Shades of Sepia

XXXV

Beyoncé Giselle Knowles
July 12th
Rio de Janeiro

"Hold my mama the right way before you're not holding her at all."

"Bitch fuck you. I'll hold my mama how I wanna hold her."

I mumbled, "You'd think you'd want to hold her with a little more respect than that, but—"

"You got something you wanna say? Speak up."

"Baby," Onika and Sierra spoke simultaneously, the two of them standing between us so we couldn't get to each other.

"Y'all better stop arguing," Sierra pointed and I was having flashbacks, seeing my mother right before she lost her patience and made Solange and I hug for hours.

"Seriously," Onika chimed in and squeezed my hand, "We aren't here for that."

"I think my mama knows her kids never take a break from arguing."

"Exactly," Solange nodded.

"How do you agree with her about arguing?"

We all laughed as we walked down the beach, sand between our toes.

After all the time Mama had spent in a home and all the conversations we'd had, I knew Mama didn't want to be anywhere near there. I'd hoped to take her away from there and let her travel with me, but obviously life didn't give us enough time. The thought still haunted me.

I felt Onika's thumb over my knuckles, seeing her beautiful, somber smile when I looked at her.

"How you doing?" She whispered.

I draped my arm over her shoulders, "I don't think I'll ever stop missing her."

"That's normal baby. I still miss her too."

"I never thought about when people said this wound never heals. They say it gets better, but I really try to forget until it comes back in a heartbreaking wave. I miss her every day but I know it's good for me to keep moving."

"I'm your space to feel, remember? You feel with me."

I appreciated her and loved her more than she'd ever be able to understand. I wish she had a front row seat to my brain and the way I thought of her. From the moment I met her, I knew I would marry her. She brought light into my life when she came into it and I knew my mother would approve, even if I was afraid for them to meet in the beginning.

"You know that right? Sometimes you act like you don't know that."

"I know that."

It was a bittersweet feeling being here. I'd won my woman back with this trip, and now we were here spreading my mother's ashes. Over everything, my mama wanted to be free. Even if she never remembered me again, I promised her that freedom. I was ashamed that I couldn't get it to her earlier, but I was here now. I was just fortunate enough to have my family along the road with me.

"I feel like you don't know that though."

"Know what?"

"That you can cry over her. That you're allowed to."

I hadn't seen her shed a tear, not once. I'd heard her when she thought I hadn't, breaking down in bathrooms and closets when she thought I wasn't around.

She was a ticking time bomb, the way I had been. She wouldn't use me, the way I wouldn't.

"I know."

"But you don't, and you think I won't notice or I won't say anything. I don't know how long you think you'll get away with that."

"You're saying get away with it like I'm in trouble."

"You might be. You know Mama won't like that."

"Don't use that against me."

"Everybody knows you miss her baby. I know especially. She wouldn't like you hiding from me. I definitely don't like it."

"It's just been a lot baby."

"Use me," I nudged her, "I can take anything you throw at me."

I'd prepared myself to be strong for her. I'd calloused my mind so that she could soften her heart and let me in. Her pain had turned me to the community I would otherwise leave behind, all to help her.

Diana stood in for my mother while we went through this hard time, and it seemed like the two of us were tucked beneath her wings coming out on the other side. I appreciated her more than she understood.

I pulled my arm back over and intertwined our fingers. We followed behind Solange and Sierra, our feet sinking into the sand. When we made it to the climax of the sunset, we stopped, staring out into the beautiful sky. The wind seemed to pick up, swirling around us and sitting us in the middle of Mother Nature's bosom.

I felt like my mother had wrapped her arms around me, telling me that everything would be okay. I understood that it was on me now, and I could crumble under the pressure or rise above it. She wouldn't like to see me crumble. That's not who she raised. I had a family to take care of, a son on the way, and a fiancé to marry soon.

Mama wouldn't like to see all this work I'd done go down the drain. All that Onika and I had gone through. All the fights, separation, and arguments. Even our arguments about her. I knew in my heart and in my soul, Mama would be disappointed in me if I let all this slip away when I had fought to hard to obtain it.

Solange nudged me shoulder and held Mama's urn out to me. "Here. You got it."

"We got it Solange. I don't know why you think I'm going to do this without you. I need you."

"I'm gonna cry Bey."

"We can cry together. Come on."

I could see my sister on the verge of tears, could hear my sister's voice quivering, could feel her body shake when she held my hand. I turned to catch a glimpse of her face and saw my mother. I kissed her cheek and squeezed her hand.

"I got you Lo."

Sometimes she could be so tough that I forgot I was her big sister. She was just taking after me. I had to show her it was okay.

Almost like Mama was begging to get out, as soon as we took the lid off, the wind kicked up. I held Solange's hand tighter and laid my head on her shoulder. Together we let Mama go, so that she could be free for the rest of her days. Tears emerged and I let them rush down my face without interruption, crying hard for Mama the way I'd been holding back.

Today was it. This was the last day that I sulked and cried. Actually. The last time I'd said that it was out of anger and fear and sadness. Today, though still sad, I understood, and I knew sulking for the rest of my life was something that Mama would not want me to do.

When I turned my back on the ocean, Onika was right there with her eyes full of water. She hugged me around my neck when I got close enough and I held onto her belly as she cried.

It was bittersweet. Saying goodbye while simultaneously planning to bring new life into this world. But this was life, and I would live it for my mama even if she wasn't next to me to see it.

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