she hadn't been sleeping, jittering like she'd taken her caffeine addiction to new heights to get herself through.

We were two sides of the same coin. My baby sister saw me the way I saw her and we were both speechless. I wondered plenty what our mothers' death would do to us, but I would never have guessed this.

"Wassup So?"

She checked the new watch on her wrist. Mama had given it to her, she'd went to get it cleaned so she could wear it every day.

"Sierra won't let me work until I eat something."

"What does that have to do with me?"

"Your girl, my girl. Just make the connection," She shrugged. She didn't even have the energy to entertain it.

"Where you wanna go?"

She shrugged again, "I don't care. I'm not even hungry, I'm being forced."

Because I knew about Solange's sushi addiction, I never actually had to ask her what she wanted to eat. She would never say no to sushi.

But today was a different story. She picked at her food and wouldn't look up from the table. I could understand why she wouldn't look at me.

I reached over and held her hand, "You okay?"

"I'm fine."

"I know that's a bad question to ask because you can't really tell the truth, but that's with anybody else. Talk to me."

"We've gotta go back to work when we're done here."

"I know."

"And we have to work. Can't do that if I'm thinking about this."